- How I would benefit from the study abroad program
- What impact would the scholarship have on my study abroad plans
- How my presence in the program would enhance the program environment
- How I plan to finance the trip
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<Edited: October 20th, 2011 @ 4:40pm>
There comes a time in our lives when we realize our responsibility for the world we live in. We come to acknowledge the potential we have to improve society for ourselves and our posterity. From this, a desire is born to learn from a world larger than ourselves and have an proactive influence upon it. From my studies, I hope to learn from the new ideologies, people, and challenges I will encounter. Being a non-native English speaker, I hope to provide a unique perspective that my peers can benefit from. Ultimately, I look forward to embracing the cultural disparities I encounter and hold myself accountable to a world different, but united through a human commonality. I hope to learn, share, and befriend those I come across regardless of physical and political borders.
During my stay at JFRC for the 2012 Spring semester, my expenses (i.e., tuition, room and board, fees, etc.) will be afforded by money I will have raised working a part-time job during the semester preceding my expected departure, a private student loan, and a monetary amount my mother (my only income-earning parent) can contribute. This scholarship would provide me the opportunity to see more of the world (and greater community), in which I wish to be more of an active participant. This scholarship would prove to me that there are people who share and support the same philosophy as I do in improving society through knowledge and its dissemination through education and social interaction.
Sounds like it meets all those criteria so it's hard to say what else to add.
ReplyDeleteIt met the criteria, yes. However, do you think it's worthy of earning a scholarship?
ReplyDelete> and find the splendors in life
ReplyDelete> with those I am akin to regardless
> of physical and political borders
I'm reading this as "Ima get laid", and I approve.
I cannot approve of the objectless "akin to" though. It reads as "akin to regardless"-- a speed bump in the sentence.
Would 'from which my peers can benefit' be better? (I always heard I wasn't supposed to end a sentence with a preposition). In a nutshell you want to broaden your horizons but yeah they want an essay. Sounds good to me. - Wayne :)(Ima get laid lol)
ReplyDeleteK.C. ,
ReplyDelete...... It is as worthy of earning a scholarship as the hundreds of other submissions who will be basically saying the same thing, utilizing similar wording.
IMO, a scholarship is not as much "earned" as it is "won". To win the "hearts and minds" of the academic bots, you gotta hit 'em "between the eyes".
When you go to bed at night and think about your trip abroad, what are you REALLY dreaming about? Generalities - or specifics? If it's always about "culture", then "how so(?)".
..... For example (in my case, I wonder) - How come the people of France eat red meat, drink alcohol, and smoke tobacco in greater quantities; yet have a much lower rate of cardio - pulmonary diseases than the U.S.? Or a poverty stricken, Commie Pinko country like Cuba have a much lower birth rate death than the United states? How much influence does "culture" have over "economics"? Or "economics" over "politics"?
Instead of propagating upon them the Latin phrase "He Knows The Faith", hit 'em with something that will make 'em stop and take notice. What do you have to lose? - - Nothing !
what do you have to gain? ....... At the least - recognition. At the most - quite a bit of "spare change" for an experience into the unexpected.
Good Luck..................... "FOGGY"........
Consider "I hope to provide a unique perspective to the benefit of my peers."
ReplyDeleteFoggy, I think you're definitely right. Unfortunately, I have to include each of the criteria I listed above and keep it at 250 words or less. It kind of limits my freedom to elaborate and be a bit more creative.
ReplyDeleteLightchaser, I think you're right. I like that better. :)
Now that I've had more time, here are the changes I would make. Consider them and take what you will. We're all pulling for you to get the scholarship.
ReplyDelete>> = Original
-- = Suggested
>>There comes a time in our lives when we realize our responsibility for the world we live in.
--[No changes]
>>We come to acknowledge the potential we have to improve society for ourselves and our posterity.
--We come to acknowledge the potential we have to improve society for ourselves and our times.
[NOTE- this is key: THEY want to improve future generations, they want YOU to improve your generation]
>>From this, a desire is born to learn from a world larger than ourselves and have an proactive influence upon it.
--From this is born a to learn from a world larger than ourselves and to influence that world.
>>From my studies, I hope to learn from the new ideologies, people, and challenges I will encounter.
--During my studies, I will seek and learn from new ideologies, people, and challenges.
[NOTE: Consider "ideas" instead of "ideologies"]
>>Being a non-native English speaker, I hope to provide a unique perspective that my peers can benefit from.
--I am a non-native English speaker and I can provide a unique perspective to the benefit of my peers.
>>Ultimately, I look forward to embracing the cultural disparities I encounter and hold myself accountable to a world different, but united through a human commonality.
--Ultimately, I look forward to embracing the cultural differences I encounter and hold myself accountable to a world different, but united through a human commonality.
[NOTE: disparity indicates inequality]
[NOTE: consider “common humanity”]
>>I hope to learn, share, and befriend those I come across regardless of physical and political borders.
--I plan to learn from—and share with-- those I come across and I intend make new friends regardless of physical and political borders.
>> During my stay at JFRC for the 2012 Spring semester, my expenses (i.e., tuition, room and board, fees, etc.) will be afforded by money I will have raised working a part-time job during the semester preceding my expected departure, a private student loan, and a monetary amount my mother (my only income-earning parent) can contribute.
--I will pay my expenses for the 2012 Spring semester at JFRC (i.e., tuition, room and board, fees, etc.) with money I am earning at my part-time job, a private student loan, and a small amount my mother (my only income-earning parent) can contribute.
>>This scholarship would provide me the opportunity to see more of the world (and greater community), in which I wish to be more of an active participant.
--This scholarship provides me the opportunity to see more of the world and actively participate in the greater community.
>>This scholarship would prove to me that there are people who share and support the same philosophy as I do in improving society through knowledge and its dissemination through education and social interaction.
--This scholarship also affirms my belief there are people who share and support the same philosophy I do: improving society with knowledge and its dissemination through education and social interaction.
I really appreciate all your comments and suggestions. Unfortunately, I had to turn it into the international studies office by 3pm, so I wasn't able to consider your changes for the essay.
ReplyDeleteNonetheless, I really appreciate everyone's suggestion. Thank you!