Do you know that feeling? When your palms start sweating, yet a cold sensation begins to creep from your fingertips? Do you feel it as every joint on every limb quiver in weakness and anxiety? It slowly creeps and caresses, silently crawling on your skin. It creeps further, its hold grows stronger, colder, relentless; its claim on your sorrows begin. Your mind wanders from one thing to the next as it tries to flee the very thought and emotion resting in your chest...
Yes, right there, in there, in that deep cavern of flesh and bone, do you feel its weight? Do you feel your heart trembling in pain as some mysterious, unknown hand reaches in, grabs hold, and impales the very organ with its intangible fingertips? Yes, it has its grasp on you and it slowly, excruciatingly pulls the organ of your soul lower and deeper until it snaps separate and free from your chest into the depths of your bowels.
Do you feel it? Your spine aches and tenses as your body fears what it cannot face. Behind you, always behind you, it hides and feasts. With one hand it claimed your heart, with the other it possesses your soul. Do you feel the emptiness, the emotionless, guiltless grip it has on you? Every vertebrae grinds on the other as you feel your every position in discontent. Bone clashes and grinds on bone, the sound of it grumbling dully and horrifically.
Do you feel fear? The fear of the open space, the darkness, the loneliness that surrounds you? Your skin trembles as it feels Nothing. Your heart aches as it feels Nothing. Your mind falters and falls into entropy as it succumbs to Nothing. You see Nothing. Darkness can no longer be differentiated from Light. Nothing becomes something, as it is the only existence you know and can find solace in. Can you stop it? Can you stop what you feel, but cannot reach? What is this malady whose symptoms you feel?
Your head grows heavy, yet your body refuses to retire. It hangs low and defeated as the willow that weeps. Your neck, weighted and shackled to the earth, subjugating you, forcing you to bow down to it as subject to Master. Your body fails to hold you any longer as your weight simply becomes a burden from God. Do you feel it? Do you feel what I feel? Do you feel the wet, sharp, blistering burns that sears my eyes shut?
Do you feel my sorrows? Can you hear my lament?
Do you feel it?
Yes, right there, in there, in that deep cavern of flesh and bone, do you feel its weight? Do you feel your heart trembling in pain as some mysterious, unknown hand reaches in, grabs hold, and impales the very organ with its intangible fingertips? Yes, it has its grasp on you and it slowly, excruciatingly pulls the organ of your soul lower and deeper until it snaps separate and free from your chest into the depths of your bowels.
Do you feel it? Your spine aches and tenses as your body fears what it cannot face. Behind you, always behind you, it hides and feasts. With one hand it claimed your heart, with the other it possesses your soul. Do you feel the emptiness, the emotionless, guiltless grip it has on you? Every vertebrae grinds on the other as you feel your every position in discontent. Bone clashes and grinds on bone, the sound of it grumbling dully and horrifically.
Do you feel fear? The fear of the open space, the darkness, the loneliness that surrounds you? Your skin trembles as it feels Nothing. Your heart aches as it feels Nothing. Your mind falters and falls into entropy as it succumbs to Nothing. You see Nothing. Darkness can no longer be differentiated from Light. Nothing becomes something, as it is the only existence you know and can find solace in. Can you stop it? Can you stop what you feel, but cannot reach? What is this malady whose symptoms you feel?
Your head grows heavy, yet your body refuses to retire. It hangs low and defeated as the willow that weeps. Your neck, weighted and shackled to the earth, subjugating you, forcing you to bow down to it as subject to Master. Your body fails to hold you any longer as your weight simply becomes a burden from God. Do you feel it? Do you feel what I feel? Do you feel the wet, sharp, blistering burns that sears my eyes shut?
Do you feel my sorrows? Can you hear my lament?
Do you feel it?
Do you remember KC I recommended a book by Claire Weekes about dealing with anxieties and depression? (Hope and Help for your Nerves) Well your above description could be lifted right out of the first pages of that book. (you can order it from Amazon and it will be the best 10 bucks you will ever spend) You need to understand what you are dealing with and how to turn it around. I don't like to see you deprived of the joy of life and you are a young man in your prime. It DOES take effort to find the joy in life cos it is much easier to go the other way. Everyone gets the blues occasionally but don't let it turn into something else. Lots of people can identify with what you are saying. bfn - Wayne (big hugs!)
ReplyDeleteThanks Wayne. :) I should have given a small explanation as to what I was writing about just to give people a better understanding of where I was coming from.
ReplyDeleteIn essence, I was writing about love. How I felt, moment by moment, when the Third basically told me that the love he had once professed to me over and over again isn't what he said it to be. Now, he's saying that he doesn't really know how he felt in retrospect.
That's the funny thing. I came off as the bad guy in his eyes for telling him that I didn't love him back then, and now he's telling me that his feelings were misguided and he didn't really know how he felt back then. It's just crazy how I felt guilty for being honest to myself, to him, and for knowing my genuine feelings, or the lack thereof.