Waiting for Life to Begin

This whole time I've been waiting for life to begin. I've been in Europe for the past two months, yet it all still seems unreal to me. It's not the fact that I cannot believe that I'm here, but the fact that I feel no connection to this place. I feel no desire to be here. This whole time I've wondered when it would finally hit me that I'm in Italy. I asked myself, "When will it happen?" When will I fully realize my presence in Rome, in Italy, in Europe? I only have about six weeks left and I still feel detached from this city.

My attention is always to a different place, to Chicago. In Paris and Marrakesh, I felt my heart and mind were in the right place. However, here, I feel displaced. I feel nothing. I've stood in the center of St. Peter's Square and of St. Peter's Basilica at the Vatican. I've looked up at the frescoes of the Sistine Chapel and seen the Coliseum. However, none of them have affected me. I look at them with a blank stare and a heart that does not feel a deeper beat. I wonder if there is something wrong with me. Or perhaps I'm looking for something that is not there?

I've become frustrated with my disconnect. My constant frustration has made me bitter. I've come to detest this city. My attention has focused more and more on the things about this city that irks me. The slow internet speed is unbearable. I can't access porn due to program blockers put up by my school. All fast-food places close by midnight if not earlier. There is no definite place for gay people to come together and hang out. The lack of variety in food. The high cost of everything. The night life is pretty bland here. Fashion and culture are homogenous in comparison to that back home.

Most of all, I miss my friends back home. I see all their pictures online. All of them hanging out together and looking so happy. I sometimes wonder to myself, "Do they remember me?" Yes, it may be selfish of me considering that I have this opportunity to see a totally different part of the world whilst they are still at home. Nonetheless, I wonder if they think of me. I also fear that I will be filled with regret in the end. To only realize the opportunity I have once I am departed from this place. To have my mind set on this place only when I can no longer be here.