Perhaps Men Aren't Necessary

Since I came to Italy, I've increasingly realized that perhaps I don't need a man to be happy... ever. Sure, it would be great to have someone to come home to, to be intimate with, to help validate our worth, to support us, and to have sex with. However, are those things necessary to be happy? Do I necessarily need to attain these things from a man or various men? Maybe not.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday out of the whole year. I like it more than Halloween, New Year's, my birthday, and Christmas. I know people, who are single or perhaps even in relationships, that dislike this holiday. I love it not only because it shows me how happy people are in reaffirming their love for each other, but it also allows me to contemplate the self-respect and self love I should have for myself.

This past Valentine's Day, I realized that I'm happy. I'm happy to be surrounded by the friends and acquaintances I have come to possess. I don't really know if I will ever have that one person who would exceptionally love me. I'm fine with that uncertainty because the friends I have right now give me the certainty I need to know that someone will be there, around me, to love and support me.

Last night, my friend and I stayed in instead of going out to the bars. I've always been single and she recently broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago (he broke up with her via Skype, which is a shitty move considering that he's back in the U.S. and we're in Italy), so we thought it'd be nice to stay in and watch a movie. We chose to watch Halloween (yes, very fitting, right?) while eating whatever we could find out of the fridge. Yes, imagining it, the latter act seems like something someone would do to compensate for their emotional distress. However, for us, I think we just didn't give a fuck and wanted to indulge ourselves and enjoy each others company. I loved it. Certainly, the fact that it was Valentine's Day was mentioned once or twice between us, but we didn't make a big deal of it. What mattered to us was the company of the other and having a good time no matter the situation.

Sexually, I haven't had sex or been physically intimate with another guy for the past two months. I haven't even jacked off in the past three days (which is notable considering that I usually jack off five times a day, everyday). I'm still a sexual person and I do have a sexual attraction towards men, but I feel more in control of it. Maybe it's the fact that the men here are beautiful by any standards and they can keep entertained amongst themselves, but at the moment I feel that I have greater control of my sexual drive. When the time comes that a man actually shows interest in me, I believe that I'll have the will and power to decide as to whether it would be a worthwhile encounter that would benefit me overall (and not pounce on him because he's the first guy to show interest).

In two weeks and two days, I will be leaving for Morocco and traveling around the country for ten days, on my own. People I've mentioned this to are surprised, perhaps even concerned, that I've decided to travel on my own in a foreign country, especially one like Morocco. I think that it's a trip and journey I need and want to take for myself. I want to actually be alone with my thoughts and emotions in a place that holds no memory of me and perhaps come to a realization of self. Three nights in Marrakesh, two nights in the Sahara Desert, two nights in Fez, one night in Tangier three nights of wherever the wind (and trains) may take me, and back to Marrakech on my last day for my flight back to Rome. Wouldn't it be lovely to say that I traveled to such an exotic place by myself for such a length of time? This is one of those rare moments in which I can say that I'm proud of myself and happy.

Let Go

My esthetician told me that I need to get my stress in check. She said that the source of my problem is predominantly a combination of the day-to-day stress I experience and the constant shifts in weather. She advised that since I can't control the weather, I need to keep my stress in check. She added that puberty is probably no longer the primary culprit in making my hormones go haywire, but constant stress. It makes sense.

I'm neurotic. I worry about things that I know are out of my control. I've always thought of the worst case scenario when walking into situations, thinking that I'm preparing myself. I'm always living in my head trying to over analyze the world outside of it. I constantly try to predict how the world perceives me, when in truth what the world thinks of me is not my business. The gist of it is that I just need to let go.

In a few days, I'll be starting school. In a few months, I'll be leaving for Rome. It's time to let go of the things that should not and do not matter. I need to get a grasp of who I am and what is truly important.

Staying True to Myself

Since my last post, I've quit my retail job. I did a no-call, no-show last night, to be exact. I wrote up my two weeks notice and was planning to turn it in during my shift Friday night. However, I decided against it and decided that sleeping on it for another day would be wise. I'm sure the fact that my new hot coworker asked for my number that same night had something to do with it. Also, my shift that night wasn't too bad, which made me realize that I should thinks things through a little more. However, in the end, I decided that working in retail just wasn't for me. I couldn't endure going back in for another day, so enduring another two weeks was really out of the question. Yes, it was unprofessional of me to abandon my job, but I really couldn't put myself through anymore of it.

Hey, I wasn't under contract and both parties have the liberty to cut ties with no fair warning. They could fire any employee without any warning, often on the spot, which I'm sure they do. On the contrary, rarely does an employee practice his/her freedom to cut ties with a job in such a manner. (Way to rationalize)

1) I dreaded coming in everyday.
2) I didn't feel happy on the job for the most part.
3) The customers were inconsiderate.
4) Some of my coworkers were overly-pretentious beyond their payroll.
5) Even seeing my check couldn't make me say, "It's worth it."

The managers loved me and most of the employees loved me as well, so I didn't leave because of conflict or anything like that. After my first day on the job, one of my managers said that she'd love to suggest me for a promotion me due to my exemplified work ethic, ability to adapt quickly, and my positive attitude. The job itself was going well for me in terms of my ability to do the job, but the job just didn't resonate with what I wanted out of my time... or life.

Before getting this retail job, I idealized the idea of working in fashion retail. Being able to dress up, not having to physically strain myself, and gaining fashion-related knowledge as well as experience seemed so attractive to me. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I expected. I became more self-conscious... more than I would have liked. I was mentally, emotionally, AND physically exhausted after each of my shifts.

I believe that I was pushing myself to be something I wasn't or didn't want to be. I had this ideal self-image of being fashionable and working in retail in the city. After obtaining the opportunity to be "that person", I felt so out of touch with myself. I found myself more stressed, temperamental, and simply unhappy. I realized that I was trying to force myself into a mold I simply could not fit into. I was starting to resent myself and not even realize it.

A few hours before my last attended shift, I went to Evanston to watch a movie before heading to work. I had an hour or so to spare before my movie showing, and since I was in the area I visited my previous employment to say hi to my former coworkers. My general manager was there and I chit-chatted with her a bit. I became pretty nostalgic and started to compare my time there and my experiences at my retail job. With the former, I may have felt physically exhausted by the end of my shifts, but I enjoyed what I did. I laughed, joked, and really felt a sense of family with them. On the contrary, with my retail job, I felt like an outsider. Sure, it was a new job and everyone feels like an outsider when starting at a new place. However, I felt like even when I would try to include myself and be open, I would be disrespected. There was a sense of authenticity and warmth lacking whenever I would interact with a few of my retail coworkers. It was a job and we can't always expect to like where we work, but when I couldn't even say that the money or experience was worth it, I realized that I was exposing myself to unnecessary hardship.

So I quit. I'm happier. I find myself more at ease. I came to the conclusion that I don't have to work with clothes at minimum wage in order to feel good about myself physically or to consider myself fashionable. If I do have an interest or passion for fashion, then it's something that should be exemplified by my lifestyle in general, and not something I have to explicitly force on myself.

I believe that I've chosen the right path for me by letting go of my exaggerated ideal self-image.

Sure, jobs are hard to come by and there are those that aren't fortunate enough to be hired in this economy, but why waste your limited time in this world enduring a job you are unhappy with? No job is worth crying over, losing sleep over, or stressing over when you're not even on the clock. I want to work to live, but not live to work.