Familial Homophobia

Earlier tonight I was watching Glee with my eight year old sister. At some point, a scene came on where Kurt (the gay guy) was interacting with Finn (the sensitive jock). After seeing Kurt make a few comments to Finn, she randomly commented, "Eww, did you know he's gay (referring to Kurt)? He moves like a girl." I simply gave her an affirmative response, which she responded to by asking, "Are you gay?" Again, I gave her a simple answer, "Yes." Her response should have been obvious to me, but for some reason I was taken aback when she responded with, "Ew." The most salient thoughts I had in mind at that point was, "Oh God, is she going to tell my parents that I told her I was gay? Where is this going to lead? Did she seriously respond in revulsion to me being gay?"

Sure, children around the age of my sister are repulsed by the very idea of attraction between two people, but this was different. My sister's reaction was not a response to the idea of two people being attracted to one another and contracting cooties, but to the particular concept of two men having mutual interest in each other. How can a child react with such disapproval and/or disgust? As the concepts of dichotomous systems of sex and gender are social constructs, I can confidently say that her response was not an inherent reaction, but something socially learned. Who could she have learned such a response from?

One person came to mind as to who my little could have learned modeled her response from: our father. Throughout my childhood, and even to this day, my father refers to people (whether they be acquaintances or strangers) that seem effeminate or who are confirmed homosexuals as "bakla." In my native language, "bakla" means gay or homosexual, but it holds a more negative connotation in comparison to the English word "gay" or "homosexual." Frankly, there is no word in our native language that objectively means to be individuals (specifically men) that are attracted to the same sex/gender.  Bakla doesn't just hold this definition, but is also followed by the implication of weakness, femininity, and perhaps even sexual deviance. 

My parents have never directly expressed to my little sister their disapproval of homosexuality, but nonetheless, I know that my sister has picked up on their attitudes towards homosexuals. Children are easily influenced by the social microsystem they inhabit; as they perceive how those closest to them react to certain individuals and situations, they interpret those reactionary behaviors as relative social norms or even as the "correct" response.

It's interesting and disappointing at the same time as my family knows (whether we speak of it or not) that I am gay. Even with this in mind, my parents' homophobic attitude has not changed even when confronted by their son's homosexual identity. I am gay, but to them I am not a part of such a group identity, but an exception. They accept me as their son, but they do not accept a facet of my identity that has a salient presence in my life. Therefore, conceptually, for them, gay people are still repulsive and I am just an exception to such a judgment.

From time to time I hear would my father exclaim how a person on the television is "bakla," expressing a negative opinion of the person through the word's negative implications rather than the latter's alleged sexuality. It hurts to hear him make these statements even though he's talking about me. It hurts because in a sense he is indirectly expressing an opinion of me. If a gay person that is not me is as repulsive as he claims or acts towards them, then without the condition of being his son, does he not hold the same opinion of me? For I am also gay?

I truly do believe that it is too late to change and/or improve my father's opinion of homosexuality. He is a bigot, a sexist, and a racist, traits he is not ashamed to display. I just hope that it is not too late for my sister; I am her older brother and it would be heartbreaking if my little sister came to hold the same opinions as my father, considering that I basically raised her from when she was an infant.

Les Amis

So, it's technically about an hour into Tuesday, but I'll be writing this post as if it's still Monday. I'm tired and I know I should go to sleep, but I thought I'd write a thing or two; I'd feel so frickin' guilty if I get out of habit of writing... as I did in my previous attempts to restarts my blog(s).

Anyways, today (Monday) was a pretty decent day. Went to all my classes, which I am really proud of. Realized that perhaps I should take more responsibility for my actions and not ditch one class to finish my homework/projects for another; I should just suck it up and accept the consequences of my laziness and procrastination. Anyways, I just thought of this: it's easier for my to ditch class in order to finish a project for another class rather than to go to my class empty-handed since the saliency of being in a class empty-handed feels more shameful compared to one's absence from class, where there is no imposing consequence. Anyways, yea, there's my academic ramble.

Today, I met up with a high school buddy of mine, someone I haven't talked to since my Freshman year of high school. We lost contact for various reasons, mainly because he was an annoying, immature prick at that point. Luckily, it seems like he has changed. He's more considerate, friendly, socially mature, and definitely way hotter. I asked him if I had changed since he last saw me five or so years ago. He said no, which I suspected since I look in the mirror and still see the same kid from five years ago, whereas he seems to have improved so much: physically and personality-wise. I guess in a way I want to improve myself too, I don't want to be the same kid I was back then. Sure, retrograding isn't a problem, but I also don't want to just stay stagnant. I feel like I've gotten through life by being decent looking, average intelligence, etc. I want to look back five years or even a year from now and see major positive improvements in myself: I want to reach my fullest potential, which I don't believe I have. I know confidence plays a big role as well since it seems like confidence gives people a certain glow to them, something I think I once had.


I guess, at this point, I need to put action behind my words.
Kenny