I just woke up. I had another dream about B. I always believed that my dreams always meant something. My unconscious mind trying to tell my conscious self something? Precognition? Clarity brought on by the automatic reorganization of the mind when one sleeps? I don't know. I just know that my dreams have always meant something. Some people might say that in retrospect, dreams might seem profound because we make the connections between the concrete reality and the ambiguous dreams... The thing is, my dreams have always been so specific, but still symbolic that it's hard to believe that I'm just making connections where I "believe" I see them.
Anyways, this dream... I was meeting up with B. in some mall. We had reconciled our differences and it seemed as if we had started getting along. We were being affectionate with one another in public and I was happy. I was happy, but it seemed as if I was happy on my own. Sure, I was content with being with him in the dream, talking, laughing, holding hands... But I felt no significant difference between those direct, intimate interactions. I felt the same whether I was holding his hand or not. Also, close to the end of the dream, I realized that I had skipped a whole day of classes. I was shocked and a little upset about forgetting my classes, but I tried to tell myself that it's okay. I told myself that it was okay to skip class because I was with B.
What did this dream mean? Is my unconscious mind, heart, or whatever showing me how I really feel about B. and how I've always felt for him? In reality, did I just convince myself that I had developed intimate feelings for him because I saw him moving on with somebody else, whereas I find myself standing where we parted ways? With skipping a whole day's worth of classes to be with him, is it symbolic of the fact that I'm sacrificing (too much of) myself in order to be with this man I might not have intimate feelings for?
Who knows? At the moment, this is the most logical explanation. On the other hand, there's nothing logical about dreams... right?
Monday, February 28, 2011
Friday, February 25, 2011
A New Dawn
It's been over week since I've written. Frankly, I just haven't had the energy to actually manifest the things I've felt and thought into words that others could understand. For the past week or so, I would think about writing, but I found myself unable to act on it. I believe that I just needed some time to get get away... some time to escape from analyzing and admitting to what I've been feeling and thinking. To write means to become fully cognizant of what I feel, believe, and think; that is what writing means to me and I just had to stop before I sank myself too deep into my emotions.
I compare the past week or so to the progression of the day from dawn to morning. For the past week, I felt as if I had woken up too early in the day and the sun had yet risen. Dawn, that time in the day when everything around you is still encased in darkness, everything is silent, still, and it's too cold to get out of bed; that is how the world has felt for me in the past week or so. I found myself separated from the rest of the world as I looked out from the warmth and certainty of my figurative bed. I detached myself from the world because it was just too much for me to handle. It was just too sad.
Fortunately, recently, things have gotten better. I've surrounded myself with friends that have been showing me a better, more optimistic perspective on life. My friend A., especially, recently showed me that the world isn't necessarily the enemy nor is it the bearer of misfortune. It's interesting that she's come across her fair share of heartache, betrayal, and sorrows, yet she can still smile back at the world. Previously, I was only aware of my perspective of the world (cold, selfish, manipulative, and perhaps even menacing) and those that shared the same view. What I solely knew was what I considered to be a universal truth; I knew no better. After my conversation with A., she made me realize that the way I saw the world was not as objective of a view as I previously thought. She made me realize that it's not the world that hurts us, but ourselves. It reminds me of the psychology term "self-fulfilling prophecy". We see ourselves being hurt and betrayed, therefore we unwittingly put ourselves on the path of being hurt and betrayed.
Sure, there are those that intentionally hurt us, but it's how we see the experience that matters. To be deliberately hurt for reasons far from justified reason, or the lack of any reason at all, can be painful, but the pain is only temporary. What is long-lasting, perhaps even permanent, is what we take from it. Do we fight back? Do we hold a grudge? Or do we move on, decide that we were the better person in the given situation(s), and live our lives free from the weight of scorn?
I've lived far too long holding my fists in front of me. Frankly, I feel as if being on the defensive for so long has kept me from truly living. I want to let the world in: the pain, the happiness, the sorrow, the bliss. Whatever happens, as long as I make sure that I did the best I can to live virtuously, compassionately, and lovingly, I can tell myself that my life was worthwhile.
The best I can do and should do is open my heart. The rest is left for the world to decide.
I compare the past week or so to the progression of the day from dawn to morning. For the past week, I felt as if I had woken up too early in the day and the sun had yet risen. Dawn, that time in the day when everything around you is still encased in darkness, everything is silent, still, and it's too cold to get out of bed; that is how the world has felt for me in the past week or so. I found myself separated from the rest of the world as I looked out from the warmth and certainty of my figurative bed. I detached myself from the world because it was just too much for me to handle. It was just too sad.
Fortunately, recently, things have gotten better. I've surrounded myself with friends that have been showing me a better, more optimistic perspective on life. My friend A., especially, recently showed me that the world isn't necessarily the enemy nor is it the bearer of misfortune. It's interesting that she's come across her fair share of heartache, betrayal, and sorrows, yet she can still smile back at the world. Previously, I was only aware of my perspective of the world (cold, selfish, manipulative, and perhaps even menacing) and those that shared the same view. What I solely knew was what I considered to be a universal truth; I knew no better. After my conversation with A., she made me realize that the way I saw the world was not as objective of a view as I previously thought. She made me realize that it's not the world that hurts us, but ourselves. It reminds me of the psychology term "self-fulfilling prophecy". We see ourselves being hurt and betrayed, therefore we unwittingly put ourselves on the path of being hurt and betrayed.
Sure, there are those that intentionally hurt us, but it's how we see the experience that matters. To be deliberately hurt for reasons far from justified reason, or the lack of any reason at all, can be painful, but the pain is only temporary. What is long-lasting, perhaps even permanent, is what we take from it. Do we fight back? Do we hold a grudge? Or do we move on, decide that we were the better person in the given situation(s), and live our lives free from the weight of scorn?
I've lived far too long holding my fists in front of me. Frankly, I feel as if being on the defensive for so long has kept me from truly living. I want to let the world in: the pain, the happiness, the sorrow, the bliss. Whatever happens, as long as I make sure that I did the best I can to live virtuously, compassionately, and lovingly, I can tell myself that my life was worthwhile.
The best I can do and should do is open my heart. The rest is left for the world to decide.
Monday, February 14, 2011
I Still Believe in Love
So here it is, Valentine's Day... Is it odd that it's my favorite day of the year, more so than my own birthday? Considering my history with "Love" and the men that followed, most would expect me to have become jaded, cynical, and/or repulsed by the though of love or Valentine's Day. The surprising part is that I, myself, thought that I would turn into that person... but I didn't. Just like Carrie Bradshaw from Sex and the City, no matter how many times I have been hurt, I still believe and wait for what Carrie described as, "Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."
Some of my friends and a few others have expressed their opposition towards Valentine's Day. They say that it's a Hallmark holiday, where corporate America feeds on love-struck, perhaps even dumb-struck, people. I don't agree, of course. Personally, it really depends on the individuals and/or couples as to whether Valentine's Day has any value to them. It's like someone's birthday; it's like any other day of the year, yet it is significant to many because they believe it to be their day. Sure, many out of the six billion or so people in the world were also born on that particular day, yet it's still special to many of us because we want it to be. It gives us a sense of meaning and identity. It's a day we subjectively give significance to and basically tell those within our own little microsystem of the world that we are here, we exist, we grow, and we live.
No matter what, I still believe in love. Romantic, shameless, unreasonable, intensely dizzying love.
Anyways, here I am, writing a blog post in a Starbucks in the middle of the "gayborhood" in Chicago. It has gotten relatively warmer, the snow is melting, the sky has cleared with a hue of robin's egg blue, and the sun is shining. It's quite unusual for a February day in Chicago. Nonetheless, it makes me happy. Even though it's Valentine's Day and I don't have a Valentine, I think it would've been unwise to stay at my apartment and hide from the good weather in an attempt to avoid being the single individual in public. In a sense, I should embrace this day. I should take my individuality, hold it in front of me, and love it. Basically, I should be my own Valentine and embrace it. I love Valentine's Day because it reminds me of who I am and what I believe to be the core of all my convictions: Love.
No matter what I've been through in the (recent) past concerning love and men, I haven't given up. I still believe in love. I still write love letters in order to convey my feelings for another. I still believe in doing special things whenever I get the chance (however big or small the deed may be) for that one special person. I believe that love would/should never make one feel limited, constricted, or deprived of the live he/she dreamed of. I believe that love should complement one's individual life, not replace it. Sure, I've become more cautious when falling love, but that hopeless-romantic part of me still thrives... I'm just patiently waiting for that one special individual I can present it to.
We meet three loves in the world: ourselves, the world, and that one person who can love us just as much as we love ourselves. We must love ourselves enough to never lose hope.
Some of my friends and a few others have expressed their opposition towards Valentine's Day. They say that it's a Hallmark holiday, where corporate America feeds on love-struck, perhaps even dumb-struck, people. I don't agree, of course. Personally, it really depends on the individuals and/or couples as to whether Valentine's Day has any value to them. It's like someone's birthday; it's like any other day of the year, yet it is significant to many because they believe it to be their day. Sure, many out of the six billion or so people in the world were also born on that particular day, yet it's still special to many of us because we want it to be. It gives us a sense of meaning and identity. It's a day we subjectively give significance to and basically tell those within our own little microsystem of the world that we are here, we exist, we grow, and we live.
No matter what, I still believe in love. Romantic, shameless, unreasonable, intensely dizzying love.
Anyways, here I am, writing a blog post in a Starbucks in the middle of the "gayborhood" in Chicago. It has gotten relatively warmer, the snow is melting, the sky has cleared with a hue of robin's egg blue, and the sun is shining. It's quite unusual for a February day in Chicago. Nonetheless, it makes me happy. Even though it's Valentine's Day and I don't have a Valentine, I think it would've been unwise to stay at my apartment and hide from the good weather in an attempt to avoid being the single individual in public. In a sense, I should embrace this day. I should take my individuality, hold it in front of me, and love it. Basically, I should be my own Valentine and embrace it. I love Valentine's Day because it reminds me of who I am and what I believe to be the core of all my convictions: Love.
No matter what I've been through in the (recent) past concerning love and men, I haven't given up. I still believe in love. I still write love letters in order to convey my feelings for another. I still believe in doing special things whenever I get the chance (however big or small the deed may be) for that one special person. I believe that love would/should never make one feel limited, constricted, or deprived of the live he/she dreamed of. I believe that love should complement one's individual life, not replace it. Sure, I've become more cautious when falling love, but that hopeless-romantic part of me still thrives... I'm just patiently waiting for that one special individual I can present it to.
We meet three loves in the world: ourselves, the world, and that one person who can love us just as much as we love ourselves. We must love ourselves enough to never lose hope.
Friday, February 11, 2011
You Don't Deserve Me.
You are beautiful to me. You were once kind, gentle, and caring. You comforted me when I felt alone. You gave me affection when no one else could or would... But you don't deserve me.
Here I am, offering myself to you, but you don't want to listen. I've traveled into unknown territory just to hand you my love. You didn't seem to care. You couldn't understand how much you meant to me then and you still don't comprehend. In words and in actions I tried to give you my love and affection. I made myself vulnerable to you... I degraded myself and offered you my dignity.
I once hurt you because I told you the truth. I did not love you when you first professed love and I told you. It hurt you to hear the truth. You cried because I was honest. You wanted me to lie. You wanted me to give you what I did not have. You despise me, you hate me, you hold a grudge against me because I told you what I knew then as the truth. I did not lie to you. I did not deceive you. I told you the truth and for that you see me as your enemy... For that, you don't deserve me.
I love you. You don't seem to care. You believe that I deserve to suffer like you did. You want to hurt me like how you hurt. Please remember, it was the situation that hurt you, not me. Here we are, here I am, professing my love to you. All you can think about is how to serve me what you think I deserve. You cried, but not for me. You cried because you could not get what I could not give. You did not love me, you loved the thought of being loved by me.
One thing is certain, dear, you don't deserve any part of me.
Love knows no hate. Love does not associate with Regret. Love hopes, but never expects. I know that I love you. Even though you deny me, I hold no grudge. I don't regret anything I've done to show you my love. I don't expect you to still feel the same for me, all I can do is hope for the best.
I wish I could make the world a better place for you. I wish I could fix all of your problems. I wish I could take every blow the world has given you, but all that I can offer is myself. It seems as if it's no longer good enough... If you think I'm not good enough for you, then you don't deserve me... I deserve better. I deserve to be loved as much as I loved you.
You may be better looking than me. Everyone may not notice me like they do you. Some days I feel lonely. Some moments I feel inferior. But I know that I deserve more than what you've given me. I don't deserve to be put on my knees to beg, but you let me. You don't deserve me or the love I can give, but I still offer it to you.
Every moment at the moment is occupied by you. I showed you the secrets to my heart, but you didn't understand. You want me to feel the pain and jealousy you felt. That will never happen. You hold a grudge against me because you regret the love you professed for me. I don't regret what I've done to prove myself to you. I don't feel deceived, tricked, or swindled. I don't have the desire to make you suffer what you're doing to me. All I offer is my love and I don't expect anything from you.
I willingly give you my love and only that. From me, that is all you will ever receive. You don't deserve my love, but it's something I'm willing to give. Just please remember dear, you never deserved me.
Here I am, offering myself to you, but you don't want to listen. I've traveled into unknown territory just to hand you my love. You didn't seem to care. You couldn't understand how much you meant to me then and you still don't comprehend. In words and in actions I tried to give you my love and affection. I made myself vulnerable to you... I degraded myself and offered you my dignity.
I once hurt you because I told you the truth. I did not love you when you first professed love and I told you. It hurt you to hear the truth. You cried because I was honest. You wanted me to lie. You wanted me to give you what I did not have. You despise me, you hate me, you hold a grudge against me because I told you what I knew then as the truth. I did not lie to you. I did not deceive you. I told you the truth and for that you see me as your enemy... For that, you don't deserve me.
I love you. You don't seem to care. You believe that I deserve to suffer like you did. You want to hurt me like how you hurt. Please remember, it was the situation that hurt you, not me. Here we are, here I am, professing my love to you. All you can think about is how to serve me what you think I deserve. You cried, but not for me. You cried because you could not get what I could not give. You did not love me, you loved the thought of being loved by me.
One thing is certain, dear, you don't deserve any part of me.
Love knows no hate. Love does not associate with Regret. Love hopes, but never expects. I know that I love you. Even though you deny me, I hold no grudge. I don't regret anything I've done to show you my love. I don't expect you to still feel the same for me, all I can do is hope for the best.
I wish I could make the world a better place for you. I wish I could fix all of your problems. I wish I could take every blow the world has given you, but all that I can offer is myself. It seems as if it's no longer good enough... If you think I'm not good enough for you, then you don't deserve me... I deserve better. I deserve to be loved as much as I loved you.
You may be better looking than me. Everyone may not notice me like they do you. Some days I feel lonely. Some moments I feel inferior. But I know that I deserve more than what you've given me. I don't deserve to be put on my knees to beg, but you let me. You don't deserve me or the love I can give, but I still offer it to you.
Every moment at the moment is occupied by you. I showed you the secrets to my heart, but you didn't understand. You want me to feel the pain and jealousy you felt. That will never happen. You hold a grudge against me because you regret the love you professed for me. I don't regret what I've done to prove myself to you. I don't feel deceived, tricked, or swindled. I don't have the desire to make you suffer what you're doing to me. All I offer is my love and I don't expect anything from you.
I willingly give you my love and only that. From me, that is all you will ever receive. You don't deserve my love, but it's something I'm willing to give. Just please remember dear, you never deserved me.
Saturday, February 5, 2011
A Love Letter I Cannot Send
Dear B.,
I know that you don't want to speak to me right now, but I really wish I could. I feel as if you are purposely avoiding me... Perhaps you are, I don't know, but I know that it was never like this between us. Even when things got rough, we always returned to the way we were. We were always able to move on... together.
I know that I have hurt you and it seemed as if I was never there for you; I'm sorry. I want you to know that you have always been special to me. I never realized how special, but now that I have to resist the temptation to contact you, it has become more evident how much you have always meant to me. I felt secure and safe just knowing that you were always there for me. I felt happy to simply know that you were there, thinking of me, even when words did not pass between us.
I don't know where things went wrong. I know that in the past few weeks ever since the last time I saw you in person things have become strained between us. I picked fights with you. I antagonized you. I honestly didn't know how to approach you and tell you how I felt. For me, to show affection, to tell someone you love them and care for them, is a frightening experience because I lose a sense of control. I know it's no excuse, but when I picked petty fights with you I was trying to let you know, "Hey, I'm right here. Please, pay attention to me because all my attention has been on you...I need you." I once indirectly told you how little boys pick on the girls they had crushes on; it was my indirect confession to you that I finally started to realize my feelings for you.
I don't know what happened or when it started, but it seems as if everything happened all too quickly. A few weeks ago, we laughed, we joked, we planned to see each other again. I didn't want to tell you, and now I regret not telling you before all this had happened, but I planned to reintroduce you to all my friends the next time you would have to visited. I didn't want to introduce you as just another friend, but someone much more special. I wanted it to be a beginning for us. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to expect or to hope for too much... but I still did hope.
I wish you would give me a chance. I wish you would talk to me. Hear me out. I want to know what's happening on your side of the world and what's happening between us. I want to understand you. I don't understand why we can't speak to one another. So many things have happened in the past seven to eight months since we've known each other, but it never broke us. It seems as if something unknown to me, something that I am not aware of, happened suddenly. I want to know what it was. I want to help fix whatever it is that has broken between us.
You said that there's another boy. You said that you two started dating within the past two weeks. Why didn't you tell me? Were you aware or even suspect my feelings for you? Did you ever feel my growing need for your attention and affection? I want you to give me another chance. If not a chance to see what can grow between us, at least a chance for us to talk things through and close things with the least heartache for both of us. God, if I could just have one thing, I just want to be in your embrace again. You said that I should just blame you for everything and/or that you hurt me. The thing is, no matter how much you may have truly hurt me or caused me discomfort, it doesn't matter to me, I just want you to be by my side again.
I know that at this point you may look down upon me or no longer hold me to a high-esteem... I know that it's not good form to show such a weakness, for me to be at the point of almost begging. This is what I always feared, to lose myself to my emotions. But I don't regret it. As much as it may hurt or frustrate me, I am thankful to have these feelings for you. It has reminded me that I can still love and cherish the presence of another. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to or want to. I was scared. But here I am, opening myself up to you, willing to show you all my secrets, my vulnerabilities, and myself...
I want to believe that you really did love me. I want to believe that all those times you came to city to see me meant something. I want to believe that you walked that whole night with me because you cared for me. I want to believe that when you reached for my hand that summer day it meant something. I want to believe that you felt something for me whenever I pulled your arm around me, when I fell asleep on your lap or shoulder, and when we kissed. When you sat there with me outside of my classroom, I felt happy. I felt content just sitting right beside you, as my equal, as my companion, as someone I could potentially be with.
Perhaps you're avoiding me because you don't want to deal with the emotions within yourself that are associated with me. Perhaps you don't want to face them because you don't know how it would affect what you're currently developing with the other guy, but can you deny it... can you deny that there is something still there for me, within your heart? If there is still love or affection for me still lingering in your heart, please don't deny it or disregard it. I know that it hurt to love me and not receive the same from me. I was scared and not ready at that point in my life, but I am ready. I am ready, willing, and wanting to see where things could go with you. I want to believe that things could still work between us. Perhaps I cause(d) you discontent and heartache... Whatever it may be, I want to quell your fears.
I want to be here for you. I want to be with you.
I miss you. Please, can we please see things through?
Kenneth C.
I know that you don't want to speak to me right now, but I really wish I could. I feel as if you are purposely avoiding me... Perhaps you are, I don't know, but I know that it was never like this between us. Even when things got rough, we always returned to the way we were. We were always able to move on... together.
I know that I have hurt you and it seemed as if I was never there for you; I'm sorry. I want you to know that you have always been special to me. I never realized how special, but now that I have to resist the temptation to contact you, it has become more evident how much you have always meant to me. I felt secure and safe just knowing that you were always there for me. I felt happy to simply know that you were there, thinking of me, even when words did not pass between us.
I don't know where things went wrong. I know that in the past few weeks ever since the last time I saw you in person things have become strained between us. I picked fights with you. I antagonized you. I honestly didn't know how to approach you and tell you how I felt. For me, to show affection, to tell someone you love them and care for them, is a frightening experience because I lose a sense of control. I know it's no excuse, but when I picked petty fights with you I was trying to let you know, "Hey, I'm right here. Please, pay attention to me because all my attention has been on you...I need you." I once indirectly told you how little boys pick on the girls they had crushes on; it was my indirect confession to you that I finally started to realize my feelings for you.
I don't know what happened or when it started, but it seems as if everything happened all too quickly. A few weeks ago, we laughed, we joked, we planned to see each other again. I didn't want to tell you, and now I regret not telling you before all this had happened, but I planned to reintroduce you to all my friends the next time you would have to visited. I didn't want to introduce you as just another friend, but someone much more special. I wanted it to be a beginning for us. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to expect or to hope for too much... but I still did hope.
I wish you would give me a chance. I wish you would talk to me. Hear me out. I want to know what's happening on your side of the world and what's happening between us. I want to understand you. I don't understand why we can't speak to one another. So many things have happened in the past seven to eight months since we've known each other, but it never broke us. It seems as if something unknown to me, something that I am not aware of, happened suddenly. I want to know what it was. I want to help fix whatever it is that has broken between us.
You said that there's another boy. You said that you two started dating within the past two weeks. Why didn't you tell me? Were you aware or even suspect my feelings for you? Did you ever feel my growing need for your attention and affection? I want you to give me another chance. If not a chance to see what can grow between us, at least a chance for us to talk things through and close things with the least heartache for both of us. God, if I could just have one thing, I just want to be in your embrace again. You said that I should just blame you for everything and/or that you hurt me. The thing is, no matter how much you may have truly hurt me or caused me discomfort, it doesn't matter to me, I just want you to be by my side again.
I know that at this point you may look down upon me or no longer hold me to a high-esteem... I know that it's not good form to show such a weakness, for me to be at the point of almost begging. This is what I always feared, to lose myself to my emotions. But I don't regret it. As much as it may hurt or frustrate me, I am thankful to have these feelings for you. It has reminded me that I can still love and cherish the presence of another. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to or want to. I was scared. But here I am, opening myself up to you, willing to show you all my secrets, my vulnerabilities, and myself...
I want to believe that you really did love me. I want to believe that all those times you came to city to see me meant something. I want to believe that you walked that whole night with me because you cared for me. I want to believe that when you reached for my hand that summer day it meant something. I want to believe that you felt something for me whenever I pulled your arm around me, when I fell asleep on your lap or shoulder, and when we kissed. When you sat there with me outside of my classroom, I felt happy. I felt content just sitting right beside you, as my equal, as my companion, as someone I could potentially be with.
Perhaps you're avoiding me because you don't want to deal with the emotions within yourself that are associated with me. Perhaps you don't want to face them because you don't know how it would affect what you're currently developing with the other guy, but can you deny it... can you deny that there is something still there for me, within your heart? If there is still love or affection for me still lingering in your heart, please don't deny it or disregard it. I know that it hurt to love me and not receive the same from me. I was scared and not ready at that point in my life, but I am ready. I am ready, willing, and wanting to see where things could go with you. I want to believe that things could still work between us. Perhaps I cause(d) you discontent and heartache... Whatever it may be, I want to quell your fears.
I want to be here for you. I want to be with you.
I miss you. Please, can we please see things through?
Kenneth C.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Eros and Mnemosyne
I told myself that I wouldn't let it happen again, but I unknowingly did. I didn't realize it until it had already happened and it was suddenly out of my hands. Now, I find myself in the same situation with B. In the recent past, I had the chance to be with someone, someone who could have been special, but a part of me didn't feel ready at that point... Now, when I am emotionally ready to commit myself and see where a relationship could go, B. seems to have started moving on. After things started falling through, B. expressed his fear and uncertainty with seeing me again. He expressed fear towards how he would emotionally respond to being physically near me. In a sense, I believe that he fears the possibility that the feelings he still holds for me would resurface.
It hurts to have someone that you've come to care for suddenly disappear. It's difficult to cope with the idea that you loved and cared for someone, but it wasn't clear until they were gone. In a sense, it's kind of like death; you take for granted the presence of an individual in your life, but once they're gone you realize how much more you love(d) and cherish(ed) them. At times, we are so selfish and we become so frustrated because we want that person to acknowledge how we feel... perhaps to even reciprocate how we feel for them. We fail to realize that they are their own person and we can only do so much. We can love someone so much, but when we don't receive the same sort or amount of love we can feel cheated, used, or unwanted. That's the thing about love though, you only have control over how much love you want to give to those around you, but you have no say or control over how much love you would receive in return. We have to keep in mind that to love someone is to care for a person without expecting anything in return. Nonetheless, even though I am cognizant of how to logically approach love, there is still a tinge of pain when I realize how lonely I am.
I talked to my friend Jamie about my situation with B. and something she said struck me. She said, "...when you let go of someone you know isn't right for you, it's often easy to feel regretful when you see them moving forward and things haven't necessarily changed for you." Did I truly believe that B. wasn't the right one for me? I often said how he was too nice, too naive, too passive, yet I know for a fact that whenever I did verbalize such thoughts, it seemed as if I was just making excuses. When I would exclaim how he was too nice or too passive for me, at that same moment I knew that I didn't believe what had just come out of my mouth. Instead, it seemed as if I repeatedly verbalized such thoughts in an attempt to convince myself of what I was saying. I couldn't convince myself. I knew myself too well to even deceive my own heart. The truth is, the things I saw as faults in him were a reflection of me. I kept saying that I couldn't let myself fall in love or enter a relationship because I wanted to seem independent, strong-willed, ambitious. On the contrary, I've realized that the things I wanted to convince myself as being his faults were traits that we shared, traits that I saw to be my own weaknesses, not his.
At this point, I don't really think there is anything else I can do. The only thing I can do at the moment is sit tight and hope for the best.
It's interesting though how today reminds me of a day he and I shared. Currently, as the sunlight filters through the venetian blinds and a slightly crisp Winter breeze comes through my window, it reminds me of that summer afternoon when B. first told me he loved me. I took him to the one place where I always went to think. We sat under the shade of two trees; the sky was clear, and a slight summer breeze flowed along the lake. The breeze sifted through the branches and leaves making the sunlight that filtered through almost twinkle, fade, and glow in a sense. I sat there looking at his hand as he confessed his feelings to me. All along, I knew that it was the purpose of his visit, but when I was finally confronted by this man's feelings toward me, it was such an intense, raw, and unexpected feeling. I told him that I didn't want to enter into a relationship because I wanted to stand on my own two feet and see the world as an independent individual. However, deep inside I knew that I didn't completely believe what I was saying. I didn't know what to say. I never had anyone profess love to me before him. Ever.
Once he said his piece and I said mine, I suggested that he should take a look at what I called the "love rocks" that lined the lake and lagoon. He got up and he walked to the edge of the lagoon and walked amongst the rocks I often sat on to secretly cry, think, and reflect many times before. I watched him as he stood there looking towards the indistinguishable horizon, where the cerulean blue lake and azure sky blurred into one. He stood there facing away from me and I watched him. I silently sat under the shade of the tree and watched him standing so tall, quiet, and serene. There was a specific moment when I just looked at the leaves rustling and scattering the rays of light that could reach me and simply thinking, "I'll always remember this day. I'll always remember this moment."
At that point in time, I did not feel the same way or love him the way he had professed to me, but at that same moment, as I watched him standing where I used to spend several sunrises sitting and wondering when love would come for me, my own feelings for him unknowingly came to be.
It hurts to have someone that you've come to care for suddenly disappear. It's difficult to cope with the idea that you loved and cared for someone, but it wasn't clear until they were gone. In a sense, it's kind of like death; you take for granted the presence of an individual in your life, but once they're gone you realize how much more you love(d) and cherish(ed) them. At times, we are so selfish and we become so frustrated because we want that person to acknowledge how we feel... perhaps to even reciprocate how we feel for them. We fail to realize that they are their own person and we can only do so much. We can love someone so much, but when we don't receive the same sort or amount of love we can feel cheated, used, or unwanted. That's the thing about love though, you only have control over how much love you want to give to those around you, but you have no say or control over how much love you would receive in return. We have to keep in mind that to love someone is to care for a person without expecting anything in return. Nonetheless, even though I am cognizant of how to logically approach love, there is still a tinge of pain when I realize how lonely I am.
I talked to my friend Jamie about my situation with B. and something she said struck me. She said, "...when you let go of someone you know isn't right for you, it's often easy to feel regretful when you see them moving forward and things haven't necessarily changed for you." Did I truly believe that B. wasn't the right one for me? I often said how he was too nice, too naive, too passive, yet I know for a fact that whenever I did verbalize such thoughts, it seemed as if I was just making excuses. When I would exclaim how he was too nice or too passive for me, at that same moment I knew that I didn't believe what had just come out of my mouth. Instead, it seemed as if I repeatedly verbalized such thoughts in an attempt to convince myself of what I was saying. I couldn't convince myself. I knew myself too well to even deceive my own heart. The truth is, the things I saw as faults in him were a reflection of me. I kept saying that I couldn't let myself fall in love or enter a relationship because I wanted to seem independent, strong-willed, ambitious. On the contrary, I've realized that the things I wanted to convince myself as being his faults were traits that we shared, traits that I saw to be my own weaknesses, not his.
At this point, I don't really think there is anything else I can do. The only thing I can do at the moment is sit tight and hope for the best.It's interesting though how today reminds me of a day he and I shared. Currently, as the sunlight filters through the venetian blinds and a slightly crisp Winter breeze comes through my window, it reminds me of that summer afternoon when B. first told me he loved me. I took him to the one place where I always went to think. We sat under the shade of two trees; the sky was clear, and a slight summer breeze flowed along the lake. The breeze sifted through the branches and leaves making the sunlight that filtered through almost twinkle, fade, and glow in a sense. I sat there looking at his hand as he confessed his feelings to me. All along, I knew that it was the purpose of his visit, but when I was finally confronted by this man's feelings toward me, it was such an intense, raw, and unexpected feeling. I told him that I didn't want to enter into a relationship because I wanted to stand on my own two feet and see the world as an independent individual. However, deep inside I knew that I didn't completely believe what I was saying. I didn't know what to say. I never had anyone profess love to me before him. Ever.
Once he said his piece and I said mine, I suggested that he should take a look at what I called the "love rocks" that lined the lake and lagoon. He got up and he walked to the edge of the lagoon and walked amongst the rocks I often sat on to secretly cry, think, and reflect many times before. I watched him as he stood there looking towards the indistinguishable horizon, where the cerulean blue lake and azure sky blurred into one. He stood there facing away from me and I watched him. I silently sat under the shade of the tree and watched him standing so tall, quiet, and serene. There was a specific moment when I just looked at the leaves rustling and scattering the rays of light that could reach me and simply thinking, "I'll always remember this day. I'll always remember this moment."
At that point in time, I did not feel the same way or love him the way he had professed to me, but at that same moment, as I watched him standing where I used to spend several sunrises sitting and wondering when love would come for me, my own feelings for him unknowingly came to be.
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Going the Distance
This morning, I got up at 6am to get ready for the long journey ahead of me. I got onto the CTA train at 7:30am and got to the city at 8am. I got off of the wrong stop, unfortunately, so I had to hail a cab to take me to Ogilvie Station. Fortunately, I made it in time with ten minutes to spare in order to catch the Metra train.
Where was I going so early in the morning? I was going to see B.
In the past few days things have gotten quite tense between us. A week ago, I realized my own feelings for him. Suddenly, I found myself thinking of him and imagining myself with him. I realized that I had been thinking of him more and more since the last time I had seen him in person. I suddenly realized that I have unknowingly been harboring strong feelings for him. The next day, I told him how I felt about him. He responded by telling me that he had found someone else and that he needed to deal with a lot of things before he can talk to me about what was happening between us. Ever since then and up til a few nights ago, things had gotten worse. I started to feel antsy and restless with my feelings. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to completely understand how I felt. I wanted him to give me a chance.
He told me that he doesn't really know what he meant when he told me countless times that he loved me. At the same time, he told me that he just had to move on after spending countless months enduring unrequited love for me. I was confused at this point. What did he really feel? On one hand, he tells me that he spent months enduring love for me that I could not reciprocate. He told me that he didn't want to see me in person because he didn't trust himself with me (meaning he still had feelings for me and he was suppressing them). On the other hand, he tells me that he's unsure as to what he felt for me for the past five to six months; he doesn't know if it was love. I couldn't get a clear answer from him. Did he love me or did he not? I cannot move on without getting the answers I need. I felt disregarded, lied to, fooled. Things got so tense that he told me that he needed to be left alone because he was about to lose his temper.
A day passed and he never got back to me. Another day passed and still no word from him. Last night, I decided that I would go visit him. What brought this on? I'm not quite sure. I just knew that for me to find the answers I needed or to find some sort of closure, I had to do something. I couldn't just wait and let things happen without doing something, anything. I wanted the chance for him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth as to how he felt about me. Seeing him in person meant that he wouldn't be able to simplya disregard my questions, my desire for clarity, and perhaps his own feelings.
I got to his town around 10am. Once I got off the train, I called him. He didn't answer, so I left a message saying, "Hey it's Kenny... I was wondering if we could talk. I know that you're probably still sleeping, but I was wondering if we could talk even for just a little bit... Anyways, I'm in town right now, so if you're willing to, I'd like to see you in person and talk. My train back to the city won't arrive til 11am, so I hope to hear from you before then..." He called back sounding upset. He was upset about the fact that I came all the way from the city to talk to him. He kept asking me why I had come to his hometown, how I shouldn't have done it, there's nothing for us to talk about, he has nothing to say to me, and he has to deal with some things at the moment and he can't deal with me until then. At that point, I felt stupid, weak, and silly for going so far as landing myself in the middle of an unfamiliar town. I didn't know how to respond. I thought it was clear that I came to see him to talk and to just see him (I missed him), yet he kept on repeating, "Why are you here? Why did you come? You can't just come to my hometown." All I could really say was, "Ok. I understand. Ok. I'm sorry. I understand. I'll talk to you when you're ready."
Afterwards, I just sat for an hour in the Starbucks across the street from the Metra station waiting for the next train back to the city. Surprisingly, I wasn't distraught about how things ensued. I also didn't regret traveling all the way out there only for him to not be able to see me. I expected for him to not be able to meet up with me as the worst case scenario, so in a sense I was prepared for it. In a sense, I felt more at ease at that point than I had in the past few days. The fact that I actually did something, however absurd it may have been, gave me a sense of control over the things that were happening around me. Sure, things didn't go how I would've wanted them to, but I took solace in the fact that I did all that I could and left no uncertainties unturned.
What's going to happen next? I honestly don't know. An optimistic perspective would be that he'd hear me out and give me a chance. On the contrary, he can tell me that I no longer have a chance with him and it's best if we go our completely separate ways. I do have genuine feelings for him. I don't hold anything against him. In the beginning of this situation, I tried to be mad at him, blame him, even see the faults in him in order to make myself get over him. Frankly, I can't get mad at him, I can't blame him, and whatever his faults may be it doesn't matter to me. I love him. If it's unrequited, then there's nothing else I can do.
All I know is that I'll be all right. No matter what happens, I'll live. All I can be certain of is myself and my ability to love.
Where was I going so early in the morning? I was going to see B.
In the past few days things have gotten quite tense between us. A week ago, I realized my own feelings for him. Suddenly, I found myself thinking of him and imagining myself with him. I realized that I had been thinking of him more and more since the last time I had seen him in person. I suddenly realized that I have unknowingly been harboring strong feelings for him. The next day, I told him how I felt about him. He responded by telling me that he had found someone else and that he needed to deal with a lot of things before he can talk to me about what was happening between us. Ever since then and up til a few nights ago, things had gotten worse. I started to feel antsy and restless with my feelings. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to completely understand how I felt. I wanted him to give me a chance.
He told me that he doesn't really know what he meant when he told me countless times that he loved me. At the same time, he told me that he just had to move on after spending countless months enduring unrequited love for me. I was confused at this point. What did he really feel? On one hand, he tells me that he spent months enduring love for me that I could not reciprocate. He told me that he didn't want to see me in person because he didn't trust himself with me (meaning he still had feelings for me and he was suppressing them). On the other hand, he tells me that he's unsure as to what he felt for me for the past five to six months; he doesn't know if it was love. I couldn't get a clear answer from him. Did he love me or did he not? I cannot move on without getting the answers I need. I felt disregarded, lied to, fooled. Things got so tense that he told me that he needed to be left alone because he was about to lose his temper.
A day passed and he never got back to me. Another day passed and still no word from him. Last night, I decided that I would go visit him. What brought this on? I'm not quite sure. I just knew that for me to find the answers I needed or to find some sort of closure, I had to do something. I couldn't just wait and let things happen without doing something, anything. I wanted the chance for him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth as to how he felt about me. Seeing him in person meant that he wouldn't be able to simplya disregard my questions, my desire for clarity, and perhaps his own feelings.
 |
| My ticket home. |
Afterwards, I just sat for an hour in the Starbucks across the street from the Metra station waiting for the next train back to the city. Surprisingly, I wasn't distraught about how things ensued. I also didn't regret traveling all the way out there only for him to not be able to see me. I expected for him to not be able to meet up with me as the worst case scenario, so in a sense I was prepared for it. In a sense, I felt more at ease at that point than I had in the past few days. The fact that I actually did something, however absurd it may have been, gave me a sense of control over the things that were happening around me. Sure, things didn't go how I would've wanted them to, but I took solace in the fact that I did all that I could and left no uncertainties unturned.
What's going to happen next? I honestly don't know. An optimistic perspective would be that he'd hear me out and give me a chance. On the contrary, he can tell me that I no longer have a chance with him and it's best if we go our completely separate ways. I do have genuine feelings for him. I don't hold anything against him. In the beginning of this situation, I tried to be mad at him, blame him, even see the faults in him in order to make myself get over him. Frankly, I can't get mad at him, I can't blame him, and whatever his faults may be it doesn't matter to me. I love him. If it's unrequited, then there's nothing else I can do.
All I know is that I'll be all right. No matter what happens, I'll live. All I can be certain of is myself and my ability to love.
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Do You Know that Feeling?
Do you know that feeling? When your palms start sweating, yet a cold sensation begins to creep from your fingertips? Do you feel it as every joint on every limb quiver in weakness and anxiety? It slowly creeps and caresses, silently crawling on your skin. It creeps further, its hold grows stronger, colder, relentless; its claim on your sorrows begin. Your mind wanders from one thing to the next as it tries to flee the very thought and emotion resting in your chest...
Yes, right there, in there, in that deep cavern of flesh and bone, do you feel its weight? Do you feel your heart trembling in pain as some mysterious, unknown hand reaches in, grabs hold, and impales the very organ with its intangible fingertips? Yes, it has its grasp on you and it slowly, excruciatingly pulls the organ of your soul lower and deeper until it snaps separate and free from your chest into the depths of your bowels.
Do you feel it? Your spine aches and tenses as your body fears what it cannot face. Behind you, always behind you, it hides and feasts. With one hand it claimed your heart, with the other it possesses your soul. Do you feel the emptiness, the emotionless, guiltless grip it has on you? Every vertebrae grinds on the other as you feel your every position in discontent. Bone clashes and grinds on bone, the sound of it grumbling dully and horrifically.
Do you feel fear? The fear of the open space, the darkness, the loneliness that surrounds you? Your skin trembles as it feels Nothing. Your heart aches as it feels Nothing. Your mind falters and falls into entropy as it succumbs to Nothing. You see Nothing. Darkness can no longer be differentiated from Light. Nothing becomes something, as it is the only existence you know and can find solace in. Can you stop it? Can you stop what you feel, but cannot reach? What is this malady whose symptoms you feel?
Your head grows heavy, yet your body refuses to retire. It hangs low and defeated as the willow that weeps. Your neck, weighted and shackled to the earth, subjugating you, forcing you to bow down to it as subject to Master. Your body fails to hold you any longer as your weight simply becomes a burden from God. Do you feel it? Do you feel what I feel? Do you feel the wet, sharp, blistering burns that sears my eyes shut?
Do you feel my sorrows? Can you hear my lament?
Do you feel it?
Yes, right there, in there, in that deep cavern of flesh and bone, do you feel its weight? Do you feel your heart trembling in pain as some mysterious, unknown hand reaches in, grabs hold, and impales the very organ with its intangible fingertips? Yes, it has its grasp on you and it slowly, excruciatingly pulls the organ of your soul lower and deeper until it snaps separate and free from your chest into the depths of your bowels.
Do you feel it? Your spine aches and tenses as your body fears what it cannot face. Behind you, always behind you, it hides and feasts. With one hand it claimed your heart, with the other it possesses your soul. Do you feel the emptiness, the emotionless, guiltless grip it has on you? Every vertebrae grinds on the other as you feel your every position in discontent. Bone clashes and grinds on bone, the sound of it grumbling dully and horrifically.
Do you feel fear? The fear of the open space, the darkness, the loneliness that surrounds you? Your skin trembles as it feels Nothing. Your heart aches as it feels Nothing. Your mind falters and falls into entropy as it succumbs to Nothing. You see Nothing. Darkness can no longer be differentiated from Light. Nothing becomes something, as it is the only existence you know and can find solace in. Can you stop it? Can you stop what you feel, but cannot reach? What is this malady whose symptoms you feel?
Your head grows heavy, yet your body refuses to retire. It hangs low and defeated as the willow that weeps. Your neck, weighted and shackled to the earth, subjugating you, forcing you to bow down to it as subject to Master. Your body fails to hold you any longer as your weight simply becomes a burden from God. Do you feel it? Do you feel what I feel? Do you feel the wet, sharp, blistering burns that sears my eyes shut?
Do you feel my sorrows? Can you hear my lament?
Do you feel it?
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