Eros and Mnemosyne

I told myself that I wouldn't let it happen again, but I unknowingly did. I didn't realize it until it had already happened and it was suddenly out of my hands. Now, I find myself in the same situation with B. In the recent past, I had the chance to be with someone, someone who could have been special, but a part of me didn't feel ready at that point... Now, when I am emotionally ready to commit myself and see where a relationship could go, B. seems to have started moving on. After things started falling through, B. expressed his fear and uncertainty with seeing me again. He expressed fear towards how he would emotionally respond to being physically near me. In a sense, I believe that he fears the possibility that the feelings he still holds for me would resurface.

It hurts to have someone that you've come to care for suddenly disappear. It's difficult to cope with the idea that you loved and cared for someone, but it wasn't clear until they were gone. In a sense, it's kind of like death; you take for granted the presence of an individual in your life, but once they're gone you realize how much more you love(d) and cherish(ed) them. At times, we are so selfish and we become so frustrated because we want that person to acknowledge how we feel... perhaps to even reciprocate how we feel for them. We fail to realize that they are their own person and we can only do so much. We can love someone so much, but when we don't receive the same sort or amount of love we can feel cheated, used, or unwanted. That's the thing about love though, you only have control over how much love you want to give to those around you, but you have no say or control over how much love you would receive in return. We have to keep in mind that to love someone is to care for a person without expecting anything in return. Nonetheless, even though I am cognizant of how to logically approach love, there is still a tinge of pain when I realize how lonely I am.

I talked to my friend Jamie about my situation with B. and something she said struck me. She said, "...when you let go of someone you know isn't right for you, it's often easy to feel regretful when you see them moving forward and things haven't necessarily changed for you." Did I truly believe that B. wasn't the right one for me? I often said how he was too nice, too naive, too passive, yet I know for a fact that whenever I did verbalize such thoughts, it seemed as if I was just making excuses. When I would exclaim how he was too nice or too passive for me, at that same moment I knew that I didn't believe what had just come out of my mouth. Instead, it seemed as if I repeatedly verbalized such thoughts in an attempt to convince myself of what I was saying. I couldn't convince myself. I knew myself too well to even deceive my own heart. The truth is, the things I saw as faults in him were a reflection of me. I kept saying that I couldn't let myself fall in love or enter a relationship because I wanted to seem independent, strong-willed, ambitious. On the contrary, I've realized that the things I wanted to convince myself as being his faults were traits that we shared, traits that I saw to be my own weaknesses, not his.

At this point, I don't really think there is anything else I can do. The only thing I can do at the moment is sit tight and hope for the best.

It's interesting though how today reminds me of a day he and I shared. Currently, as the sunlight filters through the venetian blinds and a slightly crisp Winter breeze comes through my window, it reminds me of that summer afternoon when B. first told me he loved me. I took him to the one place where I always went to think. We sat under the shade of two trees; the sky was clear, and a slight summer breeze flowed along the lake. The breeze sifted through the branches and leaves making the sunlight that filtered through almost twinkle, fade, and glow in a sense. I sat there looking at his hand as he confessed his feelings to me. All along, I knew that it was the purpose of his visit, but when I was finally confronted by this man's feelings toward me, it was such an intense, raw, and unexpected feeling. I told him that I didn't want to enter into a relationship because I wanted to stand on my own two feet and see the world as an independent individual. However, deep inside I knew that I didn't completely believe what I was saying. I didn't know what to say. I never had anyone profess love to me before him. Ever.

Once he said his piece and I said mine, I suggested that he should take a look at what I called the "love rocks" that lined the lake and lagoon. He got up and he walked to the edge of the lagoon and walked amongst the rocks I often sat on to secretly cry, think, and reflect many times before. I watched him as he stood there looking towards the indistinguishable horizon, where the cerulean blue lake and azure sky blurred into one. He stood there facing away from me and I watched him. I silently sat under the shade of the tree and watched him standing so tall, quiet, and serene. There was a specific moment when I just looked at the leaves rustling and scattering the rays of light that could reach me and simply thinking, "I'll always remember this day. I'll always remember this moment."

At that point in time, I did not feel the same way or love him the way he had professed to me, but at that same moment, as I watched him standing where I used to spend several sunrises sitting and wondering when love would come for me, my own feelings for him unknowingly came to be.