Ever since my recent panic/anxiety attack while taking an afternoon nap, it has been somewhat difficult for me to get a good night's sleep (or even falling asleep for that matter). I'm afraid of experiencing another attack. I'm afraid of laying myself down in bed and having those few minutes to think before actually falling asleep. I'm afraid of relaxing and actually letting my mind wander since it could possibly lead to me thinking about death, therefore another attack.
Like I've said before, I'm not afraid of death itself. What I'm afraid of is the idea of the unknown and its uncertain arrival. In truth, I am just as afraid of consciously living for an eternity as I am dying unexpectedly (whether it be tomorrow, in a few years, or a few decades). I don't know how to explain it; the concept of being eternally conscious or unexpectedly just going black makes my stomach sink. I tried to Google what I am experiencing and the closest thing I could find was something called "thanatophobia," the fear of death.
"People who are highly intelligent and inquisitive are often at greater risk for this type of thanatophobia, as are those who are questioning their own philosophical or religious beliefs."
Could that be true? Am I developing some sort of phobia or am I just having the occasional panic attacks? Could being quite intelligent and so desiring of uncovering the unknown cause such a problem? Sure, I would say that I've been questioning my religious and philosophical beliefs, but what gay young adult/teen isn't? I am concerned that I'm either going insane or I'm overreacting. Nonetheless, my recent experience(s) has led to my insomnia.
I need someone to talk to, not a professional, just an ordinary person. I don't need some individual shoving the DSM-V down my throat along with a few prescriptions. I just want someone to talk things through with. I want to be reassured that I'm not the only one in this world that has experienced these sort of thoughts. Whatever "this" may be, I don't want it to progress any further.
I guess one must also consider the fact that I've been cooped up in my parents' house all alone for the past week or so. I have only left the house two or three times in the past week, could that possibly have something to do with it? Perhaps I've just had too much time to think.
To me my panic attacks are a double-edged sword. They most often occur while travelling alone long distances at the end of the week, when I am reflecting more deeply about life and its issues. These are the times when my thinking is at its most lucid and I greatly value the insights I achieve then. But occasionally the ... err... contradictions in my life, the bigger issues, get to me, and that rising sense of panic takes over. As well as the physical symptoms its the irrational fear of impending doom, of my life crashing and burning that surges through me. I am quite good at distracting myself: singing, listening to the radio, anything to stop me thinking. So I usually control it before it gets too bad.
ReplyDeleteIt doesn't impact my life too much, so I have never sought treatment. In particular I would resist taking medications. To sacrifice the insightful reflection would be a very high price to pay, and I fear losing that edge to a mood-evening drug.
To me it sounds like there are deeper currents running in your life, about meaning, about control. Finding someone who you can trust to explore those issues with would be an excellent thing to do.
Hi K.C. (I see Google finally reactivated my old account and now I have two!) I hope you read my relevant comment on the last post concerning panic attacks. You are not going insane but just suffering from the symptoms of sensitised nerves (the fight or flight involuntary nervous system) as a result of long-term background fears. Being alone too much combined with dwelling on fears makes the problem worse. Many homosexuals suffer from anxiety because of their sexuality and this is why having gay friends and the gay community for support is so important.
ReplyDelete-Concerning death; all living things eventually die so we have lots of company. Personally I don't believe that we retain our individuality when we die cos upon death all the neural connections are lost and who we are is gone (ever try and talk to an Alzheimer's patient?) Maybe our life force or soul goes back to a life pool of some kind; that pool of consciousness that the universe needs for existence. But how to reconcile the concepts of good and evil? Existence is indeed mysterious. Don't be afraid of death but enjoy the life journey; every day above ground is good.
-To deal with those panic attacks; as I said in the previous post; never be afraid of those attacks cos they are the result of your involuntary nervous system's response to long-term fears (sensitised nerves). If you feel one coming on for no reason then welcome it and completely accept it; the rapid heartbeat and breathing and any other symptoms will go away more quickly if you don't care. It is your caveman genes responding to fear and you must let your body know there is nothing to be afraid of.
-Calming your nervous system and getting back to a natural balance will take usually two or three months and expect some ups and downs along the way. First never be afraid of nervous symptoms (it sets up a feed-back loop that keeps it going) but completely accept them when they come as you would the symptoms of a cold. Next, if persistent insomnia is killing your sleep you may need some prescription sleeping pills (from your doctor) to help you get a night's sleep and feel rested the next day. I would advise against anti-anxiety meds cos they mess up your brain chemistry and makes recovery tougher in the long run. As your nerves improve and anxiety lessens then you wean yourself off the sleeping aid gradually. (so you won't become dependent) Next you need daily activities to keep you occupied and your mind off yourself. A balance of activities, especially getting out of the house. Cultivate some good friends and accept them warts and all, extra cirricular activities at school, sporting activities, and especially exercise activities outside to help get rid of nervous energy; all on a daily consistent basis. Avoid too much screen time by yourself. You are not crazy or going insane, I think it is just the result of the stress of sexuality and modern life. I hope my suggestions are of some help cos they helped me when I felt like you. I got a lot of helpful info from a book by Claire Weekes; Hope and Help for your Nerves, published in the 80's I think, and her advice was excellent for explaining the causes and recovery from nervous illness and panic attacks without relying on meds; you might find it on Amazon. I highly recommend it if you find nervous symptoms trouble you long-term. It's also good to have your blog. bfn - Wayne (hugs)
I'm sorry about your panic attacks. I have only had two and I can definitely tell you they are experiences that I do not want to repeat. I hope those even out for ya.
ReplyDeleteIm your newest follower btw. Im Konrad. :)
Billy: I totally agree with you on taking medications. I believe it would do more harm than good. Perhaps I'm going through a certain stage in life where I must actually acknowledge certain questions and internal uncertainties. Distracting myself has been the only solution, but of course it doesn't stop the experience from happening in the first place. But like I said, which you also mentioned, perhaps there are deeper currents in my life that need to become more cognizant of and settle.
ReplyDeleteWayne: I don't know how I feel about sleeping aids either. I believe that there is an equal risk in disrupting my internal workings with say Ambien, as there is with anti-anxiety medication. I definitely want to try and tackle the situation in a more social/humanistic way rather than medical way. Perhaps the problem is more in the situation(s) that my life is currently rooted in rather than something inherent to my being.
Konrad: Thanks, I really hope it does even out for me as well. It's definitely a very uncomfortable experience; I hope neither of us will have to go through another one in our lives. And thanks I'm glad to have another follower. :)
The fear of death is very legitimate.
ReplyDeleteAs you know, I'm also very scared of death and what happens afterwards, and when it will be... etc.
But I sort of think of death like I think about college. So many people have gotten through college, like my siblings. People are going through college now, like my friends. If these people can get through college, I definitely can.
I definitely am scared about losing the physical pieces of what make up myself. But so many people have died already... Until "the singularity" comes, humans will live and die like they always have. Even the bravest and the strongest have succumbed to death. Sure, it would seem "hopeless" to go against death, but if the strongest/weakest have gone through death, I think I'll have an OK time during death. I just hope it happens when I'm at least 50 and have done most of what I want to do in my life. People lose their lives so surprisingly too; just make sure that at any time in your life in the future you'll be ready to die I guess. Find some type of closure.
Being prepared at every time (aka being vigilant) can be a partial answer so that you aren't upset when death suddenly pops out at you. What happens afterwards (aka the unknown)... I wouldn't dwell on. Thinking about the same thing over and over expecting an answer is dangerous and time consuming; sometimes there isn't even an answer. Sometimes the answer comes out when you're not thinking. Don't you know that quote from Albert Einstein? "Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results." Although, I feel like insanity is what makes us human...
Being intelligent can definitely cause a lot more problems. Information and self consciousness comes at a price, but I'm sure you can handle it.
And by the way, I consider myself insane (completely self-prescribed). But that doesn't stop me from being myself and whatever. So when you consider yourself insane, welcome to the club! If you still stay sane, well that's OK too. Either way you won't be alone.