Finding my Center... All Over Again

It's been a while since my last legitimate post. After my last blog entry (not including the second part of my story about Dylan), which was about Brandon, I felt like I needed some time away. Writing these blog entries mandates me to put my emotions and thoughts to the forefront of my consciousness. Writing prohibits me from suppressing the resulting affects of day to day events in my life, which can be too much to handle at times. . I thought about writing each and every day since my last entry last March, but I felt like I still needed time to just let my mind rest. For the past few weeks, I've felt like I was overstimulated by everything around me: the end of a friendship/relationship, financial pressures, academic deadlines, etc. I just needed time to let things be without having to dwell on them or analyze them, which is what writing inclines me to do. It's not necessarily a bad thing, but it was too much for me to handle.

In any case, here's an update on my life...

Brandon
Brandon (a.k.a B) is out of my life for good. A day or so after my last entry in early March, I had to finally stand up for myself. I was being pushed around by his uncertainty and fickleness. One day he would tell me he loved me, then the next day he would try to change the subject when I would bring up the topic. When he tried to communicate with me after a three-week silence, which he imposed (blocking me from any way of contacting him), he told me that he wanted me to forgive him and that he still loved me. The next day, when I told him that I still had feelings for him, he couldn't/wouldn't respond; I knew that something was wrong at that point. He then retracted what he said the previous night and showed no remorse for it. The next few days, I still felt like I was chasing after him just to have him pay attention to me. It was a ridiculous situation since it was he that begged for my forgiveness a few days earlier.

I knew that things would never progress between us, so I let out all my frustrations. I told him that he was fickle and didn't know what he wanted. That he had no reason to tell his friends and his mother that I broke his heart by not accepting his professed feelings for me (i.e. he told me he loved me) a mere two weeks of knowing one another. Whether it was his intention or not, he defamed me to his friends even though at the end of the day, I made the right choice. He had no right to say anything about me, whatsoever, since I was right from the very beginning: he did not know what he wanted. To his friends, he portrayed himself as someone who wanted true love and as if it was me who deprived him of such an opportunity.  However, when I was finally willing to give him my heart, it was he who stated, "I don't know what I want. I'm sorry." It was also frustrating and upsetting for him to tell me that his mother hated me because I had hurt him for not accepting his affection, which were in retrospect, apocryphal. I felt as if complete blame was unreasonably put on me, when I made the right choice to tell him the truth: I did not have feelings for him when he told me he loved me after only knowing me for two weeks. Yes, my feelings for him did develop after that point, yet he still couldn't let go of his past resentment for me.

In the end, he continued to firmly hold onto his beliefs. He continued to believe that he was in the right and that I was the enemy. He rejected any form of reason other than his own. He felt hurt, therefore whoever hurt him was universally bad. On the other hand, any transgressions of his own were to be left unacknowledged or completely denied. Total bullshit. That's when I knew he was delusional and psychologically maladaptive. It bothers me that he will continue to say bad things about me to his friends and they will actually believe him, and they're actually not bad people... However, if they would unconditionally believe what he says without personally getting to know me, then that's bad on their part.

Academic
 Since my last blog entry, I actually dropped my Italian minor and took on a second major. I think that having two major degrees is better than having one major and one minor degree. Also, the latter option would have required me to take summer classes to finish on time (i.e. graduate with the class of 2013), whereas the former can be completed on time without having to take summer classes. So now, I am a Psychology and Advertisement/PR double major. I decided that I could pursue foreign language studies independently. Nonetheless, I have enjoyed the Italian class I am currently in and my peers have acknowledged my abilities (as they've often come to me for help)... I guess being raised bilingual, then taking French for seven years helps. Hah! I guess you can say that I'm working on being quadrilingual? 

I am also glad to say that I've been accepted into my school's study abroad program in Rome, Italy, which will allow me to study at my university's own Rome campus. I'll be studying there from January 2012 up til May 2012. My mother is also excited and is surprisingly more supportive than I thought she would be. I actually thought she'd be against the idea since I would be more than the ~10 mile distance I currently am from her and the rest of my family (try thousands). With my family's support, it has made me more excited about studying abroad and it makes this prospective experience seem more of a reality to me. 

Family
My family has been surprisingly more supportive than I would have ever expected. My previous conversations with my mother have been quite relaxed. At one point, she caught me off guard when she mentioned me possibly finding an Italian lover and getting excited about. I would have never expected her to initiate such a topic or mention something so... explicitly gay? Hah! I must say though, it's a relief to hear that my mother has completely accepted me for who and what I am. Of course, it will take some time to completely open up to her; it'll take some time to unravel a decade's effort of trying to hide facet(s) of my identity.

Recently, I've also felt a personal desire to spend more time with my family. Along with feeling that I can show them more of my "true" self, I no longer feel like I have to keep my distance. Also, I've realized that my baby sister is growing up and I want to be there for her. This point in her life is quite vital in her personal development and as her older sibling I do have the personal desire to help guide her. I know that it kind of sounds sappy and it's a sentiment that I would have never expected to come from me, but it's true. Perhaps I'm growing as a person and caring for those other than myself? That's a good thing, right? Doesn't that fit into one of Erikson's psychodevelopmental stages? 

Work
At the end of March, I got hired as a retail associate at a clothing store. I was very excited considering that I finally got a job in fashion retail and will (hopefully) no longer work in the food industry. Of course, on my first day, I already felt like quitting. I was afraid that my new coworkers would already have high expectations of me and consider me a failure for not knowing what to do. I feared that even if I would explain to them that it was my first retail job, they'd still consider me incompetent and a bother. Luckily, before coming in to work, I went to get some coffee with Dylan, who eased my first day jitters on the job.


Fortunately, my expectations for my first day were completely wrong. Everyone was very friendly and went out of their way to introduce themselves to me. Whenever an associate was close by, he/she would come up to me and ask if I was doing all right and if I had any questions. It was overwhelming to try and take in everything while also trying to provide assistance to customers (i.e. doing my job), but I couldn't have asked for a better first day.

I've been working at the clothing store for 3-4 weeks now. I'm still trying to take things in, but for the most part, I feel myself more at ease. Of course, I do find myself feeling mentally and physically exhausted at the end of the day for pay that really isn't up to par with the work being done. Also, with any job in fashion retail, I've found myself crossing paths with coworkers that believe themselves to be superior, therefore they don't feel it necessary to make eye contact when I speak to them. It's funny because I'm doing the same job as them, at the same place, and probably for similar pay. The customers can be assholes too, but what can you expect? Many of them never worked a minimum wage job, therefore they probably don't even see associates as people. Nonetheless, I tell myself that whatever I'm not receiving in monetary gain, I'm attaining through work experience. My current job is a mere stepping stone for what I want to go into as a career. God forbid, I wouldn't want to be a sales associate working minimum wage after the age of 25.


What do I want to for a career exactly? Well, the dream would be to find a starting position in an advertisement/PR firm or something relating to fashion, advertisement, and travel. Perhaps I can use my multilingual abilities to good use. No matter what though, I don't want to be working in minimum wage sales, whether it be in the food or fashion retail industry, five years from now. 


Love
At the present moment, I am single. I'm all right with being single. I actually prefer to be single for the time being. My thought is that since I'm leaving for Rome in about 7 months, it would be unwise to seek/start a relationship. When I leave for Rome, I want self discovery to be the center of my trip/adventure. Sure, a relationship wouldn't necessarily hinder me from achieving that goal. However, realistically, starting a relationship then turning it into a long-distance relationship within the first year would be detrimental. I'd rather wait, but who knows? If I do find a potential lover and we hit it off this summer, it's something I'll definitely allow to run its course, but I wouldn't seek it out. Love is something you should never prevent or intentionally seek out. If it happens, it happens.

Currently, I do have my eyes set on a guy. He's sweet, intelligent, cute, and has a good head on his shoulders. I'll keep specific details under wraps for now, but if my interest in him does develop further and it becomes a mutual interest, then I'll let you all know. 


Overall
My life is moving forward at a tolerable and satisfactory pace. Things are going the way they should. Although, I know that I can and should put more effort towards my academic endeavors, which I will. At this point, the best I can do is enjoy life and live it.

To Forgive and/or to Trust

B. messaged me last night saying that he's finally willing to talk.

We stopped talking about three weeks ago after he blocked me from every possible way I could reach him. He blocked me from Twitter, Facebook, and he even went as far as blocking our mutual friends (that he met through me). Sure, I could still text and call him, but for the three weeks before he re-initiated contact with me, I resisted calling and texting him. Sure, I thought of him everyday and wondered if it was really that easy to forget me, to suppress every thought pertaining to me, and whether I even crossed his mind anymore. However, I respected and loved myself enough not to degrade myself so far as begging him to speak to me. I took his act of blocking any possible communication between us as his way of permanently cutting ties with me.

It did hurt to have someone I trusted and cared for as a close friend for 7+ months totally cut me out of their lives. However, I was fine. I surrounded myself with friends that cared for me and showed me that I still have my own life to look forward to. I think that the experience, through and through, made me a stronger person.

I was planning on texting him on his birthday (March 3rd) with the simple message "Happy Birthday B." and leaving it at that. Frankly, in my mind, the best case scenario would be him saying, "Thank you," and leaving it at that and worst case scenario would be him saying, "Fuck you. Don't ever contact me again." I was honestly prepared to receive either response. Surprisingly, he beat me to the punch and he texted me last night saying he's sorry that he hurt me and he can no longer go on living without talking to me. He then told me he loved me.

Frankly, I don't know how to feel. I'm glad that he's willing to talk again, but I don't know how I feel about him saying that he loves me. Yes, the feelings I professed for/to him a few weeks ago were genuine, but considering how he has treated me since, I don't really know whether I want to offer my heart again. Yes, I still have feelings for him and I potentially love him, but I love myself more. I love myself more than I love him and I love myself enough not to put myself (and my heart) in harm's way. I have learned to live and be happy without him in the past three weeks, therefore what would be the reason for including him back into my life? Will he bring more love into my life or will he just bring back the possibility of me being hurt by him again?

Like I said, I now know how to live on without him; I've experienced it, I've lived it, and I've enjoyed it. If anything ever does happen between us, I know that no matter what happens, I will still have myself. I never have to fear the possibility of ever losing him because it has already happened and the experience wasn't horrible. It's the uncertainty of how we would react to future events/possibilities that scare us. However, once we've come to experience it and realize that it wasn't as scary as previously thought, any similar experience/event following it will be taken with ease.

Yes, I forgive him for how he treated me. Do I trust him? I don't know. My trust is something that he has to earn and prove to me that it's something he deserves. What does he have to do to prove himself? I don't know. Just like love, it's something I cannot predict; I'll know it once the thought, "Wow. He's someone I can trust (again)," hits me. Meanwhile, I think it's my friends that he will have the hardest time convincing. Each and everyone of my friends who I have told that B. re-initiated contact, apologized, and is telling me he loves me again were quite skeptical. Some even told me not to buy it and just move on. Perhaps I'm an emotional masochist or perhaps I'm just too forgiving, but I can't stay mad at someone who apologizes... especially someone I still have feelings for.

Sure, I can't trust those that have hurt me as easily, but I will often forgive even the undeserving.

Searching for Mr. Stranger

I found the guy I met on the train on Facebook. Yes, I know it sounds kind of creepy that I was able to find him just by his first name and where we he mentioned he worked. I want to assure you that I'm not a creeper or a stalker at all, this is the first time I've ever done something close to "Googling" a stranger. If you knew that you could possibly find the guy you believe you made a connection with, wouldn't you? Considering the whole scenario: he started the conversation with a mere stranger (me) in the dead of winter for no apparent cause or benefit to him, he continued a conversation with me even after we got on the train (there were empty seats, yet he chose to stand across the aisle from me near the doors), and a stop before I got to my train stop he suddenly decided to tell me that he was seeing Black Swan at 7:45pm. Who tells a random stranger that they're going to see a specific movie at a specific time, when no preceding statements from either persons related to cinema, entertainment, etc.? Is it reasonable for me to believe that he told me that specific information for some reason other than to tell me he's going to see a movie?

In any case, before I decided to message the guy on Facebook, I asked a few of my friends (heterosexual females, one homosexual male, and my heterosexual male roommates) if I was just imagining the connection I thought I felt and if it would be too creepy to pursue/message him. Also, keep in mind that when I tell stories, I try to be as elaborate as I can in recalling situational details and dialogue in order to keep the story as objective as I can. So after telling each of my friends the whole situation, they all believe that I wasn't imagining the possibility that he was hitting on me and that I should message him. The overall belief amongst my friends was the fact that I have nothing to lose. Sure, perhaps it will result in this stranger thinking that I'm a fucking creep or I may befriend a really great guy. Either way, I at least would have found certainty.

So the following excerpt is the message I sent him via Facebook after getting a few tips on how to write it from my roommate Gabe.

Hey Dan, it's Kenny, I don't know if you remembered, but we met on the train this past weekend. What's up?

I know this might be kind of weird, but I remembered you telling me that you worked at ****** ****** Dance Company, so I thought I might try and hit you up. I enjoyed our conversation on the train and I thought that perhaps you might want to get some coffee the next time you're in the city?

Proclamation of a Single Gay Man

Yesterday evening, B. came over to visit overnight. This time, contrary to previous times he has visited, it was just the two of us: no ex-boyfriends or groups of friends tagging along. It was a very nice night actually. He came over, we hung around my place for a bit with my roommate and his friend, we cuddled for about an hour or so, then we got sushi for dinner. As I stated in one of my previous posts, things never really aligned for B. and me, due to situational causes that would arise when he would visit. This time, things worked out well as we were able to focus on one another and enjoy each others company.

A momentous point during his whole visit was when we were cuddling. He asked me if I wanted to try out a relationship with him. My reply to him was, "No." I felt guilty for giving him the answer I knew he didn't want. I felt as if I was driven to try and explain my response in every way I could hoping that at some point I'd no longer feel guilty. I told him that I don't want to enter into a relationship because (1) I don't have the same feelings for him as he has for me and (2) I honestly can't see myself entering into a relationship anytime soon.

The first reason was the hardest for me to explain and was the major source of my guilt. I told him that I don't feel the same way for him as he feels for me and if we're not on the same page, I honestly don't see it working out. I believe that it would be unfair to the both of us if I decide to go into a relationship and bet on the possibility that I would reciprocate his love for me someday; the contrary is also a possibility. Also, to do so feels like I would only be forcing myself into a situation that should naturally fall into place. I know that he and I believe that love should never be forced; to enter into a relationship I don't have an independent desire for, in hopes of "possibly" aligning our perception of one another, would contradict our mutual philosophy on love.

The agreement to enter into an intimate, exclusive relationship should spring from the present desires, relevant ideologies, and intimate emotions that both parties should already mutually share. Entrance into a relationship shouldn't precede the elements that construct and support it (i.e. intimate desire, mutual desire to enter an intimate relationship, etc.). I feel as if to enter into a relationship with B. would have been a contradiction of the former statement that I hold as a philosophy on relationships. I don't believe in entering an intimate relationship to develop love; it should be love that develops an intimate relationship.

I tried to articulate to him all that I have just written in order to explain why I said no, but a part of me still felt guilty. A part of me still felt unconvinced that he understood my refusal to enter into a relationship with him was not a willful decision. It was a decision based on the idea that as the elements that would constitute a desire for an intimate relationship was not in the present situation for me, it would not be beneficial, perhaps even detrimental to our relationship as friends.

During my whole conversation with him, I realized that I never really desired a relationship. Even from the moment I realized my homosexuality, being in a relationship with another man was something I came to idealize. My homosexuality became a central focal point of my identity. As a result, anything that would be associated with expressing my identity as a homosexual became a central focal point of my attention and desires (e.g., my self-portrayal and attaining a boyfriend, respectively).

In a way, I surrendered control over myself from the very beginning, which made it easier for others to take advantage of me. For so many years until recently, my desire for a significant other enabled other men to easily exploit me. I let others use and abuse me because I thought it'd help me get closer to attaining a boyfriend. My self-worth and my motivation for life became contingent on other men. Perhaps the events of the past have made me cynical and/or jaded; I don't know if there's anything I can do to undo that, unfortunately.

On a more positive note, I believe I've regained control of myself. I've become consciously aware of the fact that my reason to live, my motivation to move through the world, shouldn't be dependent on men and how they perceive me, whatsoever. Yes, I still believe in love, but to let my actions be directed by my ideals, isn't beneficial. Sure, I'm not necessarily fond of hooking up and/or one-night stands, but the ones I've recently had have taught me something. In the past, I hooked up with guys who promised me love and relationships, which they obviously never fulfilled. Recently, I have hooked up with men fully knowing and accepting what the act would entail, the consequence, and what I would realistically receive from it. I feel more in control and aware of my environment and the things that happen to and around me.

I'm not saying that I'll be hooking up with men more frequently, but I've become more realistic of the world we live in. I've just become more cognizant of my agency and I want to exercise my agency as a single individual. I have not lived life with the awareness of a single man, therefore how can I successfully be in a relationship and live intimately with another if I have not lived for myself?

I am a single gay man, but first and foremost I am simply an individual with agency.