"I'm HIV+"
"I'm HIV+"
"I'm HIV+"
As I stood in front of my bedroom mirror this morning, I whispered the same statement to myself. I was thinking, "Can it be true? Can I really have caught it? What the fuck was I thinking? Why did I do this to myself?" I keep on thinking of what I would do if it were true. Would I tell my parents? My family? Of course not. They would see less of me. I would no longer be their son. I would become the reinforcement to their misconstrued stereotype that all gay men are diseased. Can I do that to them? Can I really take away from them the hope and dreams they have invested in me? I can't. It's the second coming out story I just can't share.
I look in the mirror and the same person as the day before, the day before that, and the days that preceded all these days. I look at myself and see nothing of this disease. I see a 20 year old college student soon to be 21 and soon to be going on an adventure to Europe. On the outside, I'm the same person as before, but internally I could possibly be fighting a battle.
Why did I hook up with this person on Grindr? Why did I hook up with this person grabbing his crotch on the train? I took all these risks for nothing more than an hour's worth of an adrenaline rush. I gave up my identity for the thrill of spontaneity. It's stupid. I'm stupid. I can't stop but blame myself.
It has been two days since both of incidents occurred. Yesterday, after waking up from an hour nap at work, my throat felt sore. It was somewhat difficult for me to swallow compared to usual and the lymph nodes on both sides of my neck were tender. It's so bizarre to think that my symptoms started while I was asleep for an hour. Perhaps it was evident before, but I just did not notice? I was somewhat chilly, are chills a symptom of an STD? I don't know.
I've spent all of last night searching for the incubation period of all the common STDs and trying to figure out when I should get tested. I looked up the early symptoms of each common STD and tried to match it with mine. "Sore throat and swollen lymph nodes...," two out of the six early symptoms of HIV. My search only worries me even more, yet I can't stop as I try to find any reassurance I can of it being nothing more than a cold. My worries make it difficult for me to sleep and I wake up with tight muscles. Great, another symptom: muscle tightness. I try to convince myself that the sore throat/difficulty to swallow is probably just because the second guy kept shoving his dick way past my tonsils: over and over. I made sure to not swallow and I rinsed out my mouth just to make sure (since they tell you not to brush your teeth or anything). Then I try to rationalize the swollen lymph nodes on my neck. Nope, I'm definitely sick. It's just a matter of what I'm sick with.
I'm scared and I'm worried. The incubation period for all the common STDs (along with HIV) is from one week to three months. This means I have to wait at least a week to be accurately tested for some, but not all, STDs. It scares me and it worries me. I keep wondering why I allowed myself to be put at risk. I keep telling myself, "I'm HIV+," in order to prepare myself if it were true. However, if my results do come out positive two or three months from now (with the Nucleic Acid-Based test), nothing can truly prepare me for the emotions I will feel at that point.
This has made me face my own mortality. I am human and I am vulnerable to this world. It's astonishing and I wish it wasn't true... but it is.
I don't think there's anything reassuring one actually say at a moment like this...Just that I hope everything turns out for the better.
ReplyDeleteCalm down KC. Remember that oral sex is outside the body. The tube from your mouth to anus is outside your body; nutrients just pass through and your body absorbs what it needs; acid in the stomach quickly wipes out viruses. From what I have read it is difficult to get AIDS from oral sex cos the virus requires blood-to-blood transmission to cause infection. It usually takes years for AIDS symptoms to show up and I think you just have a cold that is common this time of year.
ReplyDelete-It is best to enjoy casual sex without exchanging bodily fluids, and it would be best to avoid oral sex or deep kissing until you have confirmed the sexual history of your partner and his STDs status. But the main cause of homosexual transmission of the AIDS virus is unprotected butt-pounding sex. It is highly unlikely you will get AIDS from the oral sex incidents even if they were positive.
-AIDs, Hepatitis C, and Herpes are the main STDs for which there is no permanent cure; the rest they can treat if caught in time. Any guy who knows he is HIV positive and has sex without informing his partner could spend serious time in prison. I think you are over-reacting but it is smart to get tested just to make sure. In the future make sure there is no exchange of bodily fluids in casual sex, and confirm the status of a regular (and trustworthy) boyfriend. Anyway I'm sure you will be ok.
-Btw heterosexuals have the same danger from AIDs and STDs, and shouldn't feel they are safe because they are straight. - Wayne (I'm pretty confident you are OK)
I really don't know at this point. I feel lightheaded, I feel warm to the touch, my eyes feel like they're bulging out of their sockets, and my body feels sooo tired. :(
ReplyDeleteI'd say KC has either the only know case of 48-hour AIDS in the world... or a bad cold.
ReplyDeleteI know that your comment is supposed to imply doubt of the possibility. However, there's no need for sarcasm; it's really discouraging. I know it may be an illegitimate fear, but I was afraid nonetheless.
ReplyDeleteI now know that it is unlikely for it to be HIV as the symptoms were gradual, not at the same time.
Sorry. I was just trying to make you chuckle a bit.
ReplyDeleteIt's all right. You can make up for it by writing new blog posts more frequently. :)
ReplyDeleteTo be honest, I think we've all had this experience before. Well I should say that I have, and I shouldn't generalize. As Wayne said I think you just have a cold, but I fully understand what your going through.
ReplyDeleteMany people say that when you become HIV+ you are living with your own mortality because of the disease. But as a human in general, after birth aren't we already?
Sorry for commenting so late, I was just able to read your post. Please post a follow up to tell is when/if your feeling better.
Love,
Pierre
How are you feeling, KC?
ReplyDelete