I just recently got back from hanging out with my friend Drew. Drew is one of those guys that I would categorize as a "pretty gay." He's tall (over 6 feet), blond hair, blue eyes, high cheekbones, well-dressed, etc. He's the type of person that I have often observed turning heads. For example, earlier this evening, we were in Starbucks. When he walked to the counter to get my coffee or when someone outside would pass by the window where we were sitting, they'd turn their head to look at him. Contrary to the stereotype of good-looking gay guys with bitchy, pretentious attitudes, he's actually the opposite; he's very silly, generous, kind, and quite the gentleman.
Sometimes, gay friends come across a dilemma where a friendship is implicitly expected to evolve into a friends-with-benefits relationship, an intimate boyfriend-boyfriend relationship, or any sort of relationship between them simply dissolves. With Drew, we're comfortable with just being friends. Frankly, the absence of any sort of sexual attraction between us has enabled me to open up to him at a level greater than I have experience with any other friend. Whenever he and I are hanging out, I don't feel pressured to behave a certain way or censor certain thoughts/opinions. With such statements considered, is what he sees of me the truest form of my identity? When we are stripped of expectations and given the chance to behave in any way without fearing rejection, do we come to see our clearest reflection?
After hanging out with Drew a few times, he has stated that I am very sweet, kind, cute, and quite innocent. He questions why I have yet to find a man and all I can do is shrug my shoulders and respond, "I don't know." In truth, am I truly as sweet, kind, and innocent as he says I am? I feel no attraction to him or any conscious desire to please him, therefore I can only conclude that he sees me in my most basic form. With others, I have sometimes found myself having to act a certain way (jaded, overly optimistic, cold, aloof, etc.). I often feel as if I'm emphasizing certain facets of myself with others, whereas with Drew, I am just me.
What I'm getting at is that I want others to see me as he sees me. I want the rest of my friends friends and other men to see me for who I truly am. Some of us find ourselves trying to play roles other than our own. There are times when we want to seem suave to others, therefore we act more aloof, haughty, or obnoxious. Other times, we want to seem innocent, so we act too optimistic, too friendly, or too accommodating. We try to play these roles in order to satisfy other people's perceived expectations, which we can never truly fulfill, and we forget our role as ourselves. One quote that resonates with what I'm trying to say is something that Judy Garland once said, "Be a first rate version of yourself, not a second rate version of someone else." The thing is, the only way to generally succeed in this world is to stay true to ourselves and to take advantage of our own individuality.
With further reflection, yes, I am a sweet and kind-hearted person. I have tried to portray to others a character that seemed cold, aloof, and suave or too optimistic, enthusiastic, or friendly in order to hide my vulnerabilities. In consequence, portraying traits that were on both extremes of what I truly possess, I have come to surround myself with people I could not develop clear, intimate connections with. I found myself confused and not knowing which direction to take in my life because I lost my sense of identity under layers upon layers of supposed expectations.
With all things considered, I think I'm comfortable and ready to be me. I think I can move on forward and be honest with myself (and others) as to who I am.
I haven't had a friend like that.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I feel that I'm a blank canvas; people draw what they want to see on me and I cant break it. Im a straight son, a dumb kid who gets everything wrong, a good partner. And these dichotomies are set. I feel like people are whoever you want them to be. I feel like I see the true nature of people aroud me, but I have sides people will never see. I hope my life partner wont see me like that.
You know yourself best, but usually we feel we need an external opinion as proof of who we are to make sure we're not going insane. If youve really been yourself around this person, id trust his opinion.
That good friends a keeper.
Nicely said K.C. Your relationship with Drew reminds me of an old Seinfeld episode where Jerry stated to Elaine that sex is the 'enemy of friendship' lol; either you stay together or split up shortly after. I guess hitting the sheets is like throwing the dice. On another episode Elaine asked Jerry what percentage of people are physically sexually attracted to each other and Jerry replied 'oh, around 5%'. Elaine then asked 'well how do the rest get together?' and Jerry replied 'alcohol' lol. Yeah, the purpose of good ole booze is to remove inhibitions and the false front most of us put up. Sometimes you don't know who you are really sexually attracted to until you have sexual activity. Getting physical sex involves being vulnerable and taking chances; it is the law of the jungle. I also think that 'being yourself' and not a phony will get you a real best friend/lover.
ReplyDelete-Sometimes I think the wealthier people are then the more pretentious they become. I remember in my teens my best friend came from a poor family of 6 brothers and two sisters. I hung around there a lot cos their house was next to the river, beaches and forest. I was amazed at how open-minded and free-thinking they were. They cursed and swore at will and were not religious. We messed around mechanical things like old cars and motorcycles, and often hiked through the woods to the beaches and partied. My friend was straight however in spite of my best efforts, but his brother was another story; we had many encounters in the privacy of the woods! But I fondly remember them because I could be comfortable around them and they were open and honest. Money can't buy friends like that. Sometimes it is not you but others who force you to maintain a facade. I definitely hear what you are saying. bfn - Wayne :)
This was amazing and just what I needed. It felt like you were looking at me when you typed this. I go through exactly the same thing. Its nice to have some insight on it. :)
ReplyDeleteRon: I don't think any of us can ever get purely honest responses to such questions. It's quite hard to obtain 100% honest/true responses since no matter what the response will be partially derived from the respondent's perception of its consequence. If a friend asked me what I thought of them and I had full confidence that my response would not affect them, that's when a 100% true response can be given... But when can we ever be so certain to one being unaffected?
ReplyDeletePierre: I'm glad to have found some common ground with you. :)