Going the Distance

This morning, I got up at 6am to get ready for the long journey ahead of me. I got onto the CTA train at 7:30am and got to the city at 8am. I got off of the wrong stop, unfortunately, so I had to hail a cab to take me to Ogilvie Station. Fortunately, I made it in time with ten minutes to spare in order to catch the Metra train.

Where was I going so early in the morning? I was going to see B.

In the past few days things have gotten quite tense between us.  A week ago, I realized my own feelings for him. Suddenly, I found myself thinking of him and imagining myself with  him. I realized that I had been thinking of him more and more since the last time I had seen him in person. I suddenly realized that I have unknowingly been harboring strong feelings for him. The next day, I told him how I felt about him. He responded by telling me that he had found someone else and that he needed to deal with a lot of things before he can talk to me about what was happening between us. Ever since then and up til a few nights ago, things had gotten worse. I started to feel antsy and restless with my feelings. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted him to completely understand how I felt. I wanted him to give me a chance.

He told me that he doesn't really know what he meant when he told me countless times that he loved me. At the same time, he told me that he just had to move on after spending countless months enduring unrequited love for me. I was confused at this point. What did he really feel? On one hand, he tells me that he spent months enduring love for me that I could not reciprocate. He told me that he didn't want to see me in person because he didn't trust himself with me (meaning he still had feelings for me and he was suppressing them). On the other hand, he tells me that he's unsure as to what he felt for me for the past five to six months; he doesn't know if it was love. I couldn't get a clear answer from him. Did he love me or did he not? I cannot move on without getting the answers I need. I felt disregarded, lied to, fooled. Things got so tense that he told me that he needed to be left alone because he was about to lose his temper.

A day passed and he never got back to me. Another day passed and still no word from him. Last night, I decided that I would go visit him. What brought this on? I'm not quite sure. I just knew that for me to find the answers I needed or to find some sort of closure, I had to do something. I couldn't just wait and let things happen without doing something, anything. I wanted the chance for him to look me in the eye and tell me the truth as to how he felt about me. Seeing him in person meant that he wouldn't be able to simplya disregard my questions, my desire for clarity, and perhaps his own feelings.

My ticket home.

I got to his town around 10am. Once I got off the train, I called him. He didn't answer, so I left a message saying, "Hey it's Kenny... I was wondering if we could talk. I know that you're probably still sleeping, but I was wondering if we could talk even for just a little bit... Anyways, I'm in town right now, so if you're willing to, I'd like to see you in person and talk. My train back to the city won't arrive til 11am, so I hope to hear from you before then..." He called back sounding upset. He was upset about the fact that I came all the way from the city to talk to him. He kept asking me why I had come to his hometown, how I shouldn't have done it, there's nothing for us to talk about, he has nothing to say to me, and he has to deal with some things at the moment and he can't deal with me until then. At that point, I felt stupid, weak, and silly for going so far as landing myself in the middle of an unfamiliar town. I didn't know how to respond. I thought it was clear that I came to see him to talk and to just see him (I missed him), yet he kept on repeating, "Why are you here? Why did you come? You can't just come to my hometown." All I could really say was, "Ok. I understand. Ok. I'm sorry. I understand. I'll talk to you when you're ready."

Afterwards, I just sat for an hour in the Starbucks across the street from the Metra station waiting for the next train back to the city. Surprisingly, I wasn't distraught about how things ensued. I also didn't regret traveling all the way out there only for him to not be able to see me. I expected for him to not be able to meet up with me as the worst case scenario, so in a sense I was prepared for it. In a sense, I felt more at ease at that point than I had in the past few days. The fact that I actually did something, however absurd it may have been, gave me a sense of control over the things that were happening around me. Sure, things didn't go how I would've wanted them to, but I took solace in the fact that I did all that I could and left no uncertainties unturned.

What's going to happen next? I honestly don't know. An optimistic perspective would be that he'd hear me out and give me a chance. On the contrary, he can tell me that I no longer have a chance with him and it's best if we go our completely separate ways. I do have genuine feelings for him. I don't hold anything against him. In the beginning of this situation, I tried to be mad at him, blame him, even see the faults in him in order to make myself get over him. Frankly, I can't get mad at him, I can't blame him, and whatever his faults may be it doesn't matter to me. I love him. If it's unrequited, then there's nothing else I can do.

All I know is that I'll be all right. No matter what happens, I'll live. All I can be certain of is myself and my ability to love.