The Kate Moss Mantra

Food doesn't take as good as skinny feels. -Kate Moss

I've been telling myself this for the past few weeks. Whenever I feel like I'm about to indulge on a cupcake (or leftover Chinese take-out) past 11pm, I repeat the words, "Food doesn't taste as good as skinny feels." I say it two or three times and it tends to keep me from indulging. 

For some time now my physical image has been a constant, active concern in my mind. Ever since I took on that job in retail a few months ago I realized how much my image truly mattered. Hence why I quit the job. Among other things, I couldn't stand the pressure of being systematically judged for how I looked... especially being constantly aware of it. Sure, I've always been decently dressed.

The problem has been the body that puts itself in the clothes bought.

When I was in middle school and early on in high school my clothes ran from medium to large. After some time, I lost weight and realized that clothes running in small sizes were a better fit. I went from ~167 lbs. when I was in middle school and got to my lowest weight of ~135 lbs. just due to puberty kicking in. Clothes became more flattering, I was given a greater range of choices in clothes, and I gained more confidence. However, now that my metabolism is starting to slow down and physical education/workouts are no longer mandated, as they were throughout elementary and high school, I have become more conscious of my body image. I've started to gain back the weight. I can no longer eat an order of 10-piece chicken McNuggets, two Big Macs, large fries, and a large sweet tea everyday after school. My metabolism can longer process it all as quickly as it used to.

Realistically, I've reached the peak of my metabolism and now keeping off the weight will depend on my choices, not the automated, inner workings of my body.

I've taken on another retail job, which I will be starting at next week. (Don't worry, I left my food service job on good terms.) I will be the first batch of employees hired as it is a new store opening in the city. Surprisingly, it's a job I never thought I could attain, not even get an interview for. I sent in an application just for the heck of it one night. Surprisingly, they called me for an interview, and after two interviews, I was hired. Now, my greatest concern is being prepared for the job. Yes, they will train me on proper protocol, the brand/company's history, the lingo, etc. Meanwhile, I will personally have to take into my own hands the state of my body: clearing up my acne (as much as I can under my control) and getting my body in a much fitter shape.

Either a) I keep denying the fact that I will have to start wearing clothes running in sizes medium/large if I don't take action, b) lose the weight, or c) stay on the path I'm on and just choose clothing in sizes larger than a small. I choose the second option. I will lose the weight.

So where do I go on from here?

Self-Esteem Issues

I used to not be as insecure as I am today. In the past, especially during my middle-school years, I didn't give a shit about what others thought about me. All right, perhaps that's not entirely true, even though I was aware of the negative criticisms, I never let it affect me. I was flamboyant (borderline flamer), expressive, and most important of all, I was happy.

At some point, I changed. I admit I have become jaded. Even though I told myself that I will never become jaded or consider myself a victim, I still turned out to be. I was so afraid of becoming something that the fear of becoming "it" kept me from seeing my very fears creeping up on me. At one point, I was an expressive person; I took pride in that. Everything that I felt and thought, I was able to verbalize in words. People admired how in-tuned I was with my emotions. I was never confused or uncertain about how I felt and I always trusted my intuition.

Whenever I take a step forward, I become afraid and take two steps back. Whenever opportunities were presented to me, I would get ahold of them, then let go too soon. I have become so afraid and so affected by others' opinion of me that my own opinion became lost to them. Often, I thought, "I don't deserve this positive opportunity," or, "someone else is more well-deserving." What I thought others thought of me became my thoughts, my opinions, my direction. I became so afraid to commit because I didn't know when in the future I would be let down again. I became a gray canvas because I am too afraid to be my inherent self, too afraid to be criticized, too afraid to be alone. I was a gray canvas, not blank, because there is a self I am aware of, but have tried over and over again to paint over.

I am where I am now because I am in between two phases. I have let others determine who I am, yet I am aware of the individuality I possess. There is conflict between two identities as one is a part of me that wants to be accepted (no matter the cost), therefore passively letting others determine my identity, and the latter that desires me to stand for something, to stand up for myself, to express the opinions and thoughts I've come to suppress, and to just be me.

I don't know what specifically changed me. Sure, I could think of key events in my life that might have steered me towards the direction I am facing today, but I'd rather not dwell on them. Dwelling on the past would only tempt me to rationalize what has already happened and make excuses out of them. At this point, I've already made too many excuses, I've mourned and reflected, and now it's time to move on. Where exactly do I move on from here?

How can I reconcile the two and be the person that will make me the happiest?

Who We Are: to Ourselves and to Others

I just recently got back from hanging out with my friend Drew. Drew is one of those guys that I would categorize as a "pretty gay." He's tall (over 6 feet), blond hair, blue eyes, high cheekbones, well-dressed, etc. He's the type of person that I have often observed turning heads. For example, earlier this evening, we were in Starbucks. When he walked to the counter to get my coffee or when someone outside would pass by the window where we were sitting, they'd turn their head to look at him. Contrary to the stereotype of good-looking gay guys with bitchy, pretentious attitudes, he's actually the opposite; he's very silly, generous, kind, and quite the gentleman.

Sometimes, gay friends come across a dilemma where a friendship is implicitly expected to evolve into a friends-with-benefits relationship, an intimate boyfriend-boyfriend relationship, or any sort of relationship between them simply dissolves. With Drew, we're comfortable with just being friends. Frankly, the absence of any sort of sexual attraction between us has enabled me to open up to him at a level greater than I have experience with any other friend. Whenever he and I are hanging out, I don't feel pressured to behave a certain way or censor certain thoughts/opinions. With such statements considered, is what he sees of me the truest form of my identity? When we are stripped of expectations and given the chance to behave in any way without fearing rejection, do we come to see our clearest reflection?

After hanging out with Drew a few times, he has stated that I am very sweet, kind, cute, and quite innocent. He questions why I have yet to find a man and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and respond, "I don't know." In truth, am I truly as sweet, kind, and innocent as he says I am? I feel no attraction to him or any conscious desire to please him, therefore I can only conclude that he sees me in my most basic form. With others, I have sometimes found myself having to act a certain way (jaded, overly optimistic, cold, aloof, etc.). I often feel as if I'm emphasizing certain facets of myself with others, whereas with Drew, I am just me.

What I'm getting at is that I want others to see me as he sees me. I want the rest of my friends friends and other men to see me for who I truly am. Some of us find ourselves trying to play roles other than our own. There are times when we want to seem suave to others, therefore we act more aloof, haughty, or obnoxious. Other times, we want to seem innocent, so we act too optimistic, too friendly, or too accommodating. We try to play these roles in order to satisfy other people's perceived expectations, which we can never truly fulfill, and we forget our role as ourselves. One quote that resonates with what I'm trying to say is something that Judy Garland once said, "Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else." The thing is, the only way to generally succeed in this world is to stay true to ourselves and to take advantage of our own individuality.

With further reflection, yes, I am a sweet and kind-hearted person. I have tried to portray to others a character that seemed cold, aloof, and suave or too optimistic, enthusiastic, or friendly in order to hide my vulnerabilities. In consequence, portraying traits that were on both extremes of what I truly possess, I have come to surround myself with people I could not develop clear, intimate connections with. I found myself confused and not knowing which direction to take in my life because I lost my sense of identity under layers upon layers of supposed expectations.

With all things considered, I think I'm comfortable and ready to be me. I think I can move on forward and be honest with myself (and others) as to who I am.

Qui Suis-Je?

Who am I?

Am I an asshole, a bitch, a charmer, an altruistic man? Can't I be all of that at one point or another? Perhaps all at the same time? I must admit though, it was far more difficult for me to come up with positive descriptions like "altruistic man" than to come up with "asshole" or "bitch". Perhaps it means something? Perhaps not. Who knows.

But seriously, who am I?

People will surely put labels on us in order to convince us that we are who they think we are.  But is that what our identities are contingent upon? Partially? Wholly? They say that people outside of ourselves are more accurate in reading who we are. What does that mean really? Our personalities, our intentions, or who they think we are in terms of their own affects? If it's the last one, then are they really that much more accurate in identifying who we are than we are in identifying ourselves?

Honestly, at this point, I guess I'm just rambling. I apologize, let me get back on the subject. What I'm saying is, I want to stop perceiving the words of others as truth and fact in terms of who I am. I want to look within myself and meet and learn the person that I inherently am before I let others define me. Is that possible though? Is it possible to find ourselves in an internal vacuum of mental space, absent of labels, external influence, and the sorts and find our true, innate self-interests? Or are we truly constructs of our social interactions?

Perhaps the latter is true, but that doesn't mean the former is absolutely false, right? I guess in a sense, with both questions combined, my question is: Am I strong enough to mold the person I am with just as much (if not more) certainty and conviction as others do in their attempts to mold those outside of themselves?

I guess that's a question that you, dear reader, will accompany me in finding the answer to.