Reality recently hit me. I'm basically an adult now. It didn't hit me until I went to my first day of school yesterday. For the previous two years, I've been living on campus and just coming back home for the summer. Now that I'm commuting from home, everything seems so different... more real.
I guess this is how the real world feels; living a few miles away from all your friends instead of living in the same building or even just across campus from one another. I no longer belong to that environment of quasi-reality, where everyone lives within this small bubble between childhood naivety and the unfiltered reality. It feels weird. It feels kind of sad. I realized that childhood isn't a part of life that gracefully fades away, but something that you one day just realize is no longer a part of you. It's not scary, just sad and brings up a sense of nostalgia.
This year didn't start off as exciting as last year, and last year wasn't as exciting as my freshman year. We're truly adults now and it's surprising. In just a little over a year, I'll either have a full-time job or be living in the streets. One of my friends will give birth to her baby in less than a year... She'll be giving birth to the next generation, the generation that will take our place. No more will there be three month summer vacations. Instead, there will be the two weeks per year sort of vacations.
Life shouldn't be like that. It shouldn't feel like this... Why does it feel like a part of my life is ending? I no longer feel the excitement I felt when high school ended, where I looked forward to what was coming next. Now, I just await the uncertainty of the coming tomorrows.
Tuesday, August 30, 2011
Sunday, August 28, 2011
I Went Blond
As the title says, I went blond. I made a friend at work the other day. We sat at the same table during our group exercise, and we bonded over the fact that we went to the same school.
Yesterday, when she said she wanted to dye her hair, I jumped on the chance and said I wanted to as well. We picked up a few items at a beauty supply store after work and went to her dorm to do it. I looked pretty silly wearing nothing but my pants, a garbage bag over my torso, and a grocery bag over my head (I couldn't risk getting my clothes dyed and I brought no spare since it was all spontaneous).
It's welcome week, so everyone at my friends' dorm was new and every five or so minutes, someone just had to come by and say hello. And what did they see? Some boy in a garbage bag and a plastic bag for a head wrap sitting at the corner of a girl's dorm room watching Futurama. If I was on the other side of the situation, I would have done the same thing each of them did: look for a few seconds too long and look away without mentioning it.
Anyways, the plan was to lighten my hair a bit with bleach before dyeing it a light auburn brown, so the purple-reddish hues of the color would be more prominent. We thought the color would lighten to just a simple shade of chestnut brown. Once I took off the bag, my head was golden yellow. I decided against using the hair dye for a few days just to see if I like the blond effect. What do you all think?
And to think that I did all this with a girl I met less than 48 hours ago. This will be a very interesting semester.
Yesterday, when she said she wanted to dye her hair, I jumped on the chance and said I wanted to as well. We picked up a few items at a beauty supply store after work and went to her dorm to do it. I looked pretty silly wearing nothing but my pants, a garbage bag over my torso, and a grocery bag over my head (I couldn't risk getting my clothes dyed and I brought no spare since it was all spontaneous).
It's welcome week, so everyone at my friends' dorm was new and every five or so minutes, someone just had to come by and say hello. And what did they see? Some boy in a garbage bag and a plastic bag for a head wrap sitting at the corner of a girl's dorm room watching Futurama. If I was on the other side of the situation, I would have done the same thing each of them did: look for a few seconds too long and look away without mentioning it.
Anyways, the plan was to lighten my hair a bit with bleach before dyeing it a light auburn brown, so the purple-reddish hues of the color would be more prominent. We thought the color would lighten to just a simple shade of chestnut brown. Once I took off the bag, my head was golden yellow. I decided against using the hair dye for a few days just to see if I like the blond effect. What do you all think?
And to think that I did all this with a girl I met less than 48 hours ago. This will be a very interesting semester.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Let Go
My esthetician told me that I need to get my stress in check. She said that the source of my problem is predominantly a combination of the day-to-day stress I experience and the constant shifts in weather. She advised that since I can't control the weather, I need to keep my stress in check. She added that puberty is probably no longer the primary culprit in making my hormones go haywire, but constant stress. It makes sense.
I'm neurotic. I worry about things that I know are out of my control. I've always thought of the worst case scenario when walking into situations, thinking that I'm preparing myself. I'm always living in my head trying to over analyze the world outside of it. I constantly try to predict how the world perceives me, when in truth what the world thinks of me is not my business. The gist of it is that I just need to let go.
In a few days, I'll be starting school. In a few months, I'll be leaving for Rome. It's time to let go of the things that should not and do not matter. I need to get a grasp of who I am and what is truly important.
I'm neurotic. I worry about things that I know are out of my control. I've always thought of the worst case scenario when walking into situations, thinking that I'm preparing myself. I'm always living in my head trying to over analyze the world outside of it. I constantly try to predict how the world perceives me, when in truth what the world thinks of me is not my business. The gist of it is that I just need to let go.
In a few days, I'll be starting school. In a few months, I'll be leaving for Rome. It's time to let go of the things that should not and do not matter. I need to get a grasp of who I am and what is truly important.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
What is this Person?
I gave him another chance. Brandon that is. He message me on Facebook that he wanted me back in his life. He said he needed me in his life in whatever way he could possibly have me. He just wanted me to be a part of it. I tried once, then a second time, then this third time. I don't think it's going to work out whatsoever.
He annoys me. He aggravates me. He says shit that I question and bring to his attention, yet all I'm met with is deliberately imposed silence.
He tells me he no longer wants to be a counseling psychologist because he can't stand listening to people's problems anymore (referring to his friends and acquaintances approaching him for advice). He tells me constantly whenever we hang that he's dumbfounded as to why people come to him with their problems. He professes himself as being so approachable and how it's a problem because it allows people to think that he cares about their problems. I found this quite insulting. I found it quite hypocritical as well when he would complain to me about his friends complaining to him, then bashing them for it. I confronted him about it each and every time he brought up the subject.
Every time he did this, I would ask him if he has ever actually directly told these people that he is not interested in listening to them, and that he'd prefer not to have them come to him for their problems. His response, no, he has never approached the situation in such a manner. How has he approached the situation? By listening to these people express themselves from beginning to end, without voicing his disagreement, then complaining to his others friends about these people. He claims he's just too nice to tell them. Wait. Hold on. Too nice to tell them? This is the same person who also constantly claims to be a cold-hearted, bitch that is not afraid to tell people what they think, right? This is the same person that blatantly states that he is far more intelligent than those around him and that he has a problem finding people as intelligent as him to have a conversation with?
When I challenge his opinions and refute every discrepancy in his argument (basically demanding him to show me the strength of what he stand for) wouldn't you consider that an attempt at an intelligent conversation? Yet he falls short. When I ask, "Have you ever told these people how you feel about them coming to you for their problems, when you don't want to listen?" When he always answered no, I asked, "Why?" I was often met with silence. He would blatantly ignore most of my inquiries toward his illogical statements, yet he would reply to those who simply agreed with his logic or at least not disagree with him.
He often plays the victim and says that he's given so much to being a good friend to everyone, yet he's often given nothing in return. What kind of friend complains about not receiving anything in return? If you're not receiving anything, you have bad friends. If you expect anything out of good-will, then it's not genuine and YOU are not a good friend.
I'm done giving chances. Now let us all listen to Adele's song "Tired". Pretty upbeat song, surprisingly.
He annoys me. He aggravates me. He says shit that I question and bring to his attention, yet all I'm met with is deliberately imposed silence.
He tells me he no longer wants to be a counseling psychologist because he can't stand listening to people's problems anymore (referring to his friends and acquaintances approaching him for advice). He tells me constantly whenever we hang that he's dumbfounded as to why people come to him with their problems. He professes himself as being so approachable and how it's a problem because it allows people to think that he cares about their problems. I found this quite insulting. I found it quite hypocritical as well when he would complain to me about his friends complaining to him, then bashing them for it. I confronted him about it each and every time he brought up the subject.
Every time he did this, I would ask him if he has ever actually directly told these people that he is not interested in listening to them, and that he'd prefer not to have them come to him for their problems. His response, no, he has never approached the situation in such a manner. How has he approached the situation? By listening to these people express themselves from beginning to end, without voicing his disagreement, then complaining to his others friends about these people. He claims he's just too nice to tell them. Wait. Hold on. Too nice to tell them? This is the same person who also constantly claims to be a cold-hearted, bitch that is not afraid to tell people what they think, right? This is the same person that blatantly states that he is far more intelligent than those around him and that he has a problem finding people as intelligent as him to have a conversation with?
When I challenge his opinions and refute every discrepancy in his argument (basically demanding him to show me the strength of what he stand for) wouldn't you consider that an attempt at an intelligent conversation? Yet he falls short. When I ask, "Have you ever told these people how you feel about them coming to you for their problems, when you don't want to listen?" When he always answered no, I asked, "Why?" I was often met with silence. He would blatantly ignore most of my inquiries toward his illogical statements, yet he would reply to those who simply agreed with his logic or at least not disagree with him.
He often plays the victim and says that he's given so much to being a good friend to everyone, yet he's often given nothing in return. What kind of friend complains about not receiving anything in return? If you're not receiving anything, you have bad friends. If you expect anything out of good-will, then it's not genuine and YOU are not a good friend.
I'm done giving chances. Now let us all listen to Adele's song "Tired". Pretty upbeat song, surprisingly.
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Love Thyself
I need time to discover myself. I've spent so much time trying to find people to attach myself to that I lost my senses in all the chaos. I forgot that I could be a stand alone person that others could gravitate to. A person others can identify with instead of identifying myself in relation to others. I allowed myself to be blown here and there, back and forth by the opinions and criticisms of others. I lost myself, my sense of pride and respect for the person that I am... Whoever that may be.
I tried to find love in others without realizing that I couldn't love them. In my eyes, showing that I needed them was love. I honestly didn't know what love was. Perhaps I still don't. I told men that I wanted them, desired them, needed them. Is that love? To want and desire for the sole sake of having, but have nothing to offer? No. It can't be. It no longer makes sense to me.
I need to love myself in order to know what I can offer. In order to know what I'm worth. I'm still learning. It's a path I've rarely taken, if at all. Sure, I've avoided harm, pain, and heartache, but is that love? Could I call it love when all that has driven me are my superficial desires directed towards another and the avoidance of harm? Did I ever think to offer myself to myself? Did I ever think to give myself the pleasures that I wanted from others? How foolish was I to not look to myself for the simplest yet most enigmatic of things? Love.
I am capable of love. Everyone is. I think so, at least. However, I never asked myself if I could be capable of loving myself. To love oneself. It sounds good, doesn't it? A perpetuating cycle of confidence, validation, strength, happiness, and hope. Could that be right? Can I define self-love as that? The will to give oneself undeterred hope for the future, validation of worth, and all-encompassing happiness? Who would get in my way? It would be a relationship between me... and me. It's beautiful. I want it for myself.
To want such beautiful things for myself. That's the first step right?
I tried to find love in others without realizing that I couldn't love them. In my eyes, showing that I needed them was love. I honestly didn't know what love was. Perhaps I still don't. I told men that I wanted them, desired them, needed them. Is that love? To want and desire for the sole sake of having, but have nothing to offer? No. It can't be. It no longer makes sense to me.
I need to love myself in order to know what I can offer. In order to know what I'm worth. I'm still learning. It's a path I've rarely taken, if at all. Sure, I've avoided harm, pain, and heartache, but is that love? Could I call it love when all that has driven me are my superficial desires directed towards another and the avoidance of harm? Did I ever think to offer myself to myself? Did I ever think to give myself the pleasures that I wanted from others? How foolish was I to not look to myself for the simplest yet most enigmatic of things? Love.
I am capable of love. Everyone is. I think so, at least. However, I never asked myself if I could be capable of loving myself. To love oneself. It sounds good, doesn't it? A perpetuating cycle of confidence, validation, strength, happiness, and hope. Could that be right? Can I define self-love as that? The will to give oneself undeterred hope for the future, validation of worth, and all-encompassing happiness? Who would get in my way? It would be a relationship between me... and me. It's beautiful. I want it for myself.
To want such beautiful things for myself. That's the first step right?
Tuesday, August 16, 2011
Après une Semaine
It has been a week since my last post. As many of you all know, I started at my new retail job a week ago. It has been quite interesting...
Le Premier Jour
My first day was somewhat discouraging. I had an interesting haircut, I was one of the only people not wearing plaid and non-prescriptive, thick-rimmed, Buddy Holly-esque glasses. I honestly didn't know what to wear, so I went with a warm red sweater, a robin's egg colored button-up underneath, and a pair of slacks. I wanted to try my hand at color-blocking. Unfortunately, I felt a little overdressed as everyone were basically in plaid shirts and denim cut offs. Perhaps that was their interpretation of the company's unique current trend? It seemed more like a general interpretation of a current American trend.
Generally, when put into a room full of strangers, I'm the type that likes to "get a feel" for the rest of those in the room before interacting with them. Due to this I did get the sense that the people sitting at the same table as me considered me to be a bit odd. Perhaps even a bit stupid. I came in an hour early and my first workshop wasn't suppose to start until 10am, but they mistook me as a part of the 9am group, so it seemed like I was relatively late (I truly wasn't). I just went along with it. Unfortunately, it meant having to sit right next to the projector screen way up front.
One interesting bit of the day was when I finally faced everyone in my group and realized something... Sitting right across the table from me was a guy I had an OKCupid crush on. We made eye contact a few times where he would swiftly look away. It was obvious that he recognized me and he knew that I recognized him. I sent him an "eye candy" award on OKC for Christ's sake. At the end of the workshop he took the stairs instead of getting in the elevator with me. Perhaps he was trying to avoid me? We were just on the second floor anyways, so he might've just wanted the bit of exercise? Who knows?
Le Deuxième Jour
The second day of workshops was a little less nerve wracking. I connected quickly with a girl that was in the same group as me. Of course, it was somewhat expected that of all the people I would get along with it would be the only sassy black girl in the room. We talked a bit about the group's social dynamics; people were starting to form cliques. It was expected, however I personally didn't expect them to start forming so soon. It wouldn't be surprising if social hierarchies start to form. The sassy black girl, or I should say woman, was in her thirties and seemed like she didn't give a fuck. I quote, "I honestly could care less. If these people want to start closing themselves off to other people, that's on them. I'm here to do a job, not to one up anybody."
She gave me hope that perhaps there are other people like her and me. People that are there to be vain, look pretty while making money, but without the intent of proving superiority over anyone else. I took this job for that reason in the first place. It's a new store, therefore everyone is starting on the same level with basically the same amount of pay, so no one should feel much more or less than anyone else. Or perhaps it's my own defense mechanism(s) coming into play? Perhaps everyone isn't that bad and I'm the one who might be closing himself off?
Le Troisième Jour
I've noticed that for every day that passes, I become a little more open. Even though I have a different set of strangers in my group every day. I felt that the people who would get along with one another the best seemed to gravitate to one another. Whether it be their body language, their explicit expression of self, or whatnot. I felt that the people I was sitting with this time around were people I could freely speak to. I laughed with them, joked with them, and yes, worked with them during the group exercises. Meanwhile, it's not surprising that some people still stood out as the obnoxious overachievers. I understand if people want to stand out and show their worth, but a few of these people didn't even allow others to contribute. It was their way or no way. It annoyed me a bit, but I thought to myself, "Fuck it," and went along with it.
At the end of the day, the workshop leaders gave people the chance to give their two cents on the workshop experience. Of course, some people felt it necessary to say something even if it meant saying the same thing as those that went before them. The was the most tedious half hour of the whole session. Everyone liked the workshop, the fact that everyone got to interact with one another, that it wasn't dull, and everyone had fun. Try to spin that in every way possible for thirty minutes. Yea, it gets dull after five, doesn't it?
Market Days
The weekend following my first week of workshops was Boystown's Market Days weekend celebration. Basically, it's like Pride, but consisting of the whole weekend full of live concerts, outdoor vendors of various kinds, drinking in the streets, gay go-go dancers advertising the bars they work for, and checking who's on Grindr locally and from out of town. It was a nice way to end the weekend. I got to see Shiny Toy Guns while dancing in the rain, and I got a kiss from a guy (a friend of a friend) that I think was cute. (Who knows, I was tipsy at that point). When I told him I had to get going since I lived in the suburbs, he asked me for my number. He then texted me right then and there so I could get his number. His text read, "You're hot." Of course, at that point I considered it the right time to make my move. We kissed, but then some drunk asshole tried to lunge at the both of us to get in on the action, which kind of ended the moment.
We texted a few more times throughout the night during my train ride home. We promised one another that we'd see each other again. Blah blah blah. It's been two days, I haven't heard from him since. I don't feel like starting the conversation with him. I don't feel like initiating anything with anyone at the moment anyways. I get attached to people too easily and I'm not looking for any sort of casual encounter, so it might be best to just keep my distance until we come across one another again serendipitously.
Le Premier Jour
My first day was somewhat discouraging. I had an interesting haircut, I was one of the only people not wearing plaid and non-prescriptive, thick-rimmed, Buddy Holly-esque glasses. I honestly didn't know what to wear, so I went with a warm red sweater, a robin's egg colored button-up underneath, and a pair of slacks. I wanted to try my hand at color-blocking. Unfortunately, I felt a little overdressed as everyone were basically in plaid shirts and denim cut offs. Perhaps that was their interpretation of the company's unique current trend? It seemed more like a general interpretation of a current American trend.
Generally, when put into a room full of strangers, I'm the type that likes to "get a feel" for the rest of those in the room before interacting with them. Due to this I did get the sense that the people sitting at the same table as me considered me to be a bit odd. Perhaps even a bit stupid. I came in an hour early and my first workshop wasn't suppose to start until 10am, but they mistook me as a part of the 9am group, so it seemed like I was relatively late (I truly wasn't). I just went along with it. Unfortunately, it meant having to sit right next to the projector screen way up front.
One interesting bit of the day was when I finally faced everyone in my group and realized something... Sitting right across the table from me was a guy I had an OKCupid crush on. We made eye contact a few times where he would swiftly look away. It was obvious that he recognized me and he knew that I recognized him. I sent him an "eye candy" award on OKC for Christ's sake. At the end of the workshop he took the stairs instead of getting in the elevator with me. Perhaps he was trying to avoid me? We were just on the second floor anyways, so he might've just wanted the bit of exercise? Who knows?
Le Deuxième Jour
The second day of workshops was a little less nerve wracking. I connected quickly with a girl that was in the same group as me. Of course, it was somewhat expected that of all the people I would get along with it would be the only sassy black girl in the room. We talked a bit about the group's social dynamics; people were starting to form cliques. It was expected, however I personally didn't expect them to start forming so soon. It wouldn't be surprising if social hierarchies start to form. The sassy black girl, or I should say woman, was in her thirties and seemed like she didn't give a fuck. I quote, "I honestly could care less. If these people want to start closing themselves off to other people, that's on them. I'm here to do a job, not to one up anybody."
She gave me hope that perhaps there are other people like her and me. People that are there to be vain, look pretty while making money, but without the intent of proving superiority over anyone else. I took this job for that reason in the first place. It's a new store, therefore everyone is starting on the same level with basically the same amount of pay, so no one should feel much more or less than anyone else. Or perhaps it's my own defense mechanism(s) coming into play? Perhaps everyone isn't that bad and I'm the one who might be closing himself off?
Le Troisième Jour
I've noticed that for every day that passes, I become a little more open. Even though I have a different set of strangers in my group every day. I felt that the people who would get along with one another the best seemed to gravitate to one another. Whether it be their body language, their explicit expression of self, or whatnot. I felt that the people I was sitting with this time around were people I could freely speak to. I laughed with them, joked with them, and yes, worked with them during the group exercises. Meanwhile, it's not surprising that some people still stood out as the obnoxious overachievers. I understand if people want to stand out and show their worth, but a few of these people didn't even allow others to contribute. It was their way or no way. It annoyed me a bit, but I thought to myself, "Fuck it," and went along with it.
At the end of the day, the workshop leaders gave people the chance to give their two cents on the workshop experience. Of course, some people felt it necessary to say something even if it meant saying the same thing as those that went before them. The was the most tedious half hour of the whole session. Everyone liked the workshop, the fact that everyone got to interact with one another, that it wasn't dull, and everyone had fun. Try to spin that in every way possible for thirty minutes. Yea, it gets dull after five, doesn't it?
Market Days
The weekend following my first week of workshops was Boystown's Market Days weekend celebration. Basically, it's like Pride, but consisting of the whole weekend full of live concerts, outdoor vendors of various kinds, drinking in the streets, gay go-go dancers advertising the bars they work for, and checking who's on Grindr locally and from out of town. It was a nice way to end the weekend. I got to see Shiny Toy Guns while dancing in the rain, and I got a kiss from a guy (a friend of a friend) that I think was cute. (Who knows, I was tipsy at that point). When I told him I had to get going since I lived in the suburbs, he asked me for my number. He then texted me right then and there so I could get his number. His text read, "You're hot." Of course, at that point I considered it the right time to make my move. We kissed, but then some drunk asshole tried to lunge at the both of us to get in on the action, which kind of ended the moment.
We texted a few more times throughout the night during my train ride home. We promised one another that we'd see each other again. Blah blah blah. It's been two days, I haven't heard from him since. I don't feel like starting the conversation with him. I don't feel like initiating anything with anyone at the moment anyways. I get attached to people too easily and I'm not looking for any sort of casual encounter, so it might be best to just keep my distance until we come across one another again serendipitously.
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Taking Risks
Tomorrow's my first day at my new retail job in the city. In order to prepare for the occasion, I got a haircut that I thought would fit the "look" and style of the brand. I've never had a haircut like this before; I often had it in a uniform length. However, this time around, I thought I'd experiment a bit. I never thought that I could pull off a haircut like this. It kind of reminds me of a bowl-cut... but a little more disheveled. It was a risk and I actually like it.
It's kind of like my new job. I didn't think I was qualified for the job, but I applied nonetheless. Now, I'll be working with a company I admire and I will be in the city more often. For the most part, life is about risks and trials. Our presumptions never tend to be accurate and they're likely not as bad as we often presume. In any case, wish me luck for tomorrow!
It's kind of like my new job. I didn't think I was qualified for the job, but I applied nonetheless. Now, I'll be working with a company I admire and I will be in the city more often. For the most part, life is about risks and trials. Our presumptions never tend to be accurate and they're likely not as bad as we often presume. In any case, wish me luck for tomorrow!
Friday, August 5, 2011
The Kate Moss Mantra
Food doesn't take as good as skinny feels. -Kate Moss
I've been telling myself this for the past few weeks. Whenever I feel like I'm about to indulge on a cupcake (or leftover Chinese take-out) past 11pm, I repeat the words, "Food doesn't taste as good as skinny feels." I say it two or three times and it tends to keep me from indulging.
For some time now my physical image has been a constant, active concern in my mind. Ever since I took on that job in retail a few months ago I realized how much my image truly mattered. Hence why I quit the job. Among other things, I couldn't stand the pressure of being systematically judged for how I looked... especially being constantly aware of it. Sure, I've always been decently dressed.
The problem has been the body that puts itself in the clothes bought.
When I was in middle school and early on in high school my clothes ran from medium to large. After some time, I lost weight and realized that clothes running in small sizes were a better fit. I went from ~167 lbs. when I was in middle school and got to my lowest weight of ~135 lbs. just due to puberty kicking in. Clothes became more flattering, I was given a greater range of choices in clothes, and I gained more confidence. However, now that my metabolism is starting to slow down and physical education/workouts are no longer mandated, as they were throughout elementary and high school, I have become more conscious of my body image. I've started to gain back the weight. I can no longer eat an order of 10-piece chicken McNuggets, two Big Macs, large fries, and a large sweet tea everyday after school. My metabolism can longer process it all as quickly as it used to.
Realistically, I've reached the peak of my metabolism and now keeping off the weight will depend on my choices, not the automated, inner workings of my body.
I've taken on another retail job, which I will be starting at next week. (Don't worry, I left my food service job on good terms.) I will be the first batch of employees hired as it is a new store opening in the city. Surprisingly, it's a job I never thought I could attain, not even get an interview for. I sent in an application just for the heck of it one night. Surprisingly, they called me for an interview, and after two interviews, I was hired. Now, my greatest concern is being prepared for the job. Yes, they will train me on proper protocol, the brand/company's history, the lingo, etc. Meanwhile, I will personally have to take into my own hands the state of my body: clearing up my acne (as much as I can under my control) and getting my body in a much fitter shape.
Either a) I keep denying the fact that I will have to start wearing clothes running in sizes medium/large if I don't take action, b) lose the weight, or c) stay on the path I'm on and just choose clothing in sizes larger than a small. I choose the second option. I will lose the weight.
So where do I go on from here?
Realistically, I've reached the peak of my metabolism and now keeping off the weight will depend on my choices, not the automated, inner workings of my body.
I've taken on another retail job, which I will be starting at next week. (Don't worry, I left my food service job on good terms.) I will be the first batch of employees hired as it is a new store opening in the city. Surprisingly, it's a job I never thought I could attain, not even get an interview for. I sent in an application just for the heck of it one night. Surprisingly, they called me for an interview, and after two interviews, I was hired. Now, my greatest concern is being prepared for the job. Yes, they will train me on proper protocol, the brand/company's history, the lingo, etc. Meanwhile, I will personally have to take into my own hands the state of my body: clearing up my acne (as much as I can under my control) and getting my body in a much fitter shape.
Either a) I keep denying the fact that I will have to start wearing clothes running in sizes medium/large if I don't take action, b) lose the weight, or c) stay on the path I'm on and just choose clothing in sizes larger than a small. I choose the second option. I will lose the weight.
So where do I go on from here?
Tuesday, August 2, 2011
Story About a Boy
I helped him ease his nerves and talk him through his first few dates with a guy. We would chat online way past 2-3am on weeknights; we'd talk about love, life, stories of ourselves, anything that came to mind.
This whole friendship of ours only existed online. He never spoke to me when we passed one another in the hallways. We looked at one another, but our eyes never met. He was the gorgeous in-the-closet upperclassman and I was merely a freshman that nobody knew and everyone ostracized for being gay. Nonetheless, I was satisfied with the secret late conversations we had.
One day, he asked me to meet up, in person. I didn't know what to say. It was so unexpected. Was it a date or us just hanging out? I was afraid. I was ashamed of myself. To be in real, personal contact with a guy I admired from afar and realized I was finally growing feelings for. I was afraid of expecting something from it and being let down in the end. I made up some excuse as to why I couldn't and he said okay.
Our late night conversations continued until finally he said, "Ich liebe dich. Sie machen mich glücklich." I asked him what it meant and he said, "It means 'I love you. You make me happy' in German. :)" At that point, I felt encouraged to perhaps take him up on his offer to meet up, even if it would only come out to be casual meet up rather than a date.
Weeks passed by the time I had gained the courage to ask him. When I did, he asked me for my advice on a guy he really wanted to take out on a date. Night after night I would advise him on how to keep his cool and whether his intended actions were cheesy or romantic. He would tell me about his date ideas such as taking the guy to dinner on top of the John Hancock building, saving up money for each excursion he planned, taking the guy to concerts, etc. I pushed my feelings aside to give him the advice he wanted, but what I felt couldn't be left unnoticed.
Finally, one night, I told him how I felt. I told him that I had grown fond of him. That I wanted to get to know him in person, and perhaps continue our friendship or whatever we had face to face. He told me that he was sorry. He told me that he didn't really know what he was saying back then when he said he loved me because I made him happy.
I asked him, "What changed?" He said, "I realized I'm only attracted to white guys. Sorry."
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