Holding Out for the Hero

We are all aware of a common occurrence where an eligible bachelor(ette) has to choose between the good guy and the bad boy/rebel. In movies we find the bachelor(ette) choosing the bad boy for the good guy, often after realizing that the bad boy is actually the more virtuous of the two. When this isn't the case and the characters are far more black and white, we find the good guy winning in the end of the story.

Realistically, though, we know this isn't how the story unfolds. Often, if not always, it's the good guy that gets left behind. A friend of mine once mentioned a movie called The Last American Virgin, which I believe sums up the more realistic good guy/bad boy dilemma. In the movie, the bad boy character (Rick) gets a girl pregnant and leaves her. The good guy (Gary) voluntarily takes care of the girl and actually endures through certain struggles in order to express his love for her, which she apparently reciprocates. In the end, she goes back to Rick, the guy that got her pregnant and left her, while the Gary, good guy, is left heartbroken.

Why do we (voluntarily) fall prey to the person/people that hurt us, manipulate us, and take advantage of us? In turn, why do we disregard the person that shows us genuine love, consideration, and kindness? Is it due the thrill and sense of adventure that we may possibly feel when we're with the "bad boy"? Are we such masochists that we sacrifice what we always professed as our desire for true love in order to be subjugated to emotional and physical distress? If so, why? How did things get so twisted?

Personally, there were three men that came into my life, who I now consider to have been "good guys". The first one was when I was sixteen, the other when I was eighteen, and B. is someone I am currently in a situation with. I tried to push them all away. I always rationalized my actions by telling myself that it was for the best, that I was consciously testing them; if they didn't rise to the occasion, then they weren't the one for me. Was this true though? Was I really attempting to push them away in order to see whether they'd actually stay? Or was just lying to myself?

It was not until B. confronted me with something that I had always known, but never truly acknowledged. His exact words were:

It seems to me that you're so used to being treated like shit, that when someone finally treats you the way a person should be treated, you don't know how to react and you push people away. That's one of your flaws; you attract poisonous people that take advantage of you, get what they want and then toss you in the trash. That's all you've ever known and probably all you ever will know unless you get your shit together. Yes, I have a lot of flaws... god knows I do. Sure, I might be a doormat or passive, but in all honesty, you're the only one that seems to have a problem with it.

He was right. I had become so accustomed to being treated badly, starting from the very first boy I fell in love with when I was fourteen, that I came to associate "love" with maltreatment. When a man would push me around (jokingly one guy would say), act cold towards me, or only call me for his benefit, it attracted me. Somehow, I perceived their behavior and attitude towards me as an expression of love, which I now realize is just so wrong. I've fallen for cheaters, abusers, flakes, and sociopaths (yes, I did date a real sociopath once), whereas "the gentleman", that guy that treats me fairly and as an equal person, was never given a chance.

I know, it's stupid of me as I would always tell myself that the good guy will just turn out like the rest after getting what he wants from me, yet none of my conclusions were supported by facts. On the contrary, it's actually the men that I did fall for that treated me badly, while the men I should have given a chance to simply walked away, were pushed away by me, or couldn't do anything else but watch on the sidelines as I would get myself hurt, over and over again.


Frankly, it scares me. As I've always associated my ideal for love with maltreatment, I don't really know how to react when a guy finally does offer me true, genuine love. As abuse and distress were the only things I've ever received, love outside of movies, love that I could actually feel without having to imagine is a foreign concept to me. It scares me as it always had, but if I don't heed B.'s words, which I know are true, I'll only further subjugate myself to more pain and never realize what it truly means to be loved. Now, here's my chance to turn things around.