This was me no more than two-three years ago. Can you believe it?
Back then, I thought I was fat and ugly. I was ashamed of being surrounded by big groups of people (e.g., parties, eating out, going to the mall) because I was ashamed of being seen. I was ashamed of myself.
I took pictures to compensate for how I perceived myself. I thought that if I could take a few pictures that others would perhaps find attractive, they could convince me that I was attractive. Yes, the pictures I took were nice, but inside I still felt ugly and undeserving. I realized that even if I could change every physical aspect of me, the ugliness I perceived would not change. What I saw was not the problem, but how I saw it.
Now that a few years have passed, the person in the picture seems like a separate entity from me. A person whose attractiveness I can appreciate. I wish I could be that person again. Perhaps I am still this person. Perhaps nothing has changed. I just wish that the beauty I can now see in my past is something I can appreciate in my present self. Maybe, just maybe, in some time, I will look back and appreciate the person sitting in front of this computer. However, I really want to look at myself in the present moment and see the beauty in what is now.
Showing posts with label Beauty. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Beauty. Show all posts
Sunday, July 31, 2011
Saturday, January 15, 2011
In the Eyes of the Beholder
Last night, rather than being a productive individual, I spent my time looking through profiles on a certain social networking/dating site. As I glanced through profiles, one in particular stood out: that of a severe burn victim. As an individual's picture is the first thing one would see, what I initially noticed was the severity of his burns. The first thought that came into mind was, "What happened?" As I further read through his profile, I learned that he is around my age, he's going to school for his bachelors in psychology (like me), and he had spent over a decade at a burn victim camp.
What I found to be really fascinating was the optimism he had displayed throughout his written profile. He wrote about going to school for psychology, his desire to become a counselor at the camp he attends and help other burn victims, his love for laughter, etc. Even though he had gone through something so tragic, he is still able to face the world with certainty and confidence; he truly exemplifies what it means to be resilient.
It has definitely made me reevaluate my own situation and the way I perceive my life. Yes, I was always cognizant of the fact that there are others who are not as fortunate as me in some way or another. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to close or even bridge the empathy gap between myself and those that are supposedly in worse situations. I have always told myself that I should live for those that were not fortunate enough to have the same liberties and opportunities as me; it's similar to when your parents tell you not to waste food because there are starving children in the world, but the thought is more self-driven. I can appreciate the significance of such a statement. Previously, bringing such concepts to the forefront of my awareness never made much of a difference. I have the great fortune of going to university, I have parents that financially support me, I have a home to return to whether it be on campus or at my parents', yet I must admit that I don't appreciate them as much as I would like to. To know that I am in a better position in society compared to others should motivate me to take full advantage of what I have been fatefully given, yet I find myself slacking.
Previously, my focus was often on what others have better than me and what my misfortunes are. I criticize myself for having mild acne that leaves superficial scars, being a minority in the gay community and not being seen as attractive by the majority subgroup within said community, etc. By identifying with the man mentioned above, I'm able to see the world in a more universal perspective. Also, I've come closer to setting my priorities straight and I'm increasingly gaining the motivation to strive for something. I believe that I am no longer just cognizant of my great fortune and liberty, but I can actually use my knowledge and awareness to actively live. There was no emotional connection with what I knew, hence why I could not appreciate and/or take full advantage of what I have and what I know I can attain.
By disregarding the opportunities and fortune fatefully (or arbitrarily) given to me, I would be disrespecting not only my own self-interest, but also those that are in less fortunate situations than I am. I can pay homage to those that could have best utilized what I have by living my life the best that I can.
What I found to be really fascinating was the optimism he had displayed throughout his written profile. He wrote about going to school for psychology, his desire to become a counselor at the camp he attends and help other burn victims, his love for laughter, etc. Even though he had gone through something so tragic, he is still able to face the world with certainty and confidence; he truly exemplifies what it means to be resilient.
It has definitely made me reevaluate my own situation and the way I perceive my life. Yes, I was always cognizant of the fact that there are others who are not as fortunate as me in some way or another. Unfortunately, it's hard for me to close or even bridge the empathy gap between myself and those that are supposedly in worse situations. I have always told myself that I should live for those that were not fortunate enough to have the same liberties and opportunities as me; it's similar to when your parents tell you not to waste food because there are starving children in the world, but the thought is more self-driven. I can appreciate the significance of such a statement. Previously, bringing such concepts to the forefront of my awareness never made much of a difference. I have the great fortune of going to university, I have parents that financially support me, I have a home to return to whether it be on campus or at my parents', yet I must admit that I don't appreciate them as much as I would like to. To know that I am in a better position in society compared to others should motivate me to take full advantage of what I have been fatefully given, yet I find myself slacking.
Previously, my focus was often on what others have better than me and what my misfortunes are. I criticize myself for having mild acne that leaves superficial scars, being a minority in the gay community and not being seen as attractive by the majority subgroup within said community, etc. By identifying with the man mentioned above, I'm able to see the world in a more universal perspective. Also, I've come closer to setting my priorities straight and I'm increasingly gaining the motivation to strive for something. I believe that I am no longer just cognizant of my great fortune and liberty, but I can actually use my knowledge and awareness to actively live. There was no emotional connection with what I knew, hence why I could not appreciate and/or take full advantage of what I have and what I know I can attain.
By disregarding the opportunities and fortune fatefully (or arbitrarily) given to me, I would be disrespecting not only my own self-interest, but also those that are in less fortunate situations than I am. I can pay homage to those that could have best utilized what I have by living my life the best that I can.
Thursday, November 4, 2010
Language
Well, it's been a week or two since I've written. Everyday, it crosses my mind how I should write a blog post, just to write, anything, just to write for the sake of writing. Unfortunately, I come up with some excuse: "I'm tired, if I write something right now, it'd be low-quality" or "I have too many things to do or finish up." Of course, with the latter, I often don't succeed in finishing those things I'm suppose to do/finish, I end up staring at Facebook or looking for someone to interact with (going out for dinner, smoke hookah, those sort of interactive activities). So instead of actually doing something as an individual, I end up waiting for someone else who might want to do something. In a sense, I lose my own agency as an individual. Kind of sucks. We need to change that. I'm guessing that's what one would call "independence".
In any case, I learned a few things since I last wrote a blog.
1) I use "like" too many times when verbally expressing myself.
2) I use "that's the thing" to start a sentence too many times in verbal conversations.
3) I feel conflicted in trying to avoid telling a friend that perhaps his clothes are too tight on him, yet he brings up the dilemma that he hears of it so much from his family and I always see him awkwardly sucking in his stomach...
Concerning the first two points, a friend I recently had dinner with told me that I use the word "like" and the phrase "that's the thing" when expressing myself verbally. I can understand why I do it, I don't like it, but it's also difficult to stop myself from doing it. It takes so much cognitive effort to express your thoughts while also keeping in mind how you're saying something. I mean, when he brought this to my attention, I started noticing my excessive use of the two phrases, it's insane! I assume that, for me, it's a nervous tic and using those two words as "fillers" enables me to keep talking without stopping mid-sentence to think of what I want to say or how I want to say it; it's those instances where I'm at a loss for words that I feel nervous. I'm afraid of seeming stupid, basically, by not being able to talk in a smooth, consistent manner. That's where the nervous tic comes from I guess. In any case, I'm trying my best to stop my verbal habit of profusely using "like" and "that's the thing." I'm sure I'll sound far more intelligent and more agreeable to listen to.
Secondly, there's the dilemma with my friend. Whenever I hang out with him, he brings up how his family perceives his weight is brought up. Of course, I can sense that it bothers him that his family perceives him to be larger than how he perceives himself; he buys/wears clothes that his family tells him are too small for him. As a friend, who do I side with? When I am around him, I can sense that he's sucking his stomach in and for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable.
There was a situation where I went shopping with him. We both went into the fitting rooms to try on clothes that we chose for ourselves. When he asked me what I thought about what he tried on, I honestly didn't like what he had on. It didn't suit his body, it fit him too tightly and hugged him in the wrong places. I'm a bad liar and I didn't know what to tell him, so I tried to use ambiguous phrases such as "it's nice" or "do you like it?" I'm sure he sensed my discomfort since he finally said, "Honestly, what do you think? You can tell me, do you honestly think I'm fat in this?" Of course, I couldn't lie at that point, so I just told him that the clothes he had on might be a little too small, I could sense his negative reaction, he was disheartened...
I told him that I'm willing to work out with him and we can help each other stay on track with eating wisely/healthily, but I haven't really received a compliant response from him.
In any case, that's all for today folks, I'll write again soon.
In any case, I learned a few things since I last wrote a blog.
1) I use "like" too many times when verbally expressing myself.
2) I use "that's the thing" to start a sentence too many times in verbal conversations.
3) I feel conflicted in trying to avoid telling a friend that perhaps his clothes are too tight on him, yet he brings up the dilemma that he hears of it so much from his family and I always see him awkwardly sucking in his stomach...
Concerning the first two points, a friend I recently had dinner with told me that I use the word "like" and the phrase "that's the thing" when expressing myself verbally. I can understand why I do it, I don't like it, but it's also difficult to stop myself from doing it. It takes so much cognitive effort to express your thoughts while also keeping in mind how you're saying something. I mean, when he brought this to my attention, I started noticing my excessive use of the two phrases, it's insane! I assume that, for me, it's a nervous tic and using those two words as "fillers" enables me to keep talking without stopping mid-sentence to think of what I want to say or how I want to say it; it's those instances where I'm at a loss for words that I feel nervous. I'm afraid of seeming stupid, basically, by not being able to talk in a smooth, consistent manner. That's where the nervous tic comes from I guess. In any case, I'm trying my best to stop my verbal habit of profusely using "like" and "that's the thing." I'm sure I'll sound far more intelligent and more agreeable to listen to.
Secondly, there's the dilemma with my friend. Whenever I hang out with him, he brings up how his family perceives his weight is brought up. Of course, I can sense that it bothers him that his family perceives him to be larger than how he perceives himself; he buys/wears clothes that his family tells him are too small for him. As a friend, who do I side with? When I am around him, I can sense that he's sucking his stomach in and for some reason it makes me feel uncomfortable.
There was a situation where I went shopping with him. We both went into the fitting rooms to try on clothes that we chose for ourselves. When he asked me what I thought about what he tried on, I honestly didn't like what he had on. It didn't suit his body, it fit him too tightly and hugged him in the wrong places. I'm a bad liar and I didn't know what to tell him, so I tried to use ambiguous phrases such as "it's nice" or "do you like it?" I'm sure he sensed my discomfort since he finally said, "Honestly, what do you think? You can tell me, do you honestly think I'm fat in this?" Of course, I couldn't lie at that point, so I just told him that the clothes he had on might be a little too small, I could sense his negative reaction, he was disheartened...
I told him that I'm willing to work out with him and we can help each other stay on track with eating wisely/healthily, but I haven't really received a compliant response from him.
In any case, that's all for today folks, I'll write again soon.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Les Amis
So, it's technically about an hour into Tuesday, but I'll be writing this post as if it's still Monday. I'm tired and I know I should go to sleep, but I thought I'd write a thing or two; I'd feel so frickin' guilty if I get out of habit of writing... as I did in my previous attempts to restarts my blog(s).
Anyways, today (Monday) was a pretty decent day. Went to all my classes, which I am really proud of. Realized that perhaps I should take more responsibility for my actions and not ditch one class to finish my homework/projects for another; I should just suck it up and accept the consequences of my laziness and procrastination. Anyways, I just thought of this: it's easier for my to ditch class in order to finish a project for another class rather than to go to my class empty-handed since the saliency of being in a class empty-handed feels more shameful compared to one's absence from class, where there is no imposing consequence. Anyways, yea, there's my academic ramble.
Today, I met up with a high school buddy of mine, someone I haven't talked to since my Freshman year of high school. We lost contact for various reasons, mainly because he was an annoying, immature prick at that point. Luckily, it seems like he has changed. He's more considerate, friendly, socially mature, and definitely way hotter. I asked him if I had changed since he last saw me five or so years ago. He said no, which I suspected since I look in the mirror and still see the same kid from five years ago, whereas he seems to have improved so much: physically and personality-wise. I guess in a way I want to improve myself too, I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. Sure, retrograding isn't a problem, but I also don't want to just stay stagnant. I feel like I've gotten through life by being decent looking, average intelligence, etc. I want to look back five years or even a year from now and see major positive improvements in myself: I want to reach my fullest potential, which I don't believe I have. I know confidence plays a big role as well since it seems like confidence gives people a certain glow to them, something I think I once had.
I guess, at this point, I need to put action behind my words.
Kenny
Anyways, today (Monday) was a pretty decent day. Went to all my classes, which I am really proud of. Realized that perhaps I should take more responsibility for my actions and not ditch one class to finish my homework/projects for another; I should just suck it up and accept the consequences of my laziness and procrastination. Anyways, I just thought of this: it's easier for my to ditch class in order to finish a project for another class rather than to go to my class empty-handed since the saliency of being in a class empty-handed feels more shameful compared to one's absence from class, where there is no imposing consequence. Anyways, yea, there's my academic ramble.
Today, I met up with a high school buddy of mine, someone I haven't talked to since my Freshman year of high school. We lost contact for various reasons, mainly because he was an annoying, immature prick at that point. Luckily, it seems like he has changed. He's more considerate, friendly, socially mature, and definitely way hotter. I asked him if I had changed since he last saw me five or so years ago. He said no, which I suspected since I look in the mirror and still see the same kid from five years ago, whereas he seems to have improved so much: physically and personality-wise. I guess in a way I want to improve myself too, I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. Sure, retrograding isn't a problem, but I also don't want to just stay stagnant. I feel like I've gotten through life by being decent looking, average intelligence, etc. I want to look back five years or even a year from now and see major positive improvements in myself: I want to reach my fullest potential, which I don't believe I have. I know confidence plays a big role as well since it seems like confidence gives people a certain glow to them, something I think I once had.
I guess, at this point, I need to put action behind my words.
Kenny
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Visage
I always wondered what it meant to be pretty, to be handsome, to be beautiful. I always believed that there is something beautiful about someone. Even if they're not breathtaking, they have at least one thing they could be complimented on. Yet when I reflect on myself, I can see the things I want to appreciate, yet I can't get myself to do so.
I look in the mirror and I see the things I like, but then my mind turn to thoughts on how others would perceive me. I wonder whether people outside of myself, beyond my own sights, would see what I see. I wonder if they would see beauty. Of course, it's irrational of me to believe that there is some sort of universal opinion as to whether someone is beautiful or whatnot. I mean, there are those that automatically catch our attention and there are those that we can give a few compliments to. I know that I'm not the former, but to think that what we can attain, even if it is something we never truly had control over, is limited to the latter, it's upsetting at the least.
Is it possible to see beauty in oneself? Is it possible to find that belief and self-sufficiently fuel it with no dependency on those external to us? I've come across a few people that seem to not give a shit about what others think and find confidence within themselves, yet through an internal perspective, I feel as if everything I believe, feel, and see is based on external opinion; specifically, how I see myself. I want to believe that I'm someone of worth, someone worth loving, someone who deserves to be happy, someone who is beautiful. Yet contrary to my desires, I feel as if my worth as a person, my worth as a beloved, whether I deserve to be happy or not, and whether I am attractive all depends on how others see me... Is it possible to find worth in ourselves? To see ourselves as being worthy and beautiful even if the world disagrees?
I look in the mirror and I see the things I like, but then my mind turn to thoughts on how others would perceive me. I wonder whether people outside of myself, beyond my own sights, would see what I see. I wonder if they would see beauty. Of course, it's irrational of me to believe that there is some sort of universal opinion as to whether someone is beautiful or whatnot. I mean, there are those that automatically catch our attention and there are those that we can give a few compliments to. I know that I'm not the former, but to think that what we can attain, even if it is something we never truly had control over, is limited to the latter, it's upsetting at the least.
Is it possible to see beauty in oneself? Is it possible to find that belief and self-sufficiently fuel it with no dependency on those external to us? I've come across a few people that seem to not give a shit about what others think and find confidence within themselves, yet through an internal perspective, I feel as if everything I believe, feel, and see is based on external opinion; specifically, how I see myself. I want to believe that I'm someone of worth, someone worth loving, someone who deserves to be happy, someone who is beautiful. Yet contrary to my desires, I feel as if my worth as a person, my worth as a beloved, whether I deserve to be happy or not, and whether I am attractive all depends on how others see me... Is it possible to find worth in ourselves? To see ourselves as being worthy and beautiful even if the world disagrees?
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