What my Man Will Someday be Like

Having this whole night all to myself, I had time to think, which led to thoughts about my future. Specifically, I started to think about my ideal guy... So here's what I came up with.

- He'll be all right spending a whole Sunday morning and afternoon just lying on the couch with me, while the sun warms our cheeks.

- He'll notice me crying when a movie gets really dramatic and/or romantic, but he won't tease me for it. Instead, he'd unwittingly pull me closer to him.

- When I try to grab hold of his hand in public, he won't pull away; he'll look at me, smile, and grab hold of mine.

- He might think that the things I say or do are kind of weird, but he'll laugh along with me anyways and realize that only those special to me can get close enough to see my quirks.

- He'll surprise me by remembering the things I say when I don't think he's listening (e.g., what I'm afraid of, my favorite movie, my favorite colors, my favorite places to go, the secrets I share with him.)

- He'll snuggle up right behind me, put his arm around me, and pull me close to him before we both doze off to sleep.

- He will sometimes call or text me just to tell me he was thinking of me just a few seconds before he called/texted.

- When we can't be together, he would make sure that we both have at least a few minutes to talk every night before we head off to sleep.

- He wouldn't mind letting me sleep in the passenger seat during long drives with him.

- He would trust me driving his car while he sleeps in the passenger seat.

- He'd be happy to take late summer afternoon walks with me while he puts his arm around my waist and hold me close to him.

- He'd be happy to take lots of pictures with me and wouldn't mind me taking lots of pictures of him to remember our special moments together.

- When I'm feeling down and upset, he'd be there to hold me close and tight, no questions asked, to let me know that I'm safe in his arms.

- He'll challenge me as a person, but never make me feel inferior.

- When we're mad at each other and saying things we don't mean, he'd lean in and kiss me to make me shut up.

- He would want to introduce me to all his friends and he would be proud to call me his.

- He wouldn't be afraid or too embarrassed to tell me he loves me whenever it crosses his mind.

To Forgive and/or to Trust

B. messaged me last night saying that he's finally willing to talk.

We stopped talking about three weeks ago after he blocked me from every possible way I could reach him. He blocked me from Twitter, Facebook, and he even went as far as blocking our mutual friends (that he met through me). Sure, I could still text and call him, but for the three weeks before he re-initiated contact with me, I resisted calling and texting him. Sure, I thought of him everyday and wondered if it was really that easy to forget me, to suppress every thought pertaining to me, and whether I even crossed his mind anymore. However, I respected and loved myself enough not to degrade myself so far as begging him to speak to me. I took his act of blocking any possible communication between us as his way of permanently cutting ties with me.

It did hurt to have someone I trusted and cared for as a close friend for 7+ months totally cut me out of their lives. However, I was fine. I surrounded myself with friends that cared for me and showed me that I still have my own life to look forward to. I think that the experience, through and through, made me a stronger person.

I was planning on texting him on his birthday (March 3rd) with the simple message "Happy Birthday B." and leaving it at that. Frankly, in my mind, the best case scenario would be him saying, "Thank you," and leaving it at that and worst case scenario would be him saying, "Fuck you. Don't ever contact me again." I was honestly prepared to receive either response. Surprisingly, he beat me to the punch and he texted me last night saying he's sorry that he hurt me and he can no longer go on living without talking to me. He then told me he loved me.

Frankly, I don't know how to feel. I'm glad that he's willing to talk again, but I don't know how I feel about him saying that he loves me. Yes, the feelings I professed for/to him a few weeks ago were genuine, but considering how he has treated me since, I don't really know whether I want to offer my heart again. Yes, I still have feelings for him and I potentially love him, but I love myself more. I love myself more than I love him and I love myself enough not to put myself (and my heart) in harm's way. I have learned to live and be happy without him in the past three weeks, therefore what would be the reason for including him back into my life? Will he bring more love into my life or will he just bring back the possibility of me being hurt by him again?

Like I said, I now know how to live on without him; I've experienced it, I've lived it, and I've enjoyed it. If anything ever does happen between us, I know that no matter what happens, I will still have myself. I never have to fear the possibility of ever losing him because it has already happened and the experience wasn't horrible. It's the uncertainty of how we would react to future events/possibilities that scare us. However, once we've come to experience it and realize that it wasn't as scary as previously thought, any similar experience/event following it will be taken with ease.

Yes, I forgive him for how he treated me. Do I trust him? I don't know. My trust is something that he has to earn and prove to me that it's something he deserves. What does he have to do to prove himself? I don't know. Just like love, it's something I cannot predict; I'll know it once the thought, "Wow. He's someone I can trust (again)," hits me. Meanwhile, I think it's my friends that he will have the hardest time convincing. Each and everyone of my friends who I have told that B. re-initiated contact, apologized, and is telling me he loves me again were quite skeptical. Some even told me not to buy it and just move on. Perhaps I'm an emotional masochist or perhaps I'm just too forgiving, but I can't stay mad at someone who apologizes... especially someone I still have feelings for.

Sure, I can't trust those that have hurt me as easily, but I will often forgive even the undeserving.