Yesterday evening, B. came over to visit overnight. This time, contrary to previous times he has visited, it was just the two of us: no ex-boyfriends or groups of friends tagging along. It was a very nice night actually. He came over, we hung around my place for a bit with my roommate and his friend, we cuddled for about an hour or so, then we got sushi for dinner. As I stated in one of my previous posts, things never really aligned for B. and me, due to situational causes that would arise when he would visit. This time, things worked out well as we were able to focus on one another and enjoy each others company.
A momentous point during his whole visit was when we were cuddling. He asked me if I wanted to try out a relationship with him. My reply to him was, "No." I felt guilty for giving him the answer I knew he didn't want. I felt as if I was driven to try and explain my response in every way I could hoping that at some point I'd no longer feel guilty. I told him that I don't want to enter into a relationship because (1) I don't have the same feelings for him as he has for me and (2) I honestly can't see myself entering into a relationship anytime soon.
The first reason was the hardest for me to explain and was the major source of my guilt. I told him that I don't feel the same way for him as he feels for me and if we're not on the same page, I honestly don't see it working out. I believe that it would be unfair to the both of us if I decide to go into a relationship and bet on the possibility that I would reciprocate his love for me someday; the contrary is also a possibility. Also, to do so feels like I would only be forcing myself into a situation that should naturally fall into place. I know that he and I believe that love should never be forced; to enter into a relationship I don't have an independent desire for, in hopes of "possibly" aligning our perception of one another, would contradict our mutual philosophy on love.
The agreement to enter into an intimate, exclusive relationship should spring from the present desires, relevant ideologies, and intimate emotions that both parties should already mutually share. Entrance into a relationship shouldn't precede the elements that construct and support it (i.e. intimate desire, mutual desire to enter an intimate relationship, etc.). I feel as if to enter into a relationship with B. would have been a contradiction of the former statement that I hold as a philosophy on relationships. I don't believe in entering an intimate relationship to develop love; it should be love that develops an intimate relationship.
I tried to articulate to him all that I have just written in order to explain why I said no, but a part of me still felt guilty. A part of me still felt unconvinced that he understood my refusal to enter into a relationship with him was not a willful decision. It was a decision based on the idea that as the elements that would constitute a desire for an intimate relationship was not in the present situation for me, it would not be beneficial, perhaps even detrimental to our relationship as friends.
During my whole conversation with him, I realized that I never really desired a relationship. Even from the moment I realized my homosexuality, being in a relationship with another man was something I came to idealize. My homosexuality became a central focal point of my identity. As a result, anything that would be associated with expressing my identity as a homosexual became a central focal point of my attention and desires (e.g., my self-portrayal and attaining a boyfriend, respectively).
In a way, I surrendered control over myself from the very beginning, which made it easier for others to take advantage of me. For so many years until recently, my desire for a significant other enabled other men to easily exploit me. I let others use and abuse me because I thought it'd help me get closer to attaining a boyfriend. My self-worth and my motivation for life became contingent on other men. Perhaps the events of the past have made me cynical and/or jaded; I don't know if there's anything I can do to undo that, unfortunately.
On a more positive note, I believe I've regained control of myself. I've become consciously aware of the fact that my reason to live, my motivation to move through the world, shouldn't be dependent on men and how they perceive me, whatsoever. Yes, I still believe in love, but to let my actions be directed by my ideals, isn't beneficial. Sure, I'm not necessarily fond of hooking up and/or one-night stands, but the ones I've recently had have taught me something. In the past, I hooked up with guys who promised me love and relationships, which they obviously never fulfilled. Recently, I have hooked up with men fully knowing and accepting what the act would entail, the consequence, and what I would realistically receive from it. I feel more in control and aware of my environment and the things that happen to and around me.
I'm not saying that I'll be hooking up with men more frequently, but I've become more realistic of the world we live in. I've just become more cognizant of my agency and I want to exercise my agency as a single individual. I have not lived life with the awareness of a single man, therefore how can I successfully be in a relationship and live intimately with another if I have not lived for myself?
I am a single gay man, but first and foremost I am simply an individual with agency.
Well said.
ReplyDeleteI dunno; are you over-thinking it? Why does it have to be suddenly a hard-core 'relationship' thing? Young guys like their freedom and are fearful of someone else trying to be controlling. To my mind it should start as a good friendship that evolves over time, cos it takes a long time for all the warts to come out for both people. But if you are going with someone who shows signs of using or abusing you then you should immediately nip it in the bud cos no one deserves that crap. Maybe it would be better to say to Third 'let's stay good friends and see where it goes'. I am a retired gay guy (in good shape for my age thank you) and I now know that hindsight is 20/20. I think that anyone my age can look back at the 'one that I let get away' and regret it. But you just don't know it at the time. bfn - Wayne :)
ReplyDeleteThat's a dilemma I have always come across with men. Either it is initially decided that something will stay as a friendship or there would at least be an inkling of hope of the relationship turning into something more intimate. Of course, this is not a dichotomous system I willfully constructed; it seems as if the guys that come my way want a blueprint of where things are going or how they will go in the long run.
ReplyDeleteAt the same time though, I don't want to give false hope. In the case of the Third, he asked me if it would be a future possibility for the both of us to enter into an intimate relationship together. It would have been quite naive of me to say yes and disregard the likelihood that he would inevitably believe an intimate relationship is concretely fixed in the future. Therefore, I told him that I solely want to focus on our friendship and disregard any expectations, to just focus on what we have and play it by ear.
The men I've met, and even myself, perhaps people in general, desire certainty. I'd rather give him and myself, the certainty that we will stay friends by consciously staying as such, instead of handing him uncertain hope that may leave him feeling deceived if things don't go a certain direction.
Frankly, the greatest regret I've ever held has been sacrificing my own well-being and interests in order to satisfy another. Who knows how long "the guy that got away" would have stayed around or if he would've treated me well? All that we can absolutely be certain of is the fact that we will always have ourselves, therefore we must never give up that sense of self or love for ourselves because it's the only love we can be truly certain of.
Thank you for the response and I do hope to hear from you again.
KC
Amen to that fourth paragraph in the comment there.
ReplyDeleteA-fucking-men.
And don't feel guilty. You made a logical decision.