Perhaps Men Aren't Necessary

Since I came to Italy, I've increasingly realized that perhaps I don't need a man to be happy... ever. Sure, it would be great to have someone to come home to, to be intimate with, to help validate our worth, to support us, and to have sex with. However, are those things necessary to be happy? Do I necessarily need to attain these things from a man or various men? Maybe not.

Yesterday was Valentine's Day. Valentine's Day is my favorite holiday out of the whole year. I like it more than Halloween, New Year's, my birthday, and Christmas. I know people, who are single or perhaps even in relationships, that dislike this holiday. I love it not only because it shows me how happy people are in reaffirming their love for each other, but it also allows me to contemplate the self-respect and self love I should have for myself.

This past Valentine's Day, I realized that I'm happy. I'm happy to be surrounded by the friends and acquaintances I have come to possess. I don't really know if I will ever have that one person who would exceptionally love me. I'm fine with that uncertainty because the friends I have right now give me the certainty I need to know that someone will be there, around me, to love and support me.

Last night, my friend and I stayed in instead of going out to the bars. I've always been single and she recently broke up with her boyfriend a few weeks ago (he broke up with her via Skype, which is a shitty move considering that he's back in the U.S. and we're in Italy), so we thought it'd be nice to stay in and watch a movie. We chose to watch Halloween (yes, very fitting, right?) while eating whatever we could find out of the fridge. Yes, imagining it, the latter act seems like something someone would do to compensate for their emotional distress. However, for us, I think we just didn't give a fuck and wanted to indulge ourselves and enjoy each others company. I loved it. Certainly, the fact that it was Valentine's Day was mentioned once or twice between us, but we didn't make a big deal of it. What mattered to us was the company of the other and having a good time no matter the situation.

Sexually, I haven't had sex or been physically intimate with another guy for the past two months. I haven't even jacked off in the past three days (which is notable considering that I usually jack off five times a day, everyday). I'm still a sexual person and I do have a sexual attraction towards men, but I feel more in control of it. Maybe it's the fact that the men here are beautiful by any standards and they can keep entertained amongst themselves, but at the moment I feel that I have greater control of my sexual drive. When the time comes that a man actually shows interest in me, I believe that I'll have the will and power to decide as to whether it would be a worthwhile encounter that would benefit me overall (and not pounce on him because he's the first guy to show interest).

In two weeks and two days, I will be leaving for Morocco and traveling around the country for ten days, on my own. People I've mentioned this to are surprised, perhaps even concerned, that I've decided to travel on my own in a foreign country, especially one like Morocco. I think that it's a trip and journey I need and want to take for myself. I want to actually be alone with my thoughts and emotions in a place that holds no memory of me and perhaps come to a realization of self. Three nights in Marrakesh, two nights in the Sahara Desert, two nights in Fez, one night in Tangier three nights of wherever the wind (and trains) may take me, and back to Marrakech on my last day for my flight back to Rome. Wouldn't it be lovely to say that I traveled to such an exotic place by myself for such a length of time? This is one of those rare moments in which I can say that I'm proud of myself and happy.