My Life in a Rant

This is my life (currently) in a rant:

I'm currently going to school for psychology and advertisement/PR. I also currently work in retail. In the past week, I've realized how much of a slacker/failure I've been. Sure, I have a job and school on my plate, which can be overwhelming, but at the same time I feel as if I've been pretty relaxed about everything; I don't believe that I've stayed ahead of the game. I'm falling behind in certain things, but staying afloat has kept me ignorant of how much I'm struggling to do so. There's still so much space for effort, yet I've not applied myself. I'm coming to this realization and it makes me feel ashamed of myself a little. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since it has made me realize that I do care. I just have to act upon that concern.

I love my retail job. The people I work with (for the most part) are very friendly and welcoming. Sure, there are those that are pretentious and could not be bothered to even say hello or give a cordial smile, whatever. That's their problem. As long as they're satisfied with their lives and personality, that's cool. I'll stick with the people who I can smile and laugh with. The job can get overwhelming at times since it's technically my first serious retail job and basically everyone I work with has had a few months to a few years of retail experience. Whatever, I got the job for some reason, right? I deserved it. I think I'm getting the hang of it.

There's a boy at work that I've become close with. I think he's someone I can call a friend. The first time I ever met him, I knew that I was attracted to him. Sexually? Perhaps a bit. Although, I think that my attraction leans more towards wanting to get to know him, an intimate attraction per se. He has these beautiful azure eyes speckled with hints of green and hazel. He's good looking and everyone knows it. The first time we ever met, he opened up to me. It caught me off guard, but in a good way. Yes, I'm attracted to him and he has been very open to being my friend. However, he's straight. I can't act upon my attraction. It hurts a bit to know that I want something I cannot have and it's right in front of me. Perhaps it's obvious, to him or to anyone else, that I am attracted to him. But it's something I can never admit outside of myself. I don't want to ruin what he and I possibly have. If things go well, he'll be the closest thing I'll have to a straight male friend.

Working in retail has made me realize my dissatisfaction with my body. Sure, I always said that I want to be more fit and physically attractive, but nothing really pushed me forward other than some hopeful fantasy of having flat abs. Not even a six pack, I just want a flat stomach. Working in retail, especially in the city, I work alongside some of the best looking people. I think I look fat. I think that I am fat. It's not even just that... Compared to the others I work with, I just feel quite unattractive.

Brandon has a new boyfriend now as of yesterday. Good for him. I'm happy for him. How am I comparing it to my own single status? Let's admit it, we always compare our status to those of our past when things change for the better for them. Anyways, I'm satisfied with being single. Is it ideal? I honestly don't know, but it currently works for me. Perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship or perhaps no one has found me to be a good catch. Whatever the reason(s) may be, I'm single and I have myself to live for.

I can't believe that I'll be in Rome in just a little over three months. I don't think it will hit me until I've actually slept a night there and wake up the next morning; in a new place, new city, a new country. I account to the fact that I've been disappointed throughout my life for the things I always felt passionate about. For some reason, there's still this doubt in the back of my head that I'll be living in Rome, Italy in just three months. At the same time, though, I am excited. Who knows what sort of transformations I will go through while I'm there. Perhaps I'll truly find myself in the midst of a foreign world.

The Kate Moss Mantra

Food doesn't take as good as skinny feels. -Kate Moss

I've been telling myself this for the past few weeks. Whenever I feel like I'm about to indulge on a cupcake (or leftover Chinese take-out) past 11pm, I repeat the words, "Food doesn't taste as good as skinny feels." I say it two or three times and it tends to keep me from indulging. 

For some time now my physical image has been a constant, active concern in my mind. Ever since I took on that job in retail a few months ago I realized how much my image truly mattered. Hence why I quit the job. Among other things, I couldn't stand the pressure of being systematically judged for how I looked... especially being constantly aware of it. Sure, I've always been decently dressed.

The problem has been the body that puts itself in the clothes bought.

When I was in middle school and early on in high school my clothes ran from medium to large. After some time, I lost weight and realized that clothes running in small sizes were a better fit. I went from ~167 lbs. when I was in middle school and got to my lowest weight of ~135 lbs. just due to puberty kicking in. Clothes became more flattering, I was given a greater range of choices in clothes, and I gained more confidence. However, now that my metabolism is starting to slow down and physical education/workouts are no longer mandated, as they were throughout elementary and high school, I have become more conscious of my body image. I've started to gain back the weight. I can no longer eat an order of 10-piece chicken McNuggets, two Big Macs, large fries, and a large sweet tea everyday after school. My metabolism can longer process it all as quickly as it used to.

Realistically, I've reached the peak of my metabolism and now keeping off the weight will depend on my choices, not the automated, inner workings of my body.

I've taken on another retail job, which I will be starting at next week. (Don't worry, I left my food service job on good terms.) I will be the first batch of employees hired as it is a new store opening in the city. Surprisingly, it's a job I never thought I could attain, not even get an interview for. I sent in an application just for the heck of it one night. Surprisingly, they called me for an interview, and after two interviews, I was hired. Now, my greatest concern is being prepared for the job. Yes, they will train me on proper protocol, the brand/company's history, the lingo, etc. Meanwhile, I will personally have to take into my own hands the state of my body: clearing up my acne (as much as I can under my control) and getting my body in a much fitter shape.

Either a) I keep denying the fact that I will have to start wearing clothes running in sizes medium/large if I don't take action, b) lose the weight, or c) stay on the path I'm on and just choose clothing in sizes larger than a small. I choose the second option. I will lose the weight.

So where do I go on from here?

Self-Esteem Issues

I used to not be as insecure as I am today. In the past, especially during my middle-school years, I didn't give a shit about what others thought about me. All right, perhaps that's not entirely true, even though I was aware of the negative criticisms, I never let it affect me. I was flamboyant (borderline flamer), expressive, and most important of all, I was happy.

At some point, I changed. I admit I have become jaded. Even though I told myself that I will never become jaded or consider myself a victim, I still turned out to be. I was so afraid of becoming something that the fear of becoming "it" kept me from seeing my very fears creeping up on me. At one point, I was an expressive person; I took pride in that. Everything that I felt and thought, I was able to verbalize in words. People admired how in-tuned I was with my emotions. I was never confused or uncertain about how I felt and I always trusted my intuition.

Whenever I take a step forward, I become afraid and take two steps back. Whenever opportunities were presented to me, I would get ahold of them, then let go too soon. I have become so afraid and so affected by others' opinion of me that my own opinion became lost to them. Often, I thought, "I don't deserve this positive opportunity," or, "someone else is more well-deserving." What I thought others thought of me became my thoughts, my opinions, my direction. I became so afraid to commit because I didn't know when in the future I would be let down again. I became a gray canvas because I am too afraid to be my inherent self, too afraid to be criticized, too afraid to be alone. I was a gray canvas, not blank, because there is a self I am aware of, but have tried over and over again to paint over.

I am where I am now because I am in between two phases. I have let others determine who I am, yet I am aware of the individuality I possess. There is conflict between two identities as one is a part of me that wants to be accepted (no matter the cost), therefore passively letting others determine my identity, and the latter that desires me to stand for something, to stand up for myself, to express the opinions and thoughts I've come to suppress, and to just be me.

I don't know what specifically changed me. Sure, I could think of key events in my life that might have steered me towards the direction I am facing today, but I'd rather not dwell on them. Dwelling on the past would only tempt me to rationalize what has already happened and make excuses out of them. At this point, I've already made too many excuses, I've mourned and reflected, and now it's time to move on. Where exactly do I move on from here?

How can I reconcile the two and be the person that will make me the happiest?