I Hate Being Asian

I hate being Asian. I hate being forcefully, guiltily bound by culture. I hate the fact that I can't venture out or be independent without feeling like I'm turning my back on my family. At the same time, I resent them for making me feel like this. I could never do any extracurricular activities in high school or even in college because my mind would automatically go the question - Who will take care of my little sister? What would my parents think?

I hate her for it. I hate her for being born. I hate the fact that my parents depend on me... they depend on me to drop whatever the hell it is I am doing in order to follow their every whim. To mop up a flooded basement, to plow snow, to just be a presence in a house that I stopped considering a home long time ago... I am expected to drop whatever it is I'm doing and travel across the city for such trivial matters.

Yes, they fed me, clothed me, and gave me a home. But what was it for? Was it so they could ask me to repay such a debt someday? Or was it to share an unconditional love with another human being and to nurture such life until it can be its own autonomous being? I don't know. Whenever I defy their will the idea of being an ungrateful child is laid upon me. They gave me this, they gave me that, they gave me those... and how do I repay them? That's the thing, it seems to be a conditional love based on repayment. It's ensured that I don't forget it.

I am expected to succeed in this world. In this western world with western standards while bound to the expectations of those with an eastern perception of the world. It's emotionally conflicting. The eastern, collectivist expectations they have of me keep me from succeeding.

I resent them for it. I resent myself for caring for them. I hate them for making me feel guilty about wanting to grow into my own... without them.

Frankly, it's moments like this that I get a certain feeling and thought... I wouldn't mind if they died. It would finally give me freedom. I would finally be unbound from rules and responsibilities irrelevant to me. I would be free.

Yes. I am saying that I would actually be a bit relieved if my parents or even little sister were to just drop dead. 

I'm a bad person. I know. 

Return.

I've returned from Rome almost a week ago. Frankly, it all seems so surreal. Looking at the world around me, it doesn't seem like I ever left. Rome feels like a distant dream...

The dome of St. Peter's Basilica looming over the city. The cobblestone streets. The silent and humble Bernini sculptures around the city. The mountains and hills that surrounded me. They all seem like images from someone's life other than my own.

People seemed so shock when they ran into me. They often did a double take or look confused. They say that I seem tanner (thanks to the Italian sun) and my hair is longer. Many of them claim that they didn't even know I had curly hair. They say I look more European. I wonder if it's true or if the fact that I was in Europe that paints such an illusion in their minds.

I am glad to be home. Being in Rome made me appreciate what I have here in Chicago. Perhaps I wasn't able to fully appreciate Italy as much due to my sight being so fixated on returning home. It wasn't until I was nearing the end of my journey that I was able to embrace Rome for what it had offered me. Perhaps it wasn't Italy that I fell in love with in the first place, but the image of Italy that foreigners have of the country and its people. I'm fine with that. Perhaps on my return to the Eternal City, it will be a much more fulfilling experience.

Friends have been asking me if I loved the experience. If it was worth it. I tell them that I did love it and spout all these positive things about my travels. However, internally, I am still questioning as to whether it was worth it. Sure, I was able to get away from the American way of life and see things that most people cannot even fathom of seeing in their lifetime. But was it worth it? Was it worth doing at this point in my life? Maybe later down the road I will realize the answer to that question. At the moment, I can only think of the things I must take care of now due to my travels:

• Find a job
• Find an apartment
• Find an internship (to finish my psychology degree)

If I did learn anything from my travels, it's this... Never be afraid of taking chances. Fear regret more than fear itself.