A Love Letter I Cannot Send

Dear B.,

I know that you don't want to speak to me right now, but I really wish I could. I feel as if you are purposely avoiding me... Perhaps you are, I don't know, but I know that it was never like this between us. Even when things got rough, we always returned to the way we were. We were always able to move on... together.

I know that I have hurt you and it seemed as if I was never there for you; I'm sorry. I want you to know that you have always been special to me. I never realized how special, but now that I have to resist the temptation to contact you, it has become more evident how much you have always meant to me. I felt secure and safe just knowing that you were always there for me. I felt happy to simply know that you were there, thinking of me, even when words did not pass between us.

I don't know where things went wrong. I know that in the past few weeks ever since the last time I saw you in person things have become strained between us. I picked fights with you. I antagonized you. I honestly didn't know how to approach you and tell you how I felt. For me, to show affection, to tell someone you love them and care for them, is a frightening experience because I lose a sense of control. I know it's no excuse, but when I picked petty fights with you I was trying to let you know, "Hey, I'm right here. Please, pay attention to me because all my attention has been on you...I need you." I once indirectly told you how little boys pick on the girls they had crushes on; it was my indirect confession to you that I finally started to realize my feelings for you.

I don't know what happened or when it started, but it seems as if everything happened all too quickly. A few weeks ago, we laughed, we joked, we planned to see each other again. I didn't want to tell you, and now I regret not telling you before all this had happened, but I planned to reintroduce you to all my friends the next time you would have to visited. I didn't want to introduce you as just another friend, but someone much more special. I wanted it to be a beginning for us. I didn't want to tell you because I didn't want to expect or to hope for too much... but I still did hope.

I wish you would give me a chance. I wish you would talk to me. Hear me out. I want to know what's happening on your side of the world and what's happening between us. I want to understand you. I don't understand why we can't speak to one another. So many things have happened in the past seven to eight months since we've known each other, but it never broke us. It seems as if something unknown to me, something that I am not aware of, happened suddenly. I want to know what it was. I want to help fix whatever it is that has broken between us.

You said that there's another boy. You said that you two started dating within the past two weeks. Why didn't you tell me? Were you aware or even suspect my feelings for you? Did you ever feel my growing need for your attention and affection? I want you to give me another chance. If not a chance to see what can grow between us, at least a chance for us to talk things through and close things with the least heartache for both of us. God, if I could just have one thing, I just want to be in your embrace again. You said that I should just blame you for everything and/or that you hurt me. The thing is, no matter how much you may have truly hurt me or caused me discomfort, it doesn't matter to me, I just want you to be by my side again.

I know that at this point you may look down upon me or no longer hold me to a high-esteem... I know that it's not good form to show such a weakness, for me to be at the point of almost begging. This is what I always feared, to lose myself to my emotions. But I don't regret it. As much as it may hurt or frustrate me, I am thankful to have these feelings for you. It has reminded me that I can still love and cherish the presence of another. I made a mistake and I'm sorry. I'm sorry for hurting you. I didn't mean to or want to. I was scared. But here I am, opening myself up to you, willing to show you all my secrets, my vulnerabilities, and myself... 

I want to believe that you really did love me. I want to believe that all those times you came to city to see me meant something. I want to believe that you walked that whole night with me because you cared for me. I want to believe that when you reached for my hand that summer day it meant something. I want to believe that you felt something for me whenever I pulled your arm around me, when I fell asleep on your lap or shoulder, and when we kissed. When you sat there with me outside of my classroom, I felt happy. I felt content just sitting right beside you, as my equal, as my companion, as someone I could potentially be with.

Perhaps you're avoiding me because you don't want to deal with the emotions within yourself that are associated with me. Perhaps you don't want to face them because you don't know how it would affect what you're currently developing with the other guy, but can you deny it... can you deny that there is something still there for me, within your heart? If there is still love or affection for me still lingering in your heart, please don't deny it or disregard it. I know that it hurt to love me and not receive the same from me. I was scared and not ready at that point in my life, but I am ready. I am ready, willing, and wanting to see where things could go with you. I want to believe that things could still work between us. Perhaps I cause(d) you discontent and heartache... Whatever it may be, I want to quell your fears.

I want to be here for you. I want to be with you.
I miss you. Please, can we please see things through?
Kenneth C.