Le Rêve (The Dream)

I just woke up. I had another dream about B. I always believed that my dreams always meant something. My unconscious mind trying to tell my conscious self something? Precognition? Clarity brought on by the automatic reorganization of the mind when one sleeps? I don't know. I just know that my dreams have always meant something. Some people might say that in retrospect, dreams might seem profound because we make the connections between the concrete reality and the ambiguous dreams... The thing is, my dreams have always been so specific, but still symbolic that it's hard to believe that I'm just making connections where I "believe" I see them.

Anyways, this dream... I was meeting up with B. in some mall. We had reconciled our differences and it seemed as if we had started getting along. We were being affectionate with one another in public and I was happy. I was happy, but it seemed as if I was happy on my own. Sure, I was content with being with him in the dream, talking, laughing, holding hands... But I felt no significant difference between those direct, intimate interactions. I felt the same whether I was holding his hand or not. Also, close to the end of the dream, I realized that I had skipped a whole day of classes. I was shocked and a little upset about forgetting my classes, but I tried to tell myself that it's okay. I told myself that it was okay to skip class because I was with B.

What did this dream mean? Is my unconscious mind, heart, or whatever showing me how I really feel about B. and how I've always felt for him? In reality, did I just convince myself that I had developed intimate feelings for him because I saw him moving on with somebody else, whereas I find myself standing where we parted ways? With skipping a whole day's worth of classes to be with him, is it symbolic of the fact that I'm sacrificing (too much of) myself in order to be with this man I might not have intimate feelings for?

Who knows? At the moment, this is the most logical explanation. On the other hand, there's nothing logical about dreams... right?

A Cryptic Message from Myself

I was at a train terminal and I was putting my farecard in the slot, some woman behind me pushed herself to my back and put her farecard along with mine. She then pushed her bodies forward along with mine, which made us stumble through the gate.

The next thing I remember, I was in some small amusement park that had a Disney theme to it. I was standing a few feet away from a roller coaster ride, and as it was going down it's first slope, it turned over and off the track. All the Disney characters rushed to the accident and started picking up each passenger one by one. Donald Duck and Mulan were about to turn over the roller coaster car, which is when I thought they'd discover some dead, mangled body. They didn't find anyone under it, which caused the Disney characters to dance and say that there were 100% no serious casualties.

I then found myself in Canada with my grandmother, where I was interviewing her about death. I was asking her if she had ever thought about death and the sort. I don't remember her responses, but I just remember her responding to everything I said. It was night time, for some reason that small detail stood out.

The dream shifted again and I was in some random suburban house that I didn't recognize. It was mid-afternoon, it was sunny and summertime. My parents are sitting at the kitchen table with me and in this dream, I had the notion that my parents were divorced, but on good terms. I was having a discussion with them about living my life and being free. My mother than started to go into her guilt-ridding dialogue of how her children want to leave her and the sort. I tried to explain myself, but for some reason I couldn't speak the language I was trying to explain myself in. My father then chimes in and tells me that there's room in this random suburban house. I refused his offer and explained that I just want to be free and have the liberty to live. I don't want them to take it as if I am trying to leave them, but a matter of me just wanting to experience the life they've given to me.

What did these dream sequences mean? The second part definitely didn't make sense. The latter two seemed so real that when I woke up, I felt somewhat confused. For some reason, the dreams that seem so vivid to me have a roller coaster and a train platform/terminal. What is my mind trying to tell me? Is it even trying to tell me something or are they just mere neurons firing?

I Want to Feel Again

 Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads

Were toward Eternity— 

- Emily Dickinson

I just woke up from a nap. What I experienced soon after waking up is one of the things that makes me hesitant about going to sleep in the first place. It doesn't happen often, but considering the experience itself, it's not something that should ever happen. I felt like my chest was collapsing in on itself, reality seemed much clearer than it had ever been, and impending doom was all that I could think about. I felt as if time was accelerated, yet my mind was stuck on one thought: death and decay. What raced through my head is the fact that I am mortal, I am dying, and I am afraid of the unknown. It wasn't the fear that made it excruciating, but the feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness that followed. In truth, these moments are the clearest that I've actually felt alive. The idea of death doesn't usually bother me except for when I have these attacks.

For most of what I can remember of my conscious life, the days seem like a movie. I feel as if my whole life is something that I'm not living, but watching through a television set. I see and hear my life occurring, but I cannot feel it. It feels as if I am not truly experiencing life. Sure, I cry when I am sad and I laugh when I am happy, but a part of me feels as if I am not feeling emotions to their fullest extent, especially happiness. It's like holding something in your hand while wearing latex gloves; you feel yourself holding the object, but you're not feeling it's texture, it's warmth, etc. All that you know and feel is the simple fact that there is an object in your hand. Sometimes I try to break the glass wall between me and the experience of life, yet when I feel so close to grasping it with my bare hands, it escapes me and I revert back.

When I wake up in these states of panic, life seems so much more real. It's a powerful feeling as if a bullet of emotions had been shot into my chest and head. All I can really do is quickly get up from bed, make a whimpering sound, followed by me telling myself out loud to stop thinking. Sometimes, it's not so bad and all I have to do is distract myself (e.g., get on the computer or turn on the television) in order to stop the attack. Whenever I think of these events occurring, I feel crazy and embarrassed. Not only do I feel embarrassed by the possibility of someone seeing me during such an event, but I also feel guilty that I feel the most alive in such a state of mind.

I don't think it's always been like this. I believe that before I felt "numb" to life, I actually enjoyed and relished in what was in front of me. I don't remember ever experiencing these attacks before the numbness developed either. I do believe that my constant feeling of numbness towards life is linked to these occasional attacks. If it is so, I want to fix it. Some might suggest seeing a psychiatrist and getting prescribed antidepressants or whatnot. The thing is, I don't want to start taking pills to escape this experience. I may be romanticizing the problem, but I do believe that the solution can be found through a more humanistic process. I don't know what that may be, but I am certain that I don't want to chemically alter myself with medication. The world is chemically-altered enough, voluntarily and involuntarily.

Am I crazy? Am I alone in this? Will I ever again experience happiness to its fullest extent? Will these attacks stop? I don't know. I don't fear death. What I fear is life with nothing on my mind, but the coming of the end.

A Vivid Dream

I was sleeping a few moments ago and I had this dream. It was a very vivid dream and I felt every emotion that was being felt by the protagonist in my dream, so I think it's worth writing about before I completely forget my dream (which often occurs when I wake up).

So in this dream, I was in a house with some strangers being attacked by toys. For some reason, these strangers and I can't leave the house as it belonged to us, so we tried to sell it. The only prospective buyer we had decided not to buy the house and we followed her and her husband out of the house as they carried a bird cage. All of us had bird cages too, and each of us had a bird inside our cages. When the woman made up her mind about not buying the house, we opened our bird cages and poured out our birds into the woman's cage, then they left.

Afterwards, the strangers and I went back into the house. I believe we were having a party for prospective buyers, since it was messy with party and Christmas decorations. At that point, the strangers and I try to hide from the murderous toys after we realize that we'll be stuck in this house. I hid inside a closet, which took me to this big underground chamber with a bridge leading to a central pillar, with dark water under it.

There was an old man talking to one of the toys who didn't seem to be murdering people. Apparently, this toy just wanted to be a real person, not something that was magically animated, but to actually live of his/her own free will. The old man, who seems to be a scientist, asked the toy what made him/her think that he/she wasn't living. Then the conversation shifted to what the toy was drawing. The toy, which looked like a cartoonish, bipedal sea monster from the Powerpuff Girls cartoon, was drawing some sort of blueprint for some machine or building.

Suddenly, these people that looked like a futuristic police force  came in and was at the entrance at the other end of the bridge. They were coming towards the toy monster and the scientist. The scientist and the toy monster tried to stop the police task force, but they couldn't, they were shot down, but not killed. I became scared and tried to hide under the bridge. The underground bridge then switches to a bridge in a futuristic, dark, cold city; same bridge, but different setting. I was trying to hide from the police force by hiding on the underside of the bridge platform, but after a while I got discovered; my baby sister appeared out of nowhere and told the police where I was.

When I came out of hiding, I realized that the other strangers that were in the house with me have been caught. For some reason, I had the feeling that after being taken into custody, I will be executed. The commander of the police task force told the rest that she will take a short walk with me to just discuss a few things before I would be taken into custody. During this walk, she told me that the toy monster was actually drawing some advanced technology that would produce a great amount of energy efficiently. Unfortunately, the toy monster has died and the scientist had recently died as well, so I am the last person who knows about the technology, since I was present when the toy and the scientist were discussing the schematics. While discussing all this, the woman takes me into an underground tunnel/subway system. And after a while, she tells me that I can run away and that she's giving me the chance to. I decline and decide to go with her to be taken into custody. She reacts positively and says that she was testing me.

Once we got to a busy street, I saw the rest of the police force across the street along with the strangers I owned the house with. For some reason, I had the strong, uncontrollable urge to get to them, so I try to leap across the intersection since I couldn't wait for the traffic to stop, much to the female police leader's dismay. I successfully leaped most of the way, but collided with a car a few inches before reaching the other side of the street.  I didn't get hit by the car though, it seems like I was a ghost since after I converged with the car, I just turned into a wispy smoke, then solidified again when I got to the other side.

After getting to the other side, some other woman who was of a higher rank than the woman I was with tells me that I must immediately be taken to custody. I tell her that I just want to tell the other woman one last thing before I am taken away, right in front of everyone. So, I asked the woman I had taken a walk with and in front of everyone else, if they ever had a family? I asked them if they ever knew how it felt to have that strong connections, that feeling of comfort with someone else. At that point, as I was talking, I felt a deep connection to everyone else that almost pained me. After my whole speech, the high-ranking woman became convinced to have me live with the other woman as my surrogate mother/mentor. The other strangers also came to live with us.

The scene then switches to the woman having a different face, actually resembling a pregnant Michelle Pfeiffer walking down a light, rainy street. For some reason, I also changed physically and resembled Freddie Highmore. This Michelle Pfeiffer-esque woman who I identified as being my aunt got married to this very hot man that I was also attracted to, but didn't pursue.

The end.

What do you all think? Do you think my dream had some sort of underlying meaning? Interpretations are welcome and encouraged.