So, it's technically about an hour into Tuesday, but I'll be writing this post as if it's still Monday. I'm tired and I know I should go to sleep, but I thought I'd write a thing or two; I'd feel so frickin' guilty if I get out of habit of writing... as I did in my previous attempts to restarts my blog(s).
Anyways, today (Monday) was a pretty decent day. Went to all my classes, which I am really proud of. Realized that perhaps I should take more responsibility for my actions and not ditch one class to finish my homework/projects for another; I should just suck it up and accept the consequences of my laziness and procrastination. Anyways, I just thought of this: it's easier for my to ditch class in order to finish a project for another class rather than to go to my class empty-handed since the saliency of being in a class empty-handed feels more shameful compared to one's absence from class, where there is no imposing consequence. Anyways, yea, there's my academic ramble.
Today, I met up with a high school buddy of mine, someone I haven't talked to since my Freshman year of high school. We lost contact for various reasons, mainly because he was an annoying, immature prick at that point. Luckily, it seems like he has changed. He's more considerate, friendly, socially mature, and definitely way hotter. I asked him if I had changed since he last saw me five or so years ago. He said no, which I suspected since I look in the mirror and still see the same kid from five years ago, whereas he seems to have improved so much: physically and personality-wise. I guess in a way I want to improve myself too, I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. Sure, retrograding isn't a problem, but I also don't want to just stay stagnant. I feel like I've gotten through life by being decent looking, average intelligence, etc. I want to look back five years or even a year from now and see major positive improvements in myself: I want to reach my fullest potential, which I don't believe I have. I know confidence plays a big role as well since it seems like confidence gives people a certain glow to them, something I think I once had.
I guess, at this point, I need to put action behind my words.
Kenny
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Sunday, October 24, 2010
Visage
I always wondered what it meant to be pretty, to be handsome, to be beautiful. I always believed that there is something beautiful about someone. Even if they're not breathtaking, they have at least one thing they could be complimented on. Yet when I reflect on myself, I can see the things I want to appreciate, yet I can't get myself to do so.
I look in the mirror and I see the things I like, but then my mind turn to thoughts on how others would perceive me. I wonder whether people outside of myself, beyond my own sights, would see what I see. I wonder if they would see beauty. Of course, it's irrational of me to believe that there is some sort of universal opinion as to whether someone is beautiful or whatnot. I mean, there are those that automatically catch our attention and there are those that we can give a few compliments to. I know that I'm not the former, but to think that what we can attain, even if it is something we never truly had control over, is limited to the latter, it's upsetting at the least.
Is it possible to see beauty in oneself? Is it possible to find that belief and self-sufficiently fuel it with no dependency on those external to us? I've come across a few people that seem to not give a shit about what others think and find confidence within themselves, yet through an internal perspective, I feel as if everything I believe, feel, and see is based on external opinion; specifically, how I see myself. I want to believe that I'm someone of worth, someone worth loving, someone who deserves to be happy, someone who is beautiful. Yet contrary to my desires, I feel as if my worth as a person, my worth as a beloved, whether I deserve to be happy or not, and whether I am attractive all depends on how others see me... Is it possible to find worth in ourselves? To see ourselves as being worthy and beautiful even if the world disagrees?
I look in the mirror and I see the things I like, but then my mind turn to thoughts on how others would perceive me. I wonder whether people outside of myself, beyond my own sights, would see what I see. I wonder if they would see beauty. Of course, it's irrational of me to believe that there is some sort of universal opinion as to whether someone is beautiful or whatnot. I mean, there are those that automatically catch our attention and there are those that we can give a few compliments to. I know that I'm not the former, but to think that what we can attain, even if it is something we never truly had control over, is limited to the latter, it's upsetting at the least.
Is it possible to see beauty in oneself? Is it possible to find that belief and self-sufficiently fuel it with no dependency on those external to us? I've come across a few people that seem to not give a shit about what others think and find confidence within themselves, yet through an internal perspective, I feel as if everything I believe, feel, and see is based on external opinion; specifically, how I see myself. I want to believe that I'm someone of worth, someone worth loving, someone who deserves to be happy, someone who is beautiful. Yet contrary to my desires, I feel as if my worth as a person, my worth as a beloved, whether I deserve to be happy or not, and whether I am attractive all depends on how others see me... Is it possible to find worth in ourselves? To see ourselves as being worthy and beautiful even if the world disagrees?
Friday, October 22, 2010
Family
I'm currently visiting my family back in the suburbs. It's been about three weeks since I've come to see them. To tell you the truth, it's a little more stressful to be here. I feel more constrained and upset when I'm here. Just too much negative energy I guess.
I recently quit my food service just because I felt like my heart was no longer in it and I didn't really feel like it's leading me anywhere. I thought it'd be best to focus more on possibly looking for some volunteer work or internships that would be more relevant to my current field of study (psychology).
Once I told my mother that I had quit from my job, she was actually pretty elated. She never really liked the idea of me working, some sort of maternal pride I guess. But in any case, she told me that she'd financially support me and that I should focus on my academic work.
And now, here we are, dear reader, sitting in my parent's dining room. Well, at least I am, but you know what I mean. Just found out that my parents are claiming bankruptcy, so that pretty much made me worry of my own finances; the word bankruptcy pretty much contradicts what my mother said about financially supporting me while I'm in school. I should start looking for a job.
But in any case, here I am. It has been at least 24 hours since I had gone to sleep. Why you might ask? Due to an illness I have called procrastination. No early onset symptoms, but when it gets to a cyclic stage called "DUE DATES" bags under the eyes due to all-nighters, coffee-stained teeth, and skin just looking really dreadful due to the lack of sleep and overdose in caffeine. I jest. I'm sure you knew that.
Kind of ironic though that I finished my paper just on time only to realize that my professor pushed the deadline back by 24 hrs. Silly Billy. In any case, yea, let's leave it at that.
I recently quit my food service just because I felt like my heart was no longer in it and I didn't really feel like it's leading me anywhere. I thought it'd be best to focus more on possibly looking for some volunteer work or internships that would be more relevant to my current field of study (psychology).
Once I told my mother that I had quit from my job, she was actually pretty elated. She never really liked the idea of me working, some sort of maternal pride I guess. But in any case, she told me that she'd financially support me and that I should focus on my academic work.
And now, here we are, dear reader, sitting in my parent's dining room. Well, at least I am, but you know what I mean. Just found out that my parents are claiming bankruptcy, so that pretty much made me worry of my own finances; the word bankruptcy pretty much contradicts what my mother said about financially supporting me while I'm in school. I should start looking for a job.
But in any case, here I am. It has been at least 24 hours since I had gone to sleep. Why you might ask? Due to an illness I have called procrastination. No early onset symptoms, but when it gets to a cyclic stage called "DUE DATES" bags under the eyes due to all-nighters, coffee-stained teeth, and skin just looking really dreadful due to the lack of sleep and overdose in caffeine. I jest. I'm sure you knew that.
Kind of ironic though that I finished my paper just on time only to realize that my professor pushed the deadline back by 24 hrs. Silly Billy. In any case, yea, let's leave it at that.
Thursday, October 21, 2010
Qui Suis-Je?
Who am I?
Am I an asshole, a bitch, a charmer, an altruistic man? Can't I be all of that at one point or another? Perhaps all at the same time? I must admit though, it was far more difficult for me to come up with positive descriptions like "altruistic man" than to come up with "asshole" or "bitch". Perhaps it means something? Perhaps not. Who knows.
But seriously, who am I?
People will surely put labels on us in order to convince us that we are who they think we are. But is that what our identities are contingent upon? Partially? Wholly? They say that people outside of ourselves are more accurate in reading who we are. What does that mean really? Our personalities, our intentions, or who they think we are in terms of their own affects? If it's the last one, then are they really that much more accurate in identifying who we are than we are in identifying ourselves?
Honestly, at this point, I guess I'm just rambling. I apologize, let me get back on the subject. What I'm saying is, I want to stop perceiving the words of others as truth and fact in terms of who I am. I want to look within myself and meet and learn the person that I inherently am before I let others define me. Is that possible though? Is it possible to find ourselves in an internal vacuum of mental space, absent of labels, external influence, and the sorts and find our true, innate self-interests? Or are we truly constructs of our social interactions?
Perhaps the latter is true, but that doesn't mean the former is absolutely false, right? I guess in a sense, with both questions combined, my question is: Am I strong enough to mold the person I am with just as much (if not more) certainty and conviction as others do in their attempts to mold those outside of themselves?
I guess that's a question that you, dear reader, will accompany me in finding the answer to.
Am I an asshole, a bitch, a charmer, an altruistic man? Can't I be all of that at one point or another? Perhaps all at the same time? I must admit though, it was far more difficult for me to come up with positive descriptions like "altruistic man" than to come up with "asshole" or "bitch". Perhaps it means something? Perhaps not. Who knows.
But seriously, who am I?
People will surely put labels on us in order to convince us that we are who they think we are. But is that what our identities are contingent upon? Partially? Wholly? They say that people outside of ourselves are more accurate in reading who we are. What does that mean really? Our personalities, our intentions, or who they think we are in terms of their own affects? If it's the last one, then are they really that much more accurate in identifying who we are than we are in identifying ourselves?
Honestly, at this point, I guess I'm just rambling. I apologize, let me get back on the subject. What I'm saying is, I want to stop perceiving the words of others as truth and fact in terms of who I am. I want to look within myself and meet and learn the person that I inherently am before I let others define me. Is that possible though? Is it possible to find ourselves in an internal vacuum of mental space, absent of labels, external influence, and the sorts and find our true, innate self-interests? Or are we truly constructs of our social interactions?
Perhaps the latter is true, but that doesn't mean the former is absolutely false, right? I guess in a sense, with both questions combined, my question is: Am I strong enough to mold the person I am with just as much (if not more) certainty and conviction as others do in their attempts to mold those outside of themselves?
I guess that's a question that you, dear reader, will accompany me in finding the answer to.
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