Since then—'tis Centuries—and yet
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Feels shorter than the Day
I first surmised the Horses' Heads
Were toward Eternity—
- Emily Dickinson
I just woke up from a nap. What I experienced soon after waking up is one of the things that makes me hesitant about going to sleep in the first place. It doesn't happen often, but considering the experience itself, it's not something that should ever happen. I felt like my chest was collapsing in on itself, reality seemed much clearer than it had ever been, and impending doom was all that I could think about. I felt as if time was accelerated, yet my mind was stuck on one thought: death and decay. What raced through my head is the fact that I am mortal, I am dying, and I am afraid of the unknown. It wasn't the fear that made it excruciating, but the feelings of deep sadness and hopelessness that followed. In truth, these moments are the clearest that I've actually felt alive. The idea of death doesn't usually bother me except for when I have these attacks.
For most of what I can remember of my conscious life, the days seem like a movie. I feel as if my whole life is something that I'm not living, but watching through a television set. I see and hear my life occurring, but I cannot feel it. It feels as if I am not truly experiencing life. Sure, I cry when I am sad and I laugh when I am happy, but a part of me feels as if I am not feeling emotions to their fullest extent, especially happiness. It's like holding something in your hand while wearing latex gloves; you feel yourself holding the object, but you're not feeling it's texture, it's warmth, etc. All that you know and feel is the simple fact that there is an object in your hand. Sometimes I try to break the glass wall between me and the experience of life, yet when I feel so close to grasping it with my bare hands, it escapes me and I revert back.
When I wake up in these states of panic, life seems so much more real. It's a powerful feeling as if a bullet of emotions had been shot into my chest and head. All I can really do is quickly get up from bed, make a whimpering sound, followed by me telling myself out loud to stop thinking. Sometimes, it's not so bad and all I have to do is distract myself (e.g., get on the computer or turn on the television) in order to stop the attack. Whenever I think of these events occurring, I feel crazy and embarrassed. Not only do I feel embarrassed by the possibility of someone seeing me during such an event, but I also feel guilty that I feel the most alive in such a state of mind.
I don't think it's always been like this. I believe that before I felt "numb" to life, I actually enjoyed and relished in what was in front of me. I don't remember ever experiencing these attacks before the numbness developed either. I do believe that my constant feeling of numbness towards life is linked to these occasional attacks. If it is so, I want to fix it. Some might suggest seeing a psychiatrist and getting prescribed antidepressants or whatnot. The thing is, I don't want to start taking pills to escape this experience. I may be romanticizing the problem, but I do believe that the solution can be found through a more humanistic process. I don't know what that may be, but I am certain that I don't want to chemically alter myself with medication. The world is chemically-altered enough, voluntarily and involuntarily.
Am I crazy? Am I alone in this? Will I ever again experience happiness to its fullest extent? Will these attacks stop? I don't know. I don't fear death. What I fear is life with nothing on my mind, but the coming of the end.
I've experienced exactly what you're describing. I don't know why, but for a period of time I would wake up with that same pit feeling in my chest. The fear, panic and sense of emptiness were very real and terrifying. Since then I don't know what I did or perhaps did not do, but they've stopped. I was going through a lot emotionally during that time however and potentially that could be the root cause of my personal panic attacks. Since then things around me have improved and it's been a solid two months or so since I've had one of those episodes. Try and find something interesting that you can do regularly that helps clear your mind and relaxes you; that can help remove that "numbness" and maybe also help with getting rid of that feeling of something missing that's causing you pain.
ReplyDeleteWell, since we're born into this existence without knowing anything prior, it's always a touchy subject when we talk about the end of it. It's nearly inevitable to think about it because of our curiosity.
ReplyDeleteI don't think the moments are bad per se. Saying that they're bad is using the widespread notion of duality. I would try to see it as observing just one side of the coin: you see these moments as despairing. Why not use them as stepping stones? The things other people would do to feel like they're living for even a second. I, contrarily, love the very small moments after you wake up when you feel really alive.
I can't say anything about the future, but I can say that you're not alone of course. When I was really young, like 4-5, sometimes I believed my life was like a movie in the way that I'm watching it. But I guess the difference between you and I is that I never felt that being numb to life was that bad of a thing. Numbness to pain can be a great thing; Advil is amazing when you have it. I just try and look at it optimistically, I guess. If you want to feel your own life, you have to find your own way and stick to it.
To utilize them for my own cause doesn't make it mutually exclusive to being bad, would it? Sure, at a perceptual and cognitive sense, I can reinterpret the experience, but only after the fact, which is where the problem lies. When it happens, I don't have even an instant to take the experience into consideration, I just experience pain, something my body and mind inherently wishes to distance themselves from. As any increase in pleasure and/or any decrease in pain is bad, yes, I would consider those moments bad as they are far worse than my average state of being. At the same time, you're right. Even though there is nothing I can do at the moment of experience, I can take the experience in retrospect and make something positive of it. :)
ReplyDeleteYes, Advil is great when you have it, but it only blocks pain. The numbness I describe not only dulls the feeling of pain, but the feeling of joy as well. When I am considerably happy, I feel as if I have not reached the threshold of such an experience. It's comparable to the idea that even though you cannot miss what you never had, you desire for you know there is more than what you have had.
In any case, you're right. In a sense, this connects to what I said about finding my passion(s). I believe that once I find what it is that would make me passionate and filled with great conviction, I will find the ability to feel.
Hi KC. My Google acct crapped out a few days ago and I have no idea why it disabled cos all I do with it is comment on a few blogs. Anyway I got a new acct with a new email address and am back in blogland again.
ReplyDelete-It sounds like you are experiencing some panic attacks along with some depression. It is also a dirty little secret that lots of homosexual guys suffer from anxieties and nerves as a result of coping with their sexuality along with the other stresses of life; put the blame on society for that one and not yourself. I would urge you not to get into medications for the quick fix cos you are messing with brain chemistry and you will not achieve a natural balance while using these meds. Recognise that changes in your way of thinking and lifestyle will reduce anxieties/depression only over time; some months with some ups and downs. The way you are is the result of a long period of time and changing your mood and feelings for the better will take some time; there is no overnight fix.
-First you need to accept that nervous symptoms are the result of your involuntary nervous system getting turned on, your 'caveman genes' giving you a shot of adrenaline (the fight or flight response to fear). This involuntary nervous system becomes sensitised to long-standing fears and sporatic 'panic attacks' are the result. To handle panic attacks, COMPLETELY ACCEPT the symptoms and let it go (fast heartbeat, breathing won't hurt you any); being afraid of nervous symptoms will set up a feed-back loop that keeps it going. Accepting temporary nervous symptoms and not being afraid of them makes them subside more quickly. You also need to address the fears that you can do something about, and look at fears that you can't do anything about from a new point of view. Maybe talking with a therapist will help you with this.
-Also a more balanced kind of life may do the trick. More social interaction and a variety of activities can pull you out of your funk. One of the best remedies is good ole exercise and there is so much to choose from eg sports, gym, jogging, biking, skating, hiking etc and you also meet the nicest people. You are not crazy or alone with this and actually I am amazed that everyone does not feel like you in trying to cope with this 'modern' life. You DO have power to control the direction of your life, and put those fears to rest cos they are illusions. The future has much promise and possibilities for you. Do remember that improving your mood and banishing anxiety or panic attacks will come over time with some ups and downs along the way. I've been there and you will get better with the right attitude and effort. - Wayne (hugs)