I want to start working out. I want to have a body and self-image I can be proud of. I want to be healthier, feel better physically, emotionally, and cognitively. I want to finally accept my friends' invites to go to the beach. I want to put myself into that perpetuating cycle of taking care of my body/overall-self because it makes me feel good, and where feeling good makes me want to do it even more...
The problem is that I don't know where to start. I don't know what to do to get things started. I want to have a plan, but I don't even know how to develop a plan that would be challenging, but not discouraging. I'm also afraid of looking stupid because honestly, 85% of the challenge for me is the self-doubt I have in succeeding.
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Tuesday, June 7, 2011
Word Vomit
Where have I gone? i don't really know. Why did I stop writing? I guess to get away from myself. Or perhaps from the self I thought I was and no longer wish to be. I stopped writing because it kind of bothered me. I lost my muse. I lost all feelings to write. I didn't stop writing for my sake but for the sake of writing: for the sake of undeserved words, meaningless words, pretentious words, all words. I wanted to get away because I was doing nothing more than holding up a facade. What I wrote, I assumed to feel, but never truly felt with the blisters and bruising of emotion. All that I wrote were speculations and assumptions of what I thought I felt or should have felt. I still feel the presence of these speculations, these hints of emotions, but their strength have faded. Now, life has fallen dull and I no longer feel the desire to write. I have no desire to write until I find my identity once again. I need to find that person with a heart that loves, aches, and hungers for life. That person has fled and all that is left is a shadow. A shadow that thinks of feelings, but no longer feels them. I can longer write until such a person returns. I have hope that such a person will return when the times comes, whenever that may be. Until then, perhaps these words deserve to be kept in reservation.
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