At some point, I changed. I admit I have become jaded. Even though I told myself that I will never become jaded or consider myself a victim, I still turned out to be. I was so afraid of becoming something that the fear of becoming "it" kept me from seeing my very fears creeping up on me. At one point, I was an expressive person; I took pride in that. Everything that I felt and thought, I was able to verbalize in words. People admired how in-tuned I was with my emotions. I was never confused or uncertain about how I felt and I always trusted my intuition.
Whenever I take a step forward, I become afraid and take two steps back. Whenever opportunities were presented to me, I would get ahold of them, then let go too soon. I have become so afraid and so affected by others' opinion of me that my own opinion became lost to them. Often, I thought, "I don't deserve this positive opportunity," or, "someone else is more well-deserving." What I thought others thought of me became my thoughts, my opinions, my direction. I became so afraid to commit because I didn't know when in the future I would be let down again. I became a gray canvas because I am too afraid to be my inherent self, too afraid to be criticized, too afraid to be alone. I was a gray canvas, not blank, because there is a self I am aware of, but have tried over and over again to paint over.
I am where I am now because I am in between two phases. I have let others determine who I am, yet I am aware of the individuality I possess. There is conflict between two identities as one is a part of me that wants to be accepted (no matter the cost), therefore passively letting others determine my identity, and the latter that desires me to stand for something, to stand up for myself, to express the opinions and thoughts I've come to suppress, and to just be me.
I don't know what specifically changed me. Sure, I could think of key events in my life that might have steered me towards the direction I am facing today, but I'd rather not dwell on them. Dwelling on the past would only tempt me to rationalize what has already happened and make excuses out of them. At this point, I've already made too many excuses, I've mourned and reflected, and now it's time to move on. Where exactly do I move on from here?
How can I reconcile the two and be the person that will make me the happiest?
I guess that is why many gay guys seek out the homosexual community so they can 'be themselves'. Trying to co-exist and get along with straight friends doesn't do a lot for a gay guy's self esteem. Straight people eventually pair off and settle down, and the gay friend is left out in the cold. The homosexual community is your 'family', the ones who truly understand you, and mixing with them will allow you to find that guy on your wavelength; gays are known for being intelligent and sensitive. But gay or straight we all put up facades as we cope with people in society whether socially or at work. However we all want those close friendships where one can be yourself, and that seems to be harder to find the older we get and accumulate baggage. Don't let straight society kick the joy of life out of you; be proud of your sexuality and find some gay friends. bfn - Wayne (hugs)
ReplyDeleteI was criticizing both homosexual and heterosexual society's affects on me, not just heterosexual society. Frankly, I didn't really have either facet of society in mind, it was more of a self-reflection than anything else.
ReplyDeleteTo be honest with you, I always felt the homosexual community's criticism of me to be the harshest and the one that has truly affected me negatively. Sure, the pain dealt to me by general society was explicit, but the cuts weren't as deep as the offenses of the gay community.
Maybe you need to find the people in the gay community where you fit in, they certainly have their share of shallow ignorance and weeding that out is part of the process just as it is for straight people. You say at one time you were flamboyant and expressive, and now that has changed to being jaded which is the result of too many negative experiences. Don't let the negative experiences get to you and hold you back. Are there any gay friendly groups at your college or some gay bars or clubs in your area? Some gay people in some of your classes? I have a brother who is hetero and maybe not the handsomest guy in the world but he has always been highly successful with women, and he had sex with so many girls in his younger days that I'm sure that today he would be called a sexual predator lol. He always has a smile and a laugh and is just plain charming around women. Some were not interested and others were, but he never let the rejections bother him. I guess you just need to find the people you click with and they are out there, but we all have our warts inside and out and accepting that is part of it. You want to be true to yourself and I like that, and so should a lot of other people. Hey the winter blahs are getting to me too but Spring is coming. Be sure to focus on your courses cos being financially successful someday brings opportunities. bfn - Wayne :)
ReplyDeletePersonally, I don't think this has anything to do with "fitting in" with "people who are like you." You will always have opinions about you no matter where you are, unless you become a recluse, which probably isn't what you're planning!
ReplyDeleteIf I understand correctly, you're having trouble reconciling two identities that you have grown up around. Both can have their truths. And I'm assuming people having a good opinion of you directly contributes to happiness.
I see three possibilities:
1) Change your mindset about the conflict between these two identities. Just as how one has a different face from heading out of their homes than when they're talking to family, you show your "societal identity" when in society and keep your own identity when you're on your own / when you're with people you love. It's not much of a conflict as it is a balance, or like choosing an outfit. This will be similar to "staying in the closet," except it will be about your whole self. You can chase for the things you want, just on your own time in your own privacy. It may create the most conflict internally, but it also comes with the least conflict externally. This is embracing your gray canvas, as underneath the gray layers you stay preserved.
2) Probably the most popular choice, along the lines of "following your heart." Your own self-made identity is the one that has the most importance, and everyone else's opinion, although possibly having some insight, does not dictate your own. You know yourself better than anyone can know yourself; you deal with yourself 24/7! Comes with risk, as people may not like who you portray yourself to be. Probably comes with the most self-satisfaction (and that's excellent), and it also provides a mental stronghold because you have something internal to hold on to. You paint on your own canvas who you are for everyone else to see, and author's intent is worth more than anyone's interpretation.
3) Everyone's and your idea of your own identity are one in the same. Your canvas becomes completely blank, and everyone, including yourself, draws whatever image they want on that canvas. It's not so much as coexisting (like #1), but more of a merging. Humans will always interpret, and you are no exception to the rule. All ideas about who you are have the same worth/ truth to them. Provides the most freedom, but can come with mental instability (no internal strongholds).
I personally chose #3. But choose the one that you like the most =). I'm sure there are other choices that I've neglected.