This is my life (currently) in a rant:
I'm currently going to school for psychology and advertisement/PR. I also currently work in retail. In the past week, I've realized how much of a slacker/failure I've been. Sure, I have a job and school on my plate, which can be overwhelming, but at the same time I feel as if I've been pretty relaxed about everything; I don't believe that I've stayed ahead of the game. I'm falling behind in certain things, but staying afloat has kept me ignorant of how much I'm struggling to do so. There's still so much space for effort, yet I've not applied myself. I'm coming to this realization and it makes me feel ashamed of myself a little. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since it has made me realize that I do care. I just have to act upon that concern.
I love my retail job. The people I work with (for the most part) are very friendly and welcoming. Sure, there are those that are pretentious and could not be bothered to even say hello or give a cordial smile, whatever. That's their problem. As long as they're satisfied with their lives and personality, that's cool. I'll stick with the people who I can smile and laugh with. The job can get overwhelming at times since it's technically my first serious retail job and basically everyone I work with has had a few months to a few years of retail experience. Whatever, I got the job for some reason, right? I deserved it. I think I'm getting the hang of it.
There's a boy at work that I've become close with. I think he's someone I can call a friend. The first time I ever met him, I knew that I was attracted to him. Sexually? Perhaps a bit. Although, I think that my attraction leans more towards wanting to get to know him, an intimate attraction per se. He has these beautiful azure eyes speckled with hints of green and hazel. He's good looking and everyone knows it. The first time we ever met, he opened up to me. It caught me off guard, but in a good way. Yes, I'm attracted to him and he has been very open to being my friend. However, he's straight. I can't act upon my attraction. It hurts a bit to know that I want something I cannot have and it's right in front of me. Perhaps it's obvious, to him or to anyone else, that I am attracted to him. But it's something I can never admit outside of myself. I don't want to ruin what he and I possibly have. If things go well, he'll be the closest thing I'll have to a straight male friend.
Working in retail has made me realize my dissatisfaction with my body. Sure, I always said that I want to be more fit and physically attractive, but nothing really pushed me forward other than some hopeful fantasy of having flat abs. Not even a six pack, I just want a flat stomach. Working in retail, especially in the city, I work alongside some of the best looking people. I think I look fat. I think that I am fat. It's not even just that... Compared to the others I work with, I just feel quite unattractive.
Brandon has a new boyfriend now as of yesterday. Good for him. I'm happy for him. How am I comparing it to my own single status? Let's admit it, we always compare our status to those of our past when things change for the better for them. Anyways, I'm satisfied with being single. Is it ideal? I honestly don't know, but it currently works for me. Perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship or perhaps no one has found me to be a good catch. Whatever the reason(s) may be, I'm single and I have myself to live for.
I can't believe that I'll be in Rome in just a little over three months. I don't think it will hit me until I've actually slept a night there and wake up the next morning; in a new place, new city, a new country. I account to the fact that I've been disappointed throughout my life for the things I always felt passionate about. For some reason, there's still this doubt in the back of my head that I'll be living in Rome, Italy in just three months. At the same time, though, I am excited. Who knows what sort of transformations I will go through while I'm there. Perhaps I'll truly find myself in the midst of a foreign world.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Saturday, September 17, 2011
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Holy Shit
Reality recently hit me. I'm basically an adult now. It didn't hit me until I went to my first day of school yesterday. For the previous two years, I've been living on campus and just coming back home for the summer. Now that I'm commuting from home, everything seems so different... more real.
I guess this is how the real world feels; living a few miles away from all your friends instead of living in the same building or even just across campus from one another. I no longer belong to that environment of quasi-reality, where everyone lives within this small bubble between childhood naivety and the unfiltered reality. It feels weird. It feels kind of sad. I realized that childhood isn't a part of life that gracefully fades away, but something that you one day just realize is no longer a part of you. It's not scary, just sad and brings up a sense of nostalgia.
This year didn't start off as exciting as last year, and last year wasn't as exciting as my freshman year. We're truly adults now and it's surprising. In just a little over a year, I'll either have a full-time job or be living in the streets. One of my friends will give birth to her baby in less than a year... She'll be giving birth to the next generation, the generation that will take our place. No more will there be three month summer vacations. Instead, there will be the two weeks per year sort of vacations.
Life shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't feel like this... Why does it feel like a part of my life is ending? I no longer feel the excitement I felt when high school ended, where I looked forward to what was coming next. Now, I just await the uncertainty of the coming tomorrows.
I guess this is how the real world feels; living a few miles away from all your friends instead of living in the same building or even just across campus from one another. I no longer belong to that environment of quasi-reality, where everyone lives within this small bubble between childhood naivety and the unfiltered reality. It feels weird. It feels kind of sad. I realized that childhood isn't a part of life that gracefully fades away, but something that you one day just realize is no longer a part of you. It's not scary, just sad and brings up a sense of nostalgia.
This year didn't start off as exciting as last year, and last year wasn't as exciting as my freshman year. We're truly adults now and it's surprising. In just a little over a year, I'll either have a full-time job or be living in the streets. One of my friends will give birth to her baby in less than a year... She'll be giving birth to the next generation, the generation that will take our place. No more will there be three month summer vacations. Instead, there will be the two weeks per year sort of vacations.
Life shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't feel like this... Why does it feel like a part of my life is ending? I no longer feel the excitement I felt when high school ended, where I looked forward to what was coming next. Now, I just await the uncertainty of the coming tomorrows.
Friday, January 28, 2011
I Feel Degraded
For the past two weeks I have been trying to get into this certain professor's Italian-101 course. I wasn't able to simply register into the class since the class was full by the time I could register for classes for this semester. When I spoke with the professor at the beginning of the semester (i.e. two weeks ago), she told me that she can't do anything during the first week since it's add/drop week. She suggested that I come to each class, participate, try to get in the class if a seat opens during the first week, and if not, she'll see what she can do the following week.
After a week of going to an 8am class at below 10 degree weather every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and participating as if I was actually registered for the class, the professor tells me to talk to the chairperson of the department. When I spoke with the chairperson, he told me to pick up a course add/drop override form from the dean's office, get it signed by the professor, and he'd sign it. When I went to the dean's office/advisory office, they told me they no longer used the form that the chairperson was talking about and all they'd need is a signed notice signifying permission from the chairperson. I tried to go back to the department chairperson's office to explain what the advisory office had told me, but he was no longer there. Afterward, I e-mailed the professor and told her the whole situation with the chairperson wanting a documentation of her permission and that the advisory office just needed the chairperson's permission. So in essence, all I needed was for the professor to e-mail the chairperson, who can then give me a documentation of his permission, which I could pass on to the dean's office. Of course, the professor didn't reply to my e-mail, but the e-mail system my school runs on showed that she had opened it an hour after I sent it.
After going through that whole situation, I came to class, participated, and tried to talk to the professor again after class. I asked her if she had received my message and what she thought I should do. She said that she'll talk to the department chair, then she said, "You better not make me regret this. You're making a lot more work for me. You better not make me regret doing this," in this annoyed tone. In my head I was thinking, "Is she threatening me? I get to class every morning before anyone else does, I actually am the one to turn on the lights in class, and I participate as much (if not more than) any of her registered students just to prove my commitment." I felt so degraded as if I was an unnecessary inconvenience to her. Yes, I know that adding one more student to a closed course can add a little bit more workload for her like grading an extra quiz/exam, getting participation from one extra student, adding one more name to her roster, but was it really necessary for her to make me feel like I was wasting her time? Did she really have to threaten me?
Today, I went to class again, participated, and tried to talk to her and ask her what's going on with the whole situation. My exact words to her were, "***** I was wondering about the course override." She replied, "What about it?" I responded, "Well, I was wondering if I've been registered in your class?" She replied, "Well, non, you told me that you were confused as to whether a course add/drop form would be necessary. Once you find out, get back to me." Again, in my mind, I was thinking, "Why is she being so apprehensive towards me? Didn't she say that she would talk to the department chairperson herself?" I felt like I was just slapped in the face. I felt so low at that point.
A little later, I went to the advisement office and talked to another advisor. I explained the whole situation to him, how I've basically been passed around from one school administrator to another and with no answers. In the end, the advisor basically just told me what I've been hearing the past few days I've tried to settle this whole situation, "Ask the professor to e-mail me saying that she gives you permission." In essence, I've been running around for the past week trying to get some person's permission who only points me to the people who told me to get the former's permission in the first place before the latter gives me theirs.
I'm frustrated and I feel degraded by these people. How can these people call themselves educators? They're so blinded by the bureaucracy that they lost sight of their main goal: to teach and nurture students' education. All that these people have done is humiliate me and belittle my desire to learn. I want to get into a class because I want to learn. I have been sitting and participating in the class every Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 8am and getting there before anyone else, so they can't tell me they don't have a seat for me; I've been sitting in one. I cannot believe that these people can pride themselves in the notion that they're positively influencing the futures of students. I want to learn. I am committed to learn. I have been trying to prove that to them, but all they do is pass me on to someone else because none of them want to send the simple e-mail to one other person among them with a statement as simple as, "Kenneth has permission to be in this class." Instead, they prefer to have me run around between each of them, nod my head, accept some bullshit excuse that the previous person also gave, and go back and forth with the same message.
These people are not educators. They do not deserve to take pride in such a title.
After a week of going to an 8am class at below 10 degree weather every Monday, Wednesday, Friday, and participating as if I was actually registered for the class, the professor tells me to talk to the chairperson of the department. When I spoke with the chairperson, he told me to pick up a course add/drop override form from the dean's office, get it signed by the professor, and he'd sign it. When I went to the dean's office/advisory office, they told me they no longer used the form that the chairperson was talking about and all they'd need is a signed notice signifying permission from the chairperson. I tried to go back to the department chairperson's office to explain what the advisory office had told me, but he was no longer there. Afterward, I e-mailed the professor and told her the whole situation with the chairperson wanting a documentation of her permission and that the advisory office just needed the chairperson's permission. So in essence, all I needed was for the professor to e-mail the chairperson, who can then give me a documentation of his permission, which I could pass on to the dean's office. Of course, the professor didn't reply to my e-mail, but the e-mail system my school runs on showed that she had opened it an hour after I sent it.
After going through that whole situation, I came to class, participated, and tried to talk to the professor again after class. I asked her if she had received my message and what she thought I should do. She said that she'll talk to the department chair, then she said, "You better not make me regret this. You're making a lot more work for me. You better not make me regret doing this," in this annoyed tone. In my head I was thinking, "Is she threatening me? I get to class every morning before anyone else does, I actually am the one to turn on the lights in class, and I participate as much (if not more than) any of her registered students just to prove my commitment." I felt so degraded as if I was an unnecessary inconvenience to her. Yes, I know that adding one more student to a closed course can add a little bit more workload for her like grading an extra quiz/exam, getting participation from one extra student, adding one more name to her roster, but was it really necessary for her to make me feel like I was wasting her time? Did she really have to threaten me?
Today, I went to class again, participated, and tried to talk to her and ask her what's going on with the whole situation. My exact words to her were, "***** I was wondering about the course override." She replied, "What about it?" I responded, "Well, I was wondering if I've been registered in your class?" She replied, "Well, non, you told me that you were confused as to whether a course add/drop form would be necessary. Once you find out, get back to me." Again, in my mind, I was thinking, "Why is she being so apprehensive towards me? Didn't she say that she would talk to the department chairperson herself?" I felt like I was just slapped in the face. I felt so low at that point.
A little later, I went to the advisement office and talked to another advisor. I explained the whole situation to him, how I've basically been passed around from one school administrator to another and with no answers. In the end, the advisor basically just told me what I've been hearing the past few days I've tried to settle this whole situation, "Ask the professor to e-mail me saying that she gives you permission." In essence, I've been running around for the past week trying to get some person's permission who only points me to the people who told me to get the former's permission in the first place before the latter gives me theirs.
I'm frustrated and I feel degraded by these people. How can these people call themselves educators? They're so blinded by the bureaucracy that they lost sight of their main goal: to teach and nurture students' education. All that these people have done is humiliate me and belittle my desire to learn. I want to get into a class because I want to learn. I have been sitting and participating in the class every Monday, Wednesday, Friday at 8am and getting there before anyone else, so they can't tell me they don't have a seat for me; I've been sitting in one. I cannot believe that these people can pride themselves in the notion that they're positively influencing the futures of students. I want to learn. I am committed to learn. I have been trying to prove that to them, but all they do is pass me on to someone else because none of them want to send the simple e-mail to one other person among them with a statement as simple as, "Kenneth has permission to be in this class." Instead, they prefer to have me run around between each of them, nod my head, accept some bullshit excuse that the previous person also gave, and go back and forth with the same message.
These people are not educators. They do not deserve to take pride in such a title.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Family
I'm currently visiting my family back in the suburbs. It's been about three weeks since I've come to see them. To tell you the truth, it's a little more stressful to be here. I feel more constrained and upset when I'm here. Just too much negative energy I guess.
I recently quit my food service just because I felt like my heart was no longer in it and I didn't really feel like it's leading me anywhere. I thought it'd be best to focus more on possibly looking for some volunteer work or internships that would be more relevant to my current field of study (psychology).
Once I told my mother that I had quit from my job, she was actually pretty elated. She never really liked the idea of me working, some sort of maternal pride I guess. But in any case, she told me that she'd financially support me and that I should focus on my academic work.
And now, here we are, dear reader, sitting in my parent's dining room. Well, at least I am, but you know what I mean. Just found out that my parents are claiming bankruptcy, so that pretty much made me worry of my own finances; the word bankruptcy pretty much contradicts what my mother said about financially supporting me while I'm in school. I should start looking for a job.
But in any case, here I am. It has been at least 24 hours since I had gone to sleep. Why you might ask? Due to an illness I have called procrastination. No early onset symptoms, but when it gets to a cyclic stage called "DUE DATES" bags under the eyes due to all-nighters, coffee-stained teeth, and skin just looking really dreadful due to the lack of sleep and overdose in caffeine. I jest. I'm sure you knew that.
Kind of ironic though that I finished my paper just on time only to realize that my professor pushed the deadline back by 24 hrs. Silly Billy. In any case, yea, let's leave it at that.
I recently quit my food service just because I felt like my heart was no longer in it and I didn't really feel like it's leading me anywhere. I thought it'd be best to focus more on possibly looking for some volunteer work or internships that would be more relevant to my current field of study (psychology).
Once I told my mother that I had quit from my job, she was actually pretty elated. She never really liked the idea of me working, some sort of maternal pride I guess. But in any case, she told me that she'd financially support me and that I should focus on my academic work.
And now, here we are, dear reader, sitting in my parent's dining room. Well, at least I am, but you know what I mean. Just found out that my parents are claiming bankruptcy, so that pretty much made me worry of my own finances; the word bankruptcy pretty much contradicts what my mother said about financially supporting me while I'm in school. I should start looking for a job.
But in any case, here I am. It has been at least 24 hours since I had gone to sleep. Why you might ask? Due to an illness I have called procrastination. No early onset symptoms, but when it gets to a cyclic stage called "DUE DATES" bags under the eyes due to all-nighters, coffee-stained teeth, and skin just looking really dreadful due to the lack of sleep and overdose in caffeine. I jest. I'm sure you knew that.
Kind of ironic though that I finished my paper just on time only to realize that my professor pushed the deadline back by 24 hrs. Silly Billy. In any case, yea, let's leave it at that.
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