Well, I'm officially no longer a teenager. Yes, today, Friday, December 31st, 2010 is my twentieth birthday. I have to admit that even though I don't feel any different, I do feel somewhat nostalgic. It has been about seven years since I became a teenager. In retrospect, so much has happened in the past decade; events occurred which had permanent effects on who I am and the direction that my life is currently set on.
Since my birthday is the same day as New Year's Eve, it definitely makes me think back to the closing year at greater magnification than others would. I think back to how I have changed, what I have learned, what I have done, and what I expect to accomplish before my next birthday and before the upcoming year is over. It's not only a matter of a year being over in terms of the calendar year, but for me it is also an age that has come to a close, and another that is still unwritten.
Looking forward, a decade doesn't seem like a long time, but looking back, so much has happened. In a sense, I imagine it as if I see the next ten years a block away, whereas the past ten is on the other side of town. I guess here's a chronicle of the most important events of my teen years.
Thirteen - I admitted to myself that I am gay. At first I told myself and my friends that I was bisexual, but after a few weeks, I just said, "To hell with it...," and fully came out.
Fourteen - Entered my first year of high school. Lost my virginity and had my first kiss (same guy, same night) two days before Christmas and eight days before my fifteenth birthday (never heard back from the guy).
Fifteen - Emotional limbo. Where I feel I had lost myself and my motivation for life. I had reached a fork in the road at this age and I unfortunately chose the wrong path.
Sixteen - Didn't get my driver's license.
Seventeen - The second time I had ever had sex; my first time was also my last before this point. Got my first job, ever. Met my first ever boyfriend, Brian (not the same person as the one I had my absolute second sexual experience with).
Eighteen - Became a legal adult. Got my driver's license. Entered my first year of college. Hit rock bottom, where the school was worried that I would commit suicide. Came out to my parents or more like they confronted me about my sexuality. Smoked weed for the first time.
Nineteen - The last of my teenage years. Finally accepted the past and settled my past regrets. Regained the will to live that I had once lost. Truly realized my identity as an independent person.
In what I've written, it doesn't seem as if much has happened in the past seven years. On the contrary, a lot has; a sum of 2,555 days (give or take a few days) had come to pass and each one was as equally important as the other. It's the small moments, those that even I cannot describe in words, which make life so overwhelmingly significant. Each second that has come to past, and certainly those to come, has impacted my very existence somehow. Each second of our existence, in action or inaction, gives perpetuating legitimacy to who we are.
I guess I should just give the past decade a quiet smile of acknowledgment and give a welcome nod to the years to come.
Happy 20th Birthday to me and Happy New Years to everyone else.
KC
You sound more complete than I did at 20 and do right now.
ReplyDeleteIn Search Of: Thank you. Personally, I think we're all born complete, everything else comes supplementary. What makes you think that you aren't complete? Feel free to private message me anytime. :)
ReplyDeleteRon: Thanks! I hope for a fruitful 2011 for you as well! Yea, that's the weird thing about me, I can also remember what a specific person was wearing the first time I met them. I have the strange ability to remember more than some people. Well, bend that uncertain face into a smile, it's a new year and a new slate. :)
Happy Birthday KC; it's been a tumultuous ride but it looks like you're on the right track towards a bright future. I hope you have a prosperous 2011!
ReplyDeleteI think the worst thing about turning twenty is losing your free pass on being irresponsible lol. But people do tend to take you a little more seriously at age twenty. I empathise with how you felt at 15; I accepted that I was homosexual around that age (and I loved being homosexual btw) but this was way back in the 60's when the closet was the norm and it was depressing to not see any future in the heterosexual sense. But I decided to see the glass as half-full and I realised that sexuality is not any guarantee of happiness. Lots of miserable marriages out there and the freedom of my homosexual life was especially nice. I think a good motto in life is to 'make the best of it!' and throw in Carpe Diem for good measure. I get angry as a gay man that so many young gay guys get depressed and sometimes suicidal because of the crap that society throws at them. I think it is important for gay people to have a circle of gay friends for support and self esteem. I'm glad that you have turned things around.
ReplyDelete-I would urge you to be very careful with addictive substances (been there!); an occasional habit can sneak up on you over the years until tolerance builds up and you need it like oxygen. If you can't do something in moderation and on a take-it-or-leave-it basis then quit for good. Btw regular physical exercise should be part of your lifestyle for good health and mental well-being. Any New Year's Resolutions coming up? Happy Birthday KC! bfn - Wayne :) (you can look forward to double incomes with a life partner, good friends, and a nice sports-car!)
Happy Birthday!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your second to last line. Its not necessarily about the past. While it did shape you into the person you are today, if your not happy with what you have achieved you continue to have the opportunities to do so.
"All we are is the sum of what has happened"
ReplyDeleteI don't remember what that quote's from, but I guess it particularly applies here.
And you are a wonderful person, K.C.
Here's to a long life for both you and I!