"I'm HIV+"
"I'm HIV+"
"I'm HIV+"
As I stood in front of my bedroom mirror this morning, I whispered the same statement to myself. I was thinking, "Can it be true? Can I really have caught it? What the fuck was I thinking? Why did I do this to myself?" I keep on thinking of what I would do if it were true. Would I tell my parents? My family? Of course not. They would see less of me. I would no longer be their son. I would become the reinforcement to their misconstrued stereotype that all gay men are diseased. Can I do that to them? Can I really take away from them the hope and dreams they have invested in me? I can't. It's the second coming out story I just can't share.
I look in the mirror and the same person as the day before, the day before that, and the days that preceded all these days. I look at myself and see nothing of this disease. I see a 20 year old college student soon to be 21 and soon to be going on an adventure to Europe. On the outside, I'm the same person as before, but internally I could possibly be fighting a battle.
Why did I hook up with this person on Grindr? Why did I hook up with this person grabbing his crotch on the train? I took all these risks for nothing more than an hour's worth of an adrenaline rush. I gave up my identity for the thrill of spontaneity. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I can't stop but blame myself.
It has been two days since both of incidents occurred. Yesterday, after waking up from an hour nap at work, my throat felt sore. It was somewhat difficult for me to swallow compared to usual and the lymph nodes on both sides of my neck were tender. It's so bizarre to think that my symptoms started while I was asleep for an hour. Perhaps it was evident before, but I just did not notice? I was somewhat chilly, are chills a symptom of an STD? I don't know.
I've spent all of last night searching for the incubation period of all the common STDs and trying to figure out when I should get tested. I looked up the early symptoms of each common STD and tried to match it with mine. "Sore throat and swollen lymph nodes...," two out of the six early symptoms of HIV. My search only worries me even more, yet I can't stop as I try to find any reassurance I can of it being nothing more than a cold. My worries make it difficult for me to sleep and I wake up with tight muscles. Great, another symptom: muscle tightness. I try to convince myself that the sore throat/difficulty to swallow is probably just because the second guy kept shoving his dick way past my tonsils: over and over. I made sure to not swallow and I rinsed out my mouth just to make sure (since they tell you not to brush your teeth or anything). Then I try to rationalize the swollen lymph nodes on my neck. Nope, I'm definitely sick. It's just a matter of what I'm sick with.
I'm scared and I'm worried. The incubation period for all the common STDs (along with HIV) is from one week to three months. This means I have to wait at least a week to be accurately tested for some, but not all, STDs. It scares me and it worries me. I keep wondering why I allowed myself to be put at risk. I keep telling myself, "I'm HIV+," in order to prepare myself if it were true. However, if my results do come out positive two or three months from now (with the Nucleic Acid-Based test), nothing can truly prepare me for the emotions I will feel at that point.
This has made me face my own mortality. I am human and I am vulnerable to this world. It's astonishing and I wish it wasn't true... but it is.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
Wednesday, October 19, 2011
Andiamo! (Let's Go!)
So for the past few weeks I've been preparing myself for my study abroad trip to Rome. I've been trying to get all the necessary paperwork done for my visa, school, and flight in order. Also, I've been working on a my travel blog (My Travel Blog), which I will be utilizing much more during my time in Europe. Also, I've been working on attaining a scholarship for my trip, which includes an essay portion. For the essay, I had to include:
---------------------------------------------------
<Edited: October 20th, 2011 @ 4:40pm>
There comes a time in our lives when we realize our responsibility for the world we live in. We come to acknowledge the potential we have to improve society for ourselves and our posterity. From this, a desire is born to learn from a world larger than ourselves and have an proactive influence upon it. From my studies, I hope to learn from the new ideologies, people, and challenges I will encounter. Being a non-native English speaker, I hope to provide a unique perspective that my peers can benefit from. Ultimately, I look forward to embracing the cultural disparities I encounter and hold myself accountable to a world different, but united through a human commonality. I hope to learn, share, and befriend those I come across regardless of physical and political borders.
During my stay at JFRC for the 2012 Spring semester, my expenses (i.e., tuition, room and board, fees, etc.) will be afforded by money I will have raised working a part-time job during the semester preceding my expected departure, a private student loan, and a monetary amount my mother (my only income-earning parent) can contribute. This scholarship would provide me the opportunity to see more of the world (and greater community), in which I wish to be more of an active participant. This scholarship would prove to me that there are people who share and support the same philosophy as I do in improving society through knowledge and its dissemination through education and social interaction.
- How I would benefit from the study abroad program
- What impact would the scholarship have on my study abroad plans
- How my presence in the program would enhance the program environment
- How I plan to finance the trip
---------------------------------------------------
<Edited: October 20th, 2011 @ 4:40pm>
There comes a time in our lives when we realize our responsibility for the world we live in. We come to acknowledge the potential we have to improve society for ourselves and our posterity. From this, a desire is born to learn from a world larger than ourselves and have an proactive influence upon it. From my studies, I hope to learn from the new ideologies, people, and challenges I will encounter. Being a non-native English speaker, I hope to provide a unique perspective that my peers can benefit from. Ultimately, I look forward to embracing the cultural disparities I encounter and hold myself accountable to a world different, but united through a human commonality. I hope to learn, share, and befriend those I come across regardless of physical and political borders.
During my stay at JFRC for the 2012 Spring semester, my expenses (i.e., tuition, room and board, fees, etc.) will be afforded by money I will have raised working a part-time job during the semester preceding my expected departure, a private student loan, and a monetary amount my mother (my only income-earning parent) can contribute. This scholarship would provide me the opportunity to see more of the world (and greater community), in which I wish to be more of an active participant. This scholarship would prove to me that there are people who share and support the same philosophy as I do in improving society through knowledge and its dissemination through education and social interaction.
Sunday, October 2, 2011
My Grandmother Had a Stroke
It has been a while since I've written... I know that I start every post with a similar phrase if not the same. Oh well, it gives my blog a sense of uniformity I guess. In any case, I haven't really had anything to write about. I go to school and I go to work. I make money, then I spend money I should be saving up for my trip to Rome, Italy. People ask me what's new with me and I really don't have an answer for them. The events of my life have been undulating from minor highs to lows. My love life has been non-existent and I am satisfied with that. Nothing in my life has really stood out in the past few months.
This morning, my mother told me that my (maternal) grandmother had a mini-stroke. It made me realize that life is always moving. Things break down, fall apart, and sometimes they can't be perfectly mended. It made me realize that if anything did ever happen to my grandmother... if she were to die, my family would push a generation forward. My parents would then be at the forefront of life, the ones that would be face to face with mortality. And once they are gone, it would be me, my sisters and I, who would be leading our family towards an uncertain future.
My reaction to my mother's news reminds me of Camus's Meursault who started the novel L'Etranger by saying, "Aujourd'hui, maman est morte. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas." There's a sense of apathy or perhaps an inability to the sensitivity of the matter. I cry when I see tragedies in movies and I become anxious when I hear of misfortunes happening to others distant from me, yet when things happen to me (e.g., illness or death of someone close to me), I feel numb. I feel no reason to cry, to worry, or to even feel sorrow. This is the woman who raised me from early infancy to the age of five while my mother worked abroad. She was basically my surrogate mother since birth to the age of five. I remember her taking me to the fish markets during the weekends. I remember the mornings when we would sit on her veranda in the countryside and watch the sunrise. She loved me unconditionally and gave me unconditional positive regard... perhaps even more so than my own mother. However, I am more focused on asking myself questions than actually feeling vulnerable. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism of mine to not suppress emotion, but to completely rid myself of it.
Perhaps, in truth, I have no sympathy for anyone but myself.
This morning, my mother told me that my (maternal) grandmother had a mini-stroke. It made me realize that life is always moving. Things break down, fall apart, and sometimes they can't be perfectly mended. It made me realize that if anything did ever happen to my grandmother... if she were to die, my family would push a generation forward. My parents would then be at the forefront of life, the ones that would be face to face with mortality. And once they are gone, it would be me, my sisters and I, who would be leading our family towards an uncertain future.
My reaction to my mother's news reminds me of Camus's Meursault who started the novel L'Etranger by saying, "Aujourd'hui, maman est morte. Ou peut-être hier, je ne sais pas." There's a sense of apathy or perhaps an inability to the sensitivity of the matter. I cry when I see tragedies in movies and I become anxious when I hear of misfortunes happening to others distant from me, yet when things happen to me (e.g., illness or death of someone close to me), I feel numb. I feel no reason to cry, to worry, or to even feel sorrow. This is the woman who raised me from early infancy to the age of five while my mother worked abroad. She was basically my surrogate mother since birth to the age of five. I remember her taking me to the fish markets during the weekends. I remember the mornings when we would sit on her veranda in the countryside and watch the sunrise. She loved me unconditionally and gave me unconditional positive regard... perhaps even more so than my own mother. However, I am more focused on asking myself questions than actually feeling vulnerable. Perhaps it's a defense mechanism of mine to not suppress emotion, but to completely rid myself of it.
Perhaps, in truth, I have no sympathy for anyone but myself.
Saturday, September 17, 2011
My Life in a Rant
This is my life (currently) in a rant:
I'm currently going to school for psychology and advertisement/PR. I also currently work in retail. In the past week, I've realized how much of a slacker/failure I've been. Sure, I have a job and school on my plate, which can be overwhelming, but at the same time I feel as if I've been pretty relaxed about everything; I don't believe that I've stayed ahead of the game. I'm falling behind in certain things, but staying afloat has kept me ignorant of how much I'm struggling to do so. There's still so much space for effort, yet I've not applied myself. I'm coming to this realization and it makes me feel ashamed of myself a little. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since it has made me realize that I do care. I just have to act upon that concern.
I love my retail job. The people I work with (for the most part) are very friendly and welcoming. Sure, there are those that are pretentious and could not be bothered to even say hello or give a cordial smile, whatever. That's their problem. As long as they're satisfied with their lives and personality, that's cool. I'll stick with the people who I can smile and laugh with. The job can get overwhelming at times since it's technically my first serious retail job and basically everyone I work with has had a few months to a few years of retail experience. Whatever, I got the job for some reason, right? I deserved it. I think I'm getting the hang of it.
There's a boy at work that I've become close with. I think he's someone I can call a friend. The first time I ever met him, I knew that I was attracted to him. Sexually? Perhaps a bit. Although, I think that my attraction leans more towards wanting to get to know him, an intimate attraction per se. He has these beautiful azure eyes speckled with hints of green and hazel. He's good looking and everyone knows it. The first time we ever met, he opened up to me. It caught me off guard, but in a good way. Yes, I'm attracted to him and he has been very open to being my friend. However, he's straight. I can't act upon my attraction. It hurts a bit to know that I want something I cannot have and it's right in front of me. Perhaps it's obvious, to him or to anyone else, that I am attracted to him. But it's something I can never admit outside of myself. I don't want to ruin what he and I possibly have. If things go well, he'll be the closest thing I'll have to a straight male friend.
Working in retail has made me realize my dissatisfaction with my body. Sure, I always said that I want to be more fit and physically attractive, but nothing really pushed me forward other than some hopeful fantasy of having flat abs. Not even a six pack, I just want a flat stomach. Working in retail, especially in the city, I work alongside some of the best looking people. I think I look fat. I think that I am fat. It's not even just that... Compared to the others I work with, I just feel quite unattractive.
Brandon has a new boyfriend now as of yesterday. Good for him. I'm happy for him. How am I comparing it to my own single status? Let's admit it, we always compare our status to those of our past when things change for the better for them. Anyways, I'm satisfied with being single. Is it ideal? I honestly don't know, but it currently works for me. Perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship or perhaps no one has found me to be a good catch. Whatever the reason(s) may be, I'm single and I have myself to live for.
I can't believe that I'll be in Rome in just a little over three months. I don't think it will hit me until I've actually slept a night there and wake up the next morning; in a new place, new city, a new country. I account to the fact that I've been disappointed throughout my life for the things I always felt passionate about. For some reason, there's still this doubt in the back of my head that I'll be living in Rome, Italy in just three months. At the same time, though, I am excited. Who knows what sort of transformations I will go through while I'm there. Perhaps I'll truly find myself in the midst of a foreign world.
I'm currently going to school for psychology and advertisement/PR. I also currently work in retail. In the past week, I've realized how much of a slacker/failure I've been. Sure, I have a job and school on my plate, which can be overwhelming, but at the same time I feel as if I've been pretty relaxed about everything; I don't believe that I've stayed ahead of the game. I'm falling behind in certain things, but staying afloat has kept me ignorant of how much I'm struggling to do so. There's still so much space for effort, yet I've not applied myself. I'm coming to this realization and it makes me feel ashamed of myself a little. This isn't necessarily a bad thing since it has made me realize that I do care. I just have to act upon that concern.
I love my retail job. The people I work with (for the most part) are very friendly and welcoming. Sure, there are those that are pretentious and could not be bothered to even say hello or give a cordial smile, whatever. That's their problem. As long as they're satisfied with their lives and personality, that's cool. I'll stick with the people who I can smile and laugh with. The job can get overwhelming at times since it's technically my first serious retail job and basically everyone I work with has had a few months to a few years of retail experience. Whatever, I got the job for some reason, right? I deserved it. I think I'm getting the hang of it.
There's a boy at work that I've become close with. I think he's someone I can call a friend. The first time I ever met him, I knew that I was attracted to him. Sexually? Perhaps a bit. Although, I think that my attraction leans more towards wanting to get to know him, an intimate attraction per se. He has these beautiful azure eyes speckled with hints of green and hazel. He's good looking and everyone knows it. The first time we ever met, he opened up to me. It caught me off guard, but in a good way. Yes, I'm attracted to him and he has been very open to being my friend. However, he's straight. I can't act upon my attraction. It hurts a bit to know that I want something I cannot have and it's right in front of me. Perhaps it's obvious, to him or to anyone else, that I am attracted to him. But it's something I can never admit outside of myself. I don't want to ruin what he and I possibly have. If things go well, he'll be the closest thing I'll have to a straight male friend.
Working in retail has made me realize my dissatisfaction with my body. Sure, I always said that I want to be more fit and physically attractive, but nothing really pushed me forward other than some hopeful fantasy of having flat abs. Not even a six pack, I just want a flat stomach. Working in retail, especially in the city, I work alongside some of the best looking people. I think I look fat. I think that I am fat. It's not even just that... Compared to the others I work with, I just feel quite unattractive.
Brandon has a new boyfriend now as of yesterday. Good for him. I'm happy for him. How am I comparing it to my own single status? Let's admit it, we always compare our status to those of our past when things change for the better for them. Anyways, I'm satisfied with being single. Is it ideal? I honestly don't know, but it currently works for me. Perhaps I'm not ready for a relationship or perhaps no one has found me to be a good catch. Whatever the reason(s) may be, I'm single and I have myself to live for.
I can't believe that I'll be in Rome in just a little over three months. I don't think it will hit me until I've actually slept a night there and wake up the next morning; in a new place, new city, a new country. I account to the fact that I've been disappointed throughout my life for the things I always felt passionate about. For some reason, there's still this doubt in the back of my head that I'll be living in Rome, Italy in just three months. At the same time, though, I am excited. Who knows what sort of transformations I will go through while I'm there. Perhaps I'll truly find myself in the midst of a foreign world.
Tuesday, September 13, 2011
I'm Sick
To start off, I just want to tell you that I never get sick. Never, ever, ever, ever... Well, close to never at least (considering what's happening to me now). I never get sick during cold/flu season and I never get sick even when working/living close to someone who is sick.
For some reason, I've started to get symptoms in the past few days. It started out with an itchy throat, then a little sinus pressure. This morning, I woke up with the feeling that my throat was really really dry and my sinuses felt like they had 2-3 pounds of pressure pushing on them. Now, I also feel as if my eyes want to pop out and the back of my neck feels really strained. I've never experienced cold symptoms like this since I was like 9 years old, when it would hurt to even turn my eyes side to side.
Usually, when I do feel a cold coming along, it would just be the sniffles and it'd be gone a few days later. This, however, feels much worse. Why is this happening to me?
Oh yea. Forgot, I'm a college student. I wake up for school at 6am every morning, then head to work until 11pm. I usually don't get home til midnight... Now repeat that 4-5 times a week. I'm not stressed, just tired. Oh so tired. The McDonald's breakfast every morning and a can of Monster energy drink every night I work probably aren't good ideas either.
For some reason, I've started to get symptoms in the past few days. It started out with an itchy throat, then a little sinus pressure. This morning, I woke up with the feeling that my throat was really really dry and my sinuses felt like they had 2-3 pounds of pressure pushing on them. Now, I also feel as if my eyes want to pop out and the back of my neck feels really strained. I've never experienced cold symptoms like this since I was like 9 years old, when it would hurt to even turn my eyes side to side.
Usually, when I do feel a cold coming along, it would just be the sniffles and it'd be gone a few days later. This, however, feels much worse. Why is this happening to me?
Oh yea. Forgot, I'm a college student. I wake up for school at 6am every morning, then head to work until 11pm. I usually don't get home til midnight... Now repeat that 4-5 times a week. I'm not stressed, just tired. Oh so tired. The McDonald's breakfast every morning and a can of Monster energy drink every night I work probably aren't good ideas either.
Monday, September 12, 2011
Untitled
Sometimes, crying myself to sleep is the only thing that helps me sleep, instead of staying awake with sadness.
Friday, September 9, 2011
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)