B. messaged me last night saying that he's finally willing to talk.
We stopped talking about three weeks ago after he blocked me from every possible way I could reach him. He blocked me from Twitter, Facebook, and he even went as far as blocking our mutual friends (that he met through me). Sure, I could still text and call him, but for the three weeks before he re-initiated contact with me, I resisted calling and texting him. Sure, I thought of him everyday and wondered if it was really that easy to forget me, to suppress every thought pertaining to me, and whether I even crossed his mind anymore. However, I respected and loved myself enough not to degrade myself so far as begging him to speak to me. I took his act of blocking any possible communication between us as his way of permanently cutting ties with me.
It did hurt to have someone I trusted and cared for as a close friend for 7+ months totally cut me out of their lives. However, I was fine. I surrounded myself with friends that cared for me and showed me that I still have my own life to look forward to. I think that the experience, through and through, made me a stronger person.
I was planning on texting him on his birthday (March 3rd) with the simple message "Happy Birthday B." and leaving it at that. Frankly, in my mind, the best case scenario would be him saying, "Thank you," and leaving it at that and worst case scenario would be him saying, "Fuck you. Don't ever contact me again." I was honestly prepared to receive either response. Surprisingly, he beat me to the punch and he texted me last night saying he's sorry that he hurt me and he can no longer go on living without talking to me. He then told me he loved me.
Frankly, I don't know how to feel. I'm glad that he's willing to talk again, but I don't know how I feel about him saying that he loves me. Yes, the feelings I professed for/to him a few weeks ago were genuine, but considering how he has treated me since, I don't really know whether I want to offer my heart again. Yes, I still have feelings for him and I potentially love him, but I love myself more. I love myself more than I love him and I love myself enough not to put myself (and my heart) in harm's way. I have learned to live and be happy without him in the past three weeks, therefore what would be the reason for including him back into my life? Will he bring more love into my life or will he just bring back the possibility of me being hurt by him again?
Like I said, I now know how to live on without him; I've experienced it, I've lived it, and I've enjoyed it. If anything ever does happen between us, I know that no matter what happens, I will still have myself. I never have to fear the possibility of ever losing him because it has already happened and the experience wasn't horrible. It's the uncertainty of how we would react to future events/possibilities that scare us. However, once we've come to experience it and realize that it wasn't as scary as previously thought, any similar experience/event following it will be taken with ease.
Yes, I forgive him for how he treated me. Do I trust him? I don't know. My trust is something that he has to earn and prove to me that it's something he deserves. What does he have to do to prove himself? I don't know. Just like love, it's something I cannot predict; I'll know it once the thought, "Wow. He's someone I can trust (again)," hits me. Meanwhile, I think it's my friends that he will have the hardest time convincing. Each and everyone of my friends who I have told that B. re-initiated contact, apologized, and is telling me he loves me again were quite skeptical. Some even told me not to buy it and just move on. Perhaps I'm an emotional masochist or perhaps I'm just too forgiving, but I can't stay mad at someone who apologizes... especially someone I still have feelings for.
Sure, I can't trust those that have hurt me as easily, but I will often forgive even the undeserving.
Never underestimate the value of persistence when pursuing intimacy. But you must always put your heart in harm's way for that chance at love. You can have your heart broken for a short period of time or you can have the constant heartache of loneliness for many years if you are afraid of being temporarily hurt. Is he a companion with whom you can have some fun activities or is it just about sex? Do you enjoy being with him all the time? Can you accept that he is imperfect the same as all of us? I think that separating your self-worth from the love of another person is the first step in protecting your heart. If he has contacted you and says he still loves you, and you still love him, is this not worth exploring further? I comment on a few blogs and I usually encourage the blogger to go for it when it comes to love; you only get so many chances for love in this life before everyone is partnered and you are the one left out. bfn - Wayne :)
ReplyDeleteSounds to me that when he loves you, you don't love him, and then what he doesn't love you, you love him. Just sayin'.
ReplyDeleteThe worst thing to be is indecisive.
If you want to do something, you do it.
And if you think you don't know what you want, well I think it's probably BS because everyone deep down has a desire.
I'm just a stranger though, so you don't have to take this seriously if you don't want to. I'm totally out of line, I know. This comment probably sounded extra bitchy.
Forgive him but don't go back to him.
ReplyDeleteTake it slowly, see how what happens and don't rule anything out. Like Wayne says, you don't get an endless number of goes at this. We all make mistakes, give him a chance.
ReplyDeleteMake him work for it :P
ReplyDeleteKFC: One, the first time he told me he loved me was two weeks after we met; it was the first time I told him I didn't feel the same way. I don't think anyone could hold that against me, considering that we had only known each other for two weeks. The current dilemma I am in now is due to the fact that he hurt me. It's not that easy to just make a clear choice, bet I know that I still have feelings for him; the situation is not as clear as a summer's day, as you seem to believe it to be; there are affects that influence one's perceptions. Everyone does have a desire, I agree, but to have one does not mean that one automatically can decide on what it is or for it to be so rigidly clear. Frankly, considering your recent blog posts, it seems as if you're projecting your frustrations onto me (hence your bitchy tone).
ReplyDeleteBilly: Thanks Billy. Yea, at the moment, we're taking it slowly and just talking things through.
Grey: I told him that he has to earn my trust again, he understood and agreed. :)
i like ur posts :) interesting to read it :)
ReplyDeletenice blog! i'm gonna visit it again :)
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