Story About a Boy

His name is Dirk (yes, that's him in the picture). He went to high school with me. He was two years ahead of me. During my freshman year (2005), around the time Facebook was gaining popularity with high school students, I was the first one (in my school) to publicly display my sexual orientation on my profile. I was the one that guys from school, who were still in the closet, would privately message to confide in and ask questions about "being gay".

I helped him ease his nerves and talk him through his first few dates with a guy. We would chat online way past 2-3am on weeknights; we'd talk about love, life, stories of ourselves, anything that came to mind.

This whole friendship of ours only existed online. He never spoke to me when we passed one another in the hallways. We looked at one another, but our eyes never met. He was the gorgeous in-the-closet upperclassman and I was merely a freshman that nobody knew and everyone ostracized for being gay. Nonetheless, I was satisfied with the secret late conversations we had.

One day, he asked me to meet up, in person. I didn't know what to say. It was so unexpected. Was it a date or us just hanging out? I was afraid. I was ashamed of myself. To be in real, personal contact with a guy I admired from afar and realized I was finally growing feelings for. I was afraid of expecting something from it and being let down in the end. I made up some excuse as to why I couldn't and he said okay.

Our late night conversations continued until finally he said, "Ich liebe dich. Sie machen mich glücklich." I asked him what it meant and he said, "It means 'I love you. You make me happy' in German. :)" At that point, I felt encouraged to perhaps take him up on his offer to meet up, even if it would only come out to be casual meet up rather than a date.

Weeks passed by the time I had gained the courage to ask him. When I did, he asked me for my advice on a guy he really wanted to take out on a date. Night after night I would advise him on how to keep his cool and whether his intended actions were cheesy or romantic. He would tell me about his date ideas such as taking the guy to dinner on top of the John Hancock building, saving up money for each excursion he planned, taking the guy to concerts, etc. I pushed my feelings aside to give him the advice he wanted, but what I felt couldn't be left unnoticed.

Finally, one night, I told him how I felt. I told him that I had grown fond of him. That I wanted to get to know him in person, and perhaps continue our friendship or whatever we had face to face. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that he didn't really know what he was saying back then when he said he loved me because I made him happy. 

I asked him, "What changed?" He said, "I realized I'm only attracted to white guys. Sorry."

Les Amis

So, it's technically about an hour into Tuesday, but I'll be writing this post as if it's still Monday. I'm tired and I know I should go to sleep, but I thought I'd write a thing or two; I'd feel so frickin' guilty if I get out of habit of writing... as I did in my previous attempts to restarts my blog(s).

Anyways, today (Monday) was a pretty decent day. Went to all my classes, which I am really proud of. Realized that perhaps I should take more responsibility for my actions and not ditch one class to finish my homework/projects for another; I should just suck it up and accept the consequences of my laziness and procrastination. Anyways, I just thought of this: it's easier for my to ditch class in order to finish a project for another class rather than to go to my class empty-handed since the saliency of being in a class empty-handed feels more shameful compared to one's absence from class, where there is no imposing consequence. Anyways, yea, there's my academic ramble.

Today, I met up with a high school buddy of mine, someone I haven't talked to since my Freshman year of high school. We lost contact for various reasons, mainly because he was an annoying, immature prick at that point. Luckily, it seems like he has changed. He's more considerate, friendly, socially mature, and definitely way hotter. I asked him if I had changed since he last saw me five or so years ago. He said no, which I suspected since I look in the mirror and still see the same kid from five years ago, whereas he seems to have improved so much: physically and personality-wise. I guess in a way I want to improve myself too, I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. Sure, retrograding isn't a problem, but I also don't want to just stay stagnant. I feel like I've gotten through life by being decent looking, average intelligence, etc. I want to look back five years or even a year from now and see major positive improvements in myself: I want to reach my fullest potential, which I don't believe I have. I know confidence plays a big role as well since it seems like confidence gives people a certain glow to them, something I think I once had.


I guess, at this point, I need to put action behind my words.
Kenny